Family Ties: Pulling the Strings:

Family Ties, Pulling the Strings: An Analysis of the Psychological Implications of Divorce and Remarriage on the Adolescent in Stepmom Liz Conradt Tara Williams
Divorce and remarriage impact the family on many levels, from conflicts between parent and stepparent, to negative emotional implications for the child (Capaldi, 1979; Goldstein, 1984; Messinger, 1984; Twaite, 1998). One of the causes which may exacerbate the emotional affects of remarriage on the adolescent occurs when the stepparent and biological parent constantly fight, as evident in Stepmom, where Isabelle, the stepmother, and Jackie, the biological parent, often fight. The adolescent must learn to accept fighting, resenting the stepparent, therefore continuing the constant battle in the family. Along with the bickering, s/he must sort through his or her own feelings of guilt, jealousy, and anger. Only through much time and patience, as well as understanding and communicating, can the stepparent build a relationship with the adolescent.
Divorce often has different effects on adolescents as opposed to children. The younger child may not yet fully understand the implications of a divorce, while an adolescent can comprehend what occurs in the family structure because of his or her age (Goldstein, 1984). In one study, half of adolescent females reported that their parents had remarried, and out of these, only 18% felt that they had a close-knit family (Twaite, 1998). Anna feels unaccepting of her new family and confused when she reacts to her parent's divorce by lying to her teacher. Anna tells her teacher that her parents planned to remarry and move to Switzerland. This lie leads to a session with Jackie and Luke, during which the ex-couple constantly interrupt each other and talk loudly and fast. The counselor suggests that Anna reacts to the hostility between Jackie and Isabelle by lying, making her family seem normal in Anna's mind. When Jackie confronts Anna about the story, she first denies making it up, but later confides in her mother. While looking down and slouching somewhat, Anna says that she thought if she stated her fantasy out loud, that it might come true. This fib indicates that she realizes she should not have lied, and also that she has some hope, that her parents might reunite. Because Anna makes up these lies, it shows that she probably wishes that she had a normal family, one in which she only had one biological mother. This wishful thinking supports Twaite's study of adolescent females, who feel they have an unsupportive family. These feelings of denial and anger first occur when one parent moves out of the home. Once the adolescent fully realizes the impact of this loss, s/he will most likely experience a wide range of emotions: from denial, to confusion, to anger, and possibly even to depression (Goldstein, p.17).

Furthermore, when a stepparent joins the family, these problems may worsen (Capaldi, 1979; Messinger, 1984). Expecting a child to love and accept his or her stepparent instantly derives from delusional and "fairytale" like visions of the "perfect" family. No family possesses, nor ever will possess, complete perfection in its relationships or interactions. For example, in Stepmom, when Isabelle, the stepmother, buys the children a dog, Anna, unenthused, states that dogs make her allergic.For example, Anna often reacts in anger towards her stepmother, as noted when Isabelle gives the children the dog as a present. Ben, on the other hand, welcomes the dog, and harbors no resentment towards Isabelle, signifying the contrasting reactions between the two age groups. Anna directly confronts Isabelle by telling her that they should name the dog Isabelle, since, "She kinda looks like you, and smells like you, too." Anna then runs to her room, slams the door, and blasts her rock music. When Isabelle starts talking to her, Anna yells, turns away, and tells Isabelle to leave. "You're not my real mother!" shouts Anna. Isabelle replies by saying, "Thank God for that!" and leaves [click to hear this clip]. Before shutting the door, Anna picks up the dog and takes him to her room. This incident shows that Anna harvests resentment toward her stepmother, possibly indicating that she does not want Isabelle to replace her mother, nor does she foresee accepting her.
An adolescent may also display his or her anger by constantly fighting with the stepparent instead of talking out feelings of anger or confusion (Capaldi, p.82). Once, when Isabelle fails to wash Anna's purple shirt for school, Anna informs her mother that, "She's always messing up my life." Anna must therefore deal with her adjustment to a prospective stepmother, as well as her parent's divorce. Psychologists state the need to let the adolescent know that the stepparent will not replace the parent (Peterson, p.3). Because the remarriage disrupts established routines, the adolescent may experience a wide range of negative emotions. These feelings intensify even more if one or both parents remarry shortly after the divorce. The adolescent may remember the different routines the parents developed, and when these patterns change within such a short period of time, the adolescent may feel confusion or anger. The youth may also experience jealousy, once the parent starts focusing attention on the new spouse (Capaldi, p.96).
