THESE ARE REAL ADS FOUND IN NEWSPAPERS ACROSS THE COUNTRY:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

**Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

**Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner special -- Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00.

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get and extra pair to take home, too.

**We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

**Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

**Vacation special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

**Man, honest. Will take anything.

**Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

**And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

**We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

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Believe it or not, the below actually appeared in various church bulletins:

**Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Tuesday, at 4 pm. there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.

**Thursday, at 6 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers, please meet with the pastor in his study.

**Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.