Feynman on the Issues

This interview was conducted on January 21, 1999, at Feynman's home in Durham.

Q. What about your detractors, who say that a dog can never be President?

A. Canine American, please.

Q. Sorry. Let me rephrase: can a Canine American really be President?

A. I don't see why not. It can't be much worse than what you've got now, you know?

Q. So I take it you are not a supporter of President Clinton?

A. Too much talk, not enough cookies.

Q. Could you clarify that?

A. I mean the guy needs to shut up now and then. I'm not buying that sincere act, either. I don't see how your people can fall for that. My people are much smarter about that kind of thing -- you know, better judges of character. And speaking of which, what can you really say for a guy who picks his friends by how they'll look on television? Come on.

Q. Do you think that, if elected, you could work with Congress?

A. That depends. Are they dog people? If they're dog people, no problem. If I want them to pass a piece of legislation, I'll just look really sad. Works every time.

Q. What about the military? Do you think the armed forces will accept a canine commander-in-chief?

A. Well, let me just say this about that. The military needs to chill out, you know? Go home, put your feet up, mind your own business for a while. Stay out of other people's behinds, that'll solve most of your problems right there.

Q. So you would cut defense spending?

A. Yeah, but you gotta be realistic. Sometimes people just insist on making a jerk of themselves, and you have to be ready. Most people, they try to hump you, you just growl and give them a look -- (Feynman growls.) --See?

Q. Yes, very effective.

A. You act confident and mind your own business, people will leave you alone. Unless they're idiots. Then you have to kick their ass.

Q. Let me ask you about a few other hot topics. Where do you stand on education?

A. Every American should have access to free basic obedience training. I'd like to see every American become a Canine Good Citizen, regardless of economic status. It's just essential to a civil society that everyone have that basic level of education. Beyond that, I want to make higher education more accessible, so that people can have vital job skills -- whether it's handicapped assistance, tracking, herding, hunting, agility, even Schutzhund. Not everyone has the resources to get that kind of training, and it's so important to their sense of self-worth that they do.

Q. What about crime?

A. Well, I think that in general, the police in this country do a fine job. I only know one law enforcement officer personally, but he's a great guy. And those German Shepherd police dogs certainly do cut a dashing figure! But punishing criminals isn't the whole answer. Look, I'll tell you a story. I was pretty destructive as a child. It's true, I know you wouldn't think it now. I was pretty tough on my folks. They punished me, tried everything in the book, and it didn't help me. Eventually I had to realize that I was part of the pack, and that I had responsibilties and was loved and accepted. There's a lesson in that, I think. You have to be tough, but if you don't have a strong pack, you're not going to get anywhere.

Q. I take it that you are against the death penalty.

A. Absolutely. It's so often abused, especially with my people. It just isn't something we should be doing.

Q. Are you also opposed to abortion?

A. Yes, but there again, I think people need to chill out and mind their own business. I'm not going to go after people over it. Look, my mother had septuplets, for crying out loud -- none of those fancy fertility drugs, either, mind you, that's just the way it works with my people -- and she had to put me up for adoption, but she found me a wonderful family. It doesn't work out that well for everybody, I know. But that's what we ought to be working on, building stronger packs -- pardon, communities -- so that every baby has a loving home.

Q. So you would keep abortion legal?

A. Yes. Snarling about it isn't going to help. Besides, your people kill my people all the time, after they're born, for no reason at all except convenience -- so I get a little tired of pro-lifers shouting in the streets about killing babies. To me, you gotta understand, it's kind of small potatoes.

Q. How important is environmental protection to you?

A. Absolutely vital. We simply must protect wildlife, national parks, wilderness, and open space in populated areas. People need more contact with nature, not less -- we need to realize that we're all in this together. And while we're at it, we need to preserve farmland and help farmers, too. What's more important than good food, for crying out loud? Look, I've had food from a can, and I've had the real thing. I've had milk straight from the farm, and handmade aged cheese, and then I've had Cheez Whiz. I know the difference, believe me. My sense of smell is a million times better than yours. I know. Good food does not come from a can, or a box, or a factory. It comes from a farm.

Q. Is there anything that you could do as President to help Canine Americans specifically?

A. My advisors are looking into that very seriously. I think as a start I would deny federal funding to, say, animal shelters or other organizations that kill healthy animals, and to universities and companies that perform research on higher mammals that is of no benefit to the subjects' species. But primarily I want to use the Presidency to raise awareness of the roles that Canines play in American society and the problems they face.

Q. Let's switch to a lighter matter. Are there any political figures in American history whom you particularly respect?

A. Well, let's see. Abigail Adams, I think. Teddy Roosevelt was a good guy, but not really my type; he was more the throw-the-tennis-ball and duck-hunting type. I'd rather take my time, enjoy the weather, have a good dinner and a nap and a warm fireplace. So not so much Roosevelt. George Washington, maybe. He kept basset hounds, did you know that? Some of the first in America.

Q. What do you enjoy doing, when you're not campaigning?

A. Dinner, mostly. And naps. Spending time with my family, watching nature shows on TV. And lying in the sun, smelling the breeze.

Q. Is there anything else you'd like to say to the American people?

A. Woof.

Q. Thank you, Feynman.

A. My pleasure.