Although many studies explain children's acceptance of the stepparent, few have delved into parental conflict and competition, a major theme in the movie Stepmom resulting from a loyalty conflict in the children (Capaldi, 1979). Children commonly feel they betray their biological parent by liking and responding to the stepparent (Capaldi, p.81). For example, the children's receptiveness to this tension between their two mother figures surfaces when Ben, Anna, and Jackie talk about Isabelle while horseback riding one afternoon. Ben tells his mother if she wants him to hate Isabelle, he will [click to hear this clip]. Ben shows his overbearing willingness to please his mother even if it means hating his father's girlfriend. Ben harbors no real hatred for Isabelle, but states he will adopt this emotion in response to the obvious dislike his mother and sister possess for Isabelle.
Anna's behavior and attitude toward Isabelle, and Ben and Anna's disregard of Isabelle's authority present key problems that stem from the discordance between Jackie and Isabelle. These two mother figures constantly struggle for a place in the children's lives. One example of hostility between Jackie and Isabelle occurs when Ben wanders off while Isabelle watches the children in the park one afternoon. Jackie says she will get a restraining order so Isabelle cannot care for the children alone. Isabelle begs Jackie in an obviously distressed speech to please not punish Luke for her mistake and she apologizes repeatedly. Isabelle, selflessly, admits her blunder and asks Jackie to put the children and Luke's relationship before their feud. Finally, Jackie changes her mind and states she will give Luke another chance. Jackie blatantly uses this situation to portray Isabelle as irresponsible and unreliable when in fact she committed similar guilty actions. Jackie later reveals to Isabelle that only a year before she, herself, had lost Ben in a grocery store. The constant struggle between the two mother figures makes it easier for Anna to resent Isabelle, since she sees the constant struggle between Jackie and Isabelle on an almost daily basis. According to Capaldi (p.87), this fighting would exacerbate Anna's already conflicting feelings about the divorce.
Despite parent conflict, one example of Isabelle's parental efforts occurs when Anna and Ben's school calls and tells Isabelle that Jackie forgot to pick up the children. Immediately, Isabelle leaves her job and retrieves them. When she arrives at the school, the children sit there in disbelief that their "perfect" mother forgot them. Isabelle excuses Jackie by telling the children that she, herself, had the responsibility of picking them up, and then apologizes for her tardiness. Isabelle gives the children another reason to dislike her just so she might preserve their mother's image. Isabelle's sacrifice displays an amazingly motherly and selfless trait, in spite of the Jackie and Anna's depiction of her as selfish. These actions show a major transition, depicting the stepmother's acceptance of her new role as a mother figure. The predominant view describes the stepparent's difficulty in extending, "warmth and caring toward the partner's children" (Messinger, p.187). Isabelle's actions, however, establish her ability to overcome these hostile feelings.
Even though a new family may experience periods of hostility and anger, each situation and new obstacle that family members encounter brings them closer (Peterson, 1999). Helping the adolescent overcome these negative emotions requires that the prospective stepparent must spend time with him or her before the second marriage and try to understand the adolescent (Peterson, p.3). Regardless of how much effort a stepparent puts forth into the relationship with the stepchild, even after divorce, it may take time and patience for the adolescent to feel truly comfortable in the new family.
Another psychological theory describes communication as the key factor in bringing comfort to these new families, saying openly admitting one's feelings aids in strengthening familial ties (Adjusting, 1999). Because Anna and Isabelle do not calm down and discuss their problems, they close lines of communication, which psychologists believe would facilitate acceptance. For example, after periodic outbursts, Anna and Isabelle begin feeling a little more comfortable with each other, once they find common interests. This bonding lessens Anna's resentment towards Isabelle. In one instance, Anna tries drawing trees, but cannot get them looking the way she wants them to. Isabelle offers her help, and Anna reluctantly agrees, saying, "I already messed it up anyway." Isabelle then shows Anna a painting technique, which makes Anna look at Isabelle in the eye and smile, and Anna then thanks her. With her talent, Isabelle gains Anna's respect, and Anna begins accepting her. Following this incident, Anna talks to her mother about her relationship with Isabelle. She considers Isabelle a big sister, since she knows the latest fashions, and listens to rock music, like other girls of her generation. The two also share a bonding experience during a car ride together. Isabelle lets Anna try on her lipstick, and both begin singing a song, during which Anna looks at Isabelle and smiles, with a straighter posture than before. Thus, Anna begins to feel more comfortable with Isabelle after bonding over a common interest. This quality time spent between Isabelle and Anna supports Capaldi's argument (p. 100) that opening up communication will strengthen the relationship between stepparent and adolescent.
