i am writing this in a period of inward reflection that often accompanies a long night of quiet solitude. I am neither particularly happy, nor particularly sad, but instead i find myself in a queer state of purgatory which i can not describe as leaning in any particular direction. how many times have you, in your life, lay in bed without a direction of thought and wondered how to classify your existence. today i found myself in this sort of situation and decided to take advantage of this state. after all, the greatest works of mankind have been created by the most potent of human emotions. the picassos of the world lay awake at night with cities burning in their heads. meanwhile, the einsteins dream of unknown dimensions and the power of invisible forces. on the other side of the world the van gogh's dreams swirl in torment through the night in unrequited love. but tonight i am the product of no such emotion. if i were to classify my feelings they would be lukewarm zeroness. i thought it was appropriate to introduce this mindset as it might explain some of the remaining entry.

today i wondered, as i lay in bed, what sort of conclusions someone who had never met me would draw from sleeping in my bed for a night. would the look at my posters and jerseys hanging on 2 of my walls and decide i was some sort of jock? would they see calvin and hobbes comics tacked between closet doors and resolve that i had a good sense of humor and a nostalgia for my childhood years? when they looked at the books in my bookcase, would they see me as a literary nerd? finally i turned and looked at the picture that sits on my dresser. i am in 10th grade, maybe going into 11th. i know it was only a few years ago but i just look so young. i tried to figure out what the differences were between my face 4 or 5 years ago and today. i couldnt find them. maybe my jaw is a little wider, my cheeks a bit more prominent, the angles of my face more defined. my hair is a little different but not much, and my eyes seem more tired these days. but not much is changed.

but alot HAS changed. im 5 years older, and despite obvious differences, like i can grow a beard, there is alot different these days. first of all i never would have imagined the depth of knowledge i would gain in the few years after that picture. it is incredible. and back then i never would have imagined myself 800 miles away from home, but here i am today in north carolina. i guess back then i pictured myself a little differently in the future than i am today.

back then i was optimistic almost to a fault. up to that point in my life i had only imagined good things, and to a certain extent most of my awake all night meditations had come to fruition. but somewhere along the way, hope developed some bad habits. i still consider myself optimistic but every so often faith gives way to abandonment. i suppose it is exposure to the real world, to death, that reminds me that hope will never save lives.

back then i did not fear loneliness. i guess as every boy grows up to be a man he wants to build something. perhaps this is an artifact from prehistoric times when men built homes and families. these days it drives young men to want to build lives, both their own and others. loneliness is like trying to build a house without tools. everyone needs a house to keep out from the cold, and people to share it with or else whats the point. i guess i still do not fear loneliness but i understand its power. every living thing in this world dies alone.

and finally, i realize i have more strength than i ever would have thought. i am never a quitter. i am not afraid of failure, nor success, nor change, nor things outside my control, nor even death. i believe i can do anything, and i have been able to do anything that ive attempted so far. maybe this is my optimism, or maybe i have not learned to respect loneliness enough. i dont know but i have enough to think about for now anyways.

maybe these things are what i see different in the picture of me from 10th grade and my face in a mirror today.

its hard to tell what defines me now, much like its impossible to find both the speed and location of an electron in space. the best way to define myself is in the change. changes are brought about by who you are. i am still the optimistic boy, but a bit wiser and more afraid. sometimes im afraid of being alone. other times i know that even being alone can not stop my will. i am not sure where i am going in the future, and i am not even really sure about where i am today. today i find myself in a state emotional absolute zero where thought and hope and desire and fear and maybe even innocence stand still. what have i learned from these artists i mentioned before? everything is much simpler than it seems. hatred is just a fire that burns all things alive or dead indiscriminantly. all it takes to create and destroy universes is a tiny little invisible dot. a romantic's toil is just a swirl in the chilly winter air. i havent figured out where all this nothing is leading me, but maybe someday i will look back at this as the beginning of my masterpiece. and for tonight, at least, i can now sleep peacefully.