CAROLINA's best known female athlete: Mia Hamm
DOOK's best known female athlete: Christian Laettner

CAROLINA has had to refurbish some of their 200-year-old campus buildings, to make them acceptably modern.
DOOK covers their new campus buildings with tacky stone cherubs and fake Gothic arches, to make them appear acceptably old.

CAROLINA: Half the cheerleaders are men.
DOOK: Half the cheerleaders could pass for men.

CAROLINA fans have been known to boo Dook players like Capel and Parks.
DOOK fans have been known to boo Dook players like Capel and Parks.

CAROLINA has an honor code, which is enforced strictly.
DOOK has a diploma, with convicted cheater Greg Newton's name on it.

CAROLINA: The University is not for sale at any price.
TRINITY: Trinity no longer exists. It's now called Philip Morris University, or something pretty close.

CAROLINA alumni include Presidents, Senators and Governors, and countless numbers of the most respected and successful journalists, bankers, writers, scientists, lawyers, doctors, and representatives of every other field imaginable.
DOOK alumni are so painfully undistinguished that Dookies try to claim disgraced criminal Richard Nixon as an alum, even though he isn't, because even career scumbag Nixon looks impressive next to the pathetic list of actual Dook grads.

CAROLINA fans don't know much about "rebuilding years", or "NCAA probation".
DOOK fans don't know much about "good sportsmanship", or "deodorant".

CAROLINA's Dean Smith has defied the passage of time with over 800 wins.
DOOK certainly defied the passage of time in that crooked "win" at Virginia.

CAROLINA: Coach invented the "Four Corners", to prolong a lead.
DOOK: Coach invented a back injury, to prolong a vacation.

CAROLINA girls look like Rosanne Arquette.
DOOK girls look like Rosanne Barr.

CAROLINA fans like to sing all the trademark Carolina songs.
DOOK fans like to chant all the trademark Dook obscenities.

CAROLINA gives thousands of dollars in scholarships to worthy students.
DOOK gave thousands of dollars to that phony "Baron de Rothschild