The breakthrough comes when Isabelle's mothering skills face scrutiny; in the end she not only proves capable but also gains more confidence in herself as a parent. Jackie asks Isabelle to dinner and Isabelle expresses her fear that in future years Anna will want her mothers company despite Isabelle. Jackie says she fears Anna will not desire to have her there. Jackie decides Anna does not have to choose, and tells Isabelle, "She can have us both" [click to hear this clip]. Jackie states she has the children's past and Isabelle has their future. This statement shows the mothers final understanding that instead of competing as rivals against one another, the two can both work together as separate, but important parts of the children's lives. Isabelle shows she has always possessed these necessary maternal qualities. Jackie's picture of Isabelle as this "evil" stepmother developed from her fear that Isabelle would replace her. Jackie finally understands that Isabelle's presence would never overshadow hers, only serving to help care for the children. Again, only time can strengthen the family unit. Peterson (p.2) argues that a family which functions smoothly cannot happen overnight after a divorce, only time will strengthen the family ties. The parents must help the children see that despite the anger, the children can still care for family members, even the stepparent. Once the adults can talk through their own differences, they better equip themselves in handling and directing the children's emotions.
It seems as if Columbus cast this family to make it through the tumultuous events of the past, unlike other step families. In most step families, one family member, usually the divorced spouse, holds a grudge against the stepparent. However, the Harrison family portrays an atypical example. For example, the whole family comes together, including Isabelle, to celebrate Christmas. The children receive special gifts from their mother, a quilt and a cape, both handmade adorned with pictures. While Anna receives this special gift, both daughter and mother sit close to each other in a chair, and Anna cries, telling her mother that she loves her. Jackie caresses her hair and tells her daughter that she will always remain in their hearts, not matter what happens. Then the mother and daughter hug and walk downstairs, opening more presents together. Jackie even suggests that the family take a picture together, and Isabelle agrees. In this photograph, Luke sits on the left with Ben on his lap, Anna sits in the middle, and Jackie sits next to Anna with Isabelle on the far right. No one looks particularly happy, yet all slightly smile, which reflects the family's growing tolerance of each other. Eventually, this benevolence may turn into a happiness among family members, enabling them to feel comfortable and secure as a family unit.

Annotated References
Adjusting in a Blended Family. Uncle Webster.com. [Online].
This article introduces the concept of the blended family, defined as a family in which one parent has remarried. It also describes how parents can make it an agreeable situation for all members. The article states the importance of allowing children time to come to terms with the stepparent, and even step-brothers and sisters. For instance, a common problem faced by many families occurs when children feel threatened and unfairly treated when a stepparent takes on the role of an authority figure. The stepparent has difficulty when trying to treat someone else's child in a manner unfamiliar to that child. In addition, everyone has different ways or opinions about raising a child. Stepparents must communicate with the child to make the child feel welcome in the new family environment. Children learn by example, and if they see parents talking and getting along, they might do the same. Children need communication as well. Someone must talk to them about their feelings and how the changes have effected them mentally. Capaldi, J. (1979). The child in the step stepfamily. Step families (pp. 77-101). London: Vision Books. Capaldi discusses the impact of the step family on the child. He states the need for the child to define his or her role in the family and to establish an identity. The child may at first feel insecure when learning to live with the step family, but the child can recover if both parent and stepparent provide a structured and stable environment. The child may exhibit several defense mechanisms, including withdrawal and displacement. Withdrawal occurs when children stop interacting with their family by isolating themselves or by involvement in outside activities. A child may project his or her anger when the child directs all of his anger on the stepparent, a phenomenon known as displacement. In this case, the stepparent should let the child act out his anger and, when his emotions have subsided, talk to the child about the outburst. The relationship between stepparent and stepchild becomes more difficult with an adolescent. The child may not feel comfortable having two parents reside in the home, and if remarriage occurs shortly after divorce, the child may still feel more at ease with the family structure in the previous marriage. Columbus, Chris. (1998). Stepmom. Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon. Tristar Productions.
Ebert, R. Stepmom. Chicago Sun Times [online].

