Miles Travis Suite, Inc.
Frequently Asked
Questions
Q. Considering the cable is falling
off the wall, is duck tape still reliable?
A. Careful reading of Scripture reveals its establishment of duck tape as
the wonder-cure for all the world’s problems (see some verses toward the
back or something). The sample which has caused such distress has been
deemed counterfeit, and the offending parties face severe sanctions for their
misdeeds. Worry not, for the MTS shall continue to cover the earth
with our favorite silver tape.
Q. Where have the concrete blocks gone?
A. Thorough debate ensued over the fate of last year’s debris, and in the
end it was scrapped. Our faith in concrete naturally decreased, as
even duck tape failed to keep it together. Perhaps this year, we shall
keep it simple and avoid similar disaster. However, that would make
the RA’s job far too easy, and butts were made for sitting anyway.
Q. Who is your pick for Miss America?
A. We have good reason to go with none of the above for this honor.
The world’s strongest man competition has grown jealous over the ratings
of the pageant, and we feel the Swiss shall produce the first foreign Miss
America, a 300-pounder, when in the final round he drags a busload of models
through most of the Appalachian Trail.
Q. Do you have any specific plans for this year?
A. We have placed orders for large hoops, flame-retardant clown suits, and
smaller version of the Mystery Mobile, but to date our Circus of the Cosmos
remains tentative.
Q. Is the Red Scare over?
A. No, we assure you that paranoia still reigns in the MTS, which is reason
to avoid participation in suspicious activities—e.g., advocating equal portions
in the dining halls, settling for a tie, or the like. The spirit of
“Root ‘em out” Joe McCarthy lingers.
Q. When will you have a woman of the week?
A. We promise that, on the day that all men become women, we shall consider
naming a woman of the week, although naming the most manly woman of the week
may trump this idea, should the fearful event come to pass.
Q. Why did you block off a desk?
A. The corner desk is not completely blocked off, as it is still accessible
to pious people who cleanse themselves appropriately. However, there
will come a day when the flag shall be torn from top to bottom, and on that
day the MTS shall weep, because studying will resume.
Q. What’s wrong with your smoke detector?
A. Although the trouble signal has flashed for our new detector, we assume
the new surveillance system is currently operating at full strength, despite
our subversive efforts. We suspect the supposed defect was a ploy to
allay our paranoia, but we remain frustrated by the spy cameras and the evil
forces gathering in the “inaccessible” game room.
Q. Doughnuts or Barbecue?
A. Such horrible thoughts should not be entertained, for how are we to even
think of losing one of our favorite staples? Were it for only a night,
we would certainly choose barbecue and embark on 15-501 toward Bullocks.
Then, the next night, we would journey down I-40 to Krispy Kreme.
Q. What will you do after graduation?
A. We reckon the MTS shall part ways, and so we have brainstormed individually
for these answers. For Brian, the call of the wild will prove too tempting,
and off to California he’ll travel, dying his hair to blend in as he films
the antics of the West Coast. After that, he will likely prefer the
higher peaks of the Himalayas to his Smokey Mountain home, exporting bluegrass
music and flannel to Asia and uncovering such treasures as Noah’s Ark and
an ancient version of Monopoly. For Will, stalking famous cartoon characters
will prove futile and he’ll discover that shipping “nose candy” has nothing
to do with Pixie Sticks. Left with only a broken baseball bat, he will
entertain Latin America with a fabulous stand-up act similar to “Who’s on
First?” When the act grows stagnant, he’ll search for Brian, but wind
up in the Alps instead, finally leading Switzerland out of neutrality.
Q. Tell us about the skeleton in Will’s closet.
A. Please rephrase your inquiry in the form of a question.