Ebert begins by asserting that the viewers can discern the plot of Stepmom even though brilliant acting and dialogue might divert awareness temporarily. He believes that the writing and acting do not take the audience's attention away from the plot. He then gives the basic plot summary of the film: tension occurs between Isabelle, the stepmother and Jackie, the biological mother, when Isabelle forgets to pick up her stepchildren. Conditions worsen when Isabelle loses Ben, the youngest child, in Central Park. The movie also deals with the issue of parental death, when Jackie learns she has cancer and will soon die. Finally, the movie ends sadly when Jackie must say good-bye to her two children. Ebert confesses that he has problems with the emotional ups and downs which constantly occur in the film. He feels that the acting of Sarandon, Jackie, and Roberts, Isabelle, distracts the viewer from the intense emotional experiences throughout the film, since the viewer concentrates on the acting, not on what occurs in the plot. Ebert concludes by writing that he would have liked to see Luke's role in the movie expanded. Garner, J. Stepmom here in time for you to use all those new hankies. The Extreme Page
[online].
Jack Garner relates the movie to a soap opera. Garner sees the movie as a little more refined than this, however, since actors such as Sarandon, Roberts, and Harris star in the film. He observes that the first two-thirds of the movie waver between funny and dramatic. He describes the basic conflict which drives the film: Jackie and Luke fight over their two children, Anna and Ben. Problems arise when Luke decides to marry Isabelle, a much younger woman than his first wife. He writes that the basic plot revolves around Jackie and Isabelle's relationship, with less attention focused on Luke. He emphasizes the sadness of the film, especially when Christmas comes and Jackie learns she has terminal cancer. He believes that the actors carry the movie, and without them, the film would feel annoying, because of the many melodramatic scenes. He deplores that the film contains many cliches, as exemplified during scenes in which Jackie and Isabelle fight too long, making the fighting boring. Overall, though, he would not recommend the film to others, unless one feels like watching an intensely emotional film. Goldstein, M., & Solint, P. (1984). Divorce from a child's perspective. Divorce and your child (pp17-23). London: Yale University.
Goldstein and Solint discuss the impact of separation and divorce on the child. They state that, when one parent moves out, the child may not understand that the parent will not live at home anymore, until much later. When the child realizes that the parent will not return, the adolescent may rebel, feeling great uncertainty about his future life. The authors state that the parent can help the child by acknowledging the loss of the parent who moved. The parent should also mourn with the child during this great loss. The child may also show anger and resentment towards one or both parents. A child may deal with the loss indirectly through behavior changes, such as a decline in grades, which may signal a call for attention. These behavior changes vary between young children and adolescents. For example, a twelve-year-old may rebel, while a younger child may start to wet the bed. If a child expresses happiness, this may actually mean that s/he believes that if s/he behaves well, the absent parent will return. Kehr, D. (1999). Stepmom. Review. Film Comment, 35, 78(1).
Kehr describes the film Stepmom as depressing. He begins by introducing the way films have made the nuclear family a thing of the past. Kehr introduces Chris Columbus, the director credited with Stepmom, and his other movies such as Heartbreak Hotel, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Home Alone, as stories which undermine the nuclear family. Columbus does not direct positive movies, which show families working together to solve problems. Instead, he directs movies with divorce and remarriage as their main themes. Kehr states that Columbus sees only the classic father and stay-at-home mother as successful parents. Kehr describes how the characters Jackie and Isabelle contrast and how Isabelle constantly struggles to uphold the perfect mother image Jackie portrays. Kehr blames Columbus for using such obvious archetypes in his story, such as the evil stepmother and the endearing mother. Kehr gave this movie a very uninviting introduction and expresses his dislike with fervor. Kroll, L.; Barnes, J.; Jones, A.L.; & Stein, A. (1998). Cancer in parents: telling children: Sensitive communication can reduce psychological problems. British Medical Journal, 316,(7135), 880. Kroll, Barnes, Jones, and Stein write an explanatory article describing the importance of telling children when a parent has cancer. They also explain the difficulty which may occur when telling the child that the treatment did not work. Kroll et. al. describes a crucial need for more information on how to talk the children about the cancer so that the child does not does not feel overwhelmed by the news. Studies have shown that children who have parents with cancer may develop psychological problems. Kroll et. al. states that anxiety levels in children who do not know of their parent's condition are much higher than in those who have talked about their parent's illness. A recent study on the adjustment of children to the idea of cancer shows that parents highly underestimate the effect of this news on children. Many children feel unable to discuss the disease with their parents perhaps due to the fear of provoking ill feelings in their parents. Parents need to realize that this belief does have a psychological impact on children and the parents must recognize the importance in helping the children deal with these new feelings. Children should have adequate information about the disease and its effects. Answering children's questions about the subject will, also, help ease their worries. McCarthy, T. (1998). Stepmom. Review. Variety, 373, 131(1).
McCarthy writes this review in order to inform the public about the appeal of the movie Stepmom. He describes the film as an attempt at an emotional drama, but degrades it as a second rate soap opera with a good cast. The author predicts that the film has an appeal among many women, describing such elements as a puppy, a mother with cancer, and a stepmother quitting her job for the children's sake. Because of these emotional elements, the men might not wish to see the film. McCarthy describes the movie as being too obvious in the effect the director wanted it to have. He states that although this film will probably make one cry, those painful feelings will not last. A few hours after the movie ends, the audience may forget it since many viewers do not like to brood on such depressing topics as cancer and divorce. Messinger, L. (1984). Remarriage (pp. 184-187). New York: Plenum.
Messinger writes that the rate of remarriage increases as the divorce rate increases.She wants to help men and women cope with the changing family structure when one or both parents remarry. She explains the complications that may arise after a divorce, such as emotional and physical illness of the divorced spouse. Also, adults who have just experienced divorce may experience a higher rate of anxiety and depression than those happily married couples, or single persons. In one chapter, she describes the guilt a stepparent may face when taking care of his or her stepchildren. She mentions a case study in which Frank and Evelyn, who both had children from a previous marriage, had to deal with becoming a part of their stepchildren's lives. Messinger uses this example to describe the children's response to the new stepparent. Having a stepparent causes stress on the child, which may lead to emotional complications, such as depression. Both partners must make the children feel a part of the remarried family for the well-being of all.
Peterson, G. Making healthy step families. The Parents Place [Online]
Peterson writes an informative article which addresses the topic of step families and the possibility of adjustment after remarriage. Newly-wed couples must decide when to tell their children of the remarriage, and they also must make sure that the relationship has enough strength to last throughout the years. By 2000, step families will make up the largest percentage of family structures in the U.S. One of the main points Peterson addresses includes the idea that stepparents can choose to take their place in the new family, whereas children must adhere to the new changes without a decision. It takes time for children to adjust to any situation, so expectations of instant love and acceptance is unfair. Another important factor includes parents telling children about the healthiness in experiencing sadness about the divorce. Parents should allow the children to grieve if they must. She identifies communication as the biggest and most important factor in any relationship. Talking about how one feels and doing so in a courteous manner helps the relationship more than hiding one's feelings. Peterson, G. Remarriage: keeping kids out of the conflict. The Parents Place [Online].
Peterson writes an explanatory article describing how parents can keep children from the crossfires of their conflicts. She identifies the single most important factor of a divorce relationship: that one should not expect anything from the divorced spouse. Peterson writes that parents have a responsibility for their children, not to console their ex. Parents should encourage the child and parent relationship while trying to accept the separate live of their ex-spouse. One should refrain from wanting to blame and accepts the break-up. Parents must not talk with the children about child support or their fights with one another. The children love both parents and must deal with them not being together, it is unfair to expect them to deal with fighting and bickering also. If fighting or acceptance becomes an unmanageable problem, then the parents may need to consult a counselor to mediate their problems. The parents should keep boundaries between one another and focus on the children's needs and interests. Twaite, J., Silitsky, D., & Luchow, A. (1998). Research study II. Children of divorce (pp319-331). London: Jason Aronson. Twaite and colleagues describe a research study in which they analyzed the impact of divorce on the female child. They looked at several characteristics, including stage of life at the time of divorce, which parent has custody, and the child's current age. They used the Youth Self Report, a questionnaire, on girls ages 13-18. The girls were divided into three groups: those whose parents divorced during preschool, those whose parents divorced during latency (adolescence), and those whose family stayed intact. The questionnaire included questions dealing with presence of depression, substance abuse, physical abuse, time spent with father, financial situation, and family adaptability. They found that the longer the parent waited to divorce the spouse, the less the likelihood for parent depression and abuse. More satisfactory contact occurred with the father and the child felt she could confide in at least one parent. Thus, the older the child at the time of the divorce, the higher the chances of psychological stability.

Created for educational purposes only. December 1, 1999 econradt@email.unc.edu willia41@email.unc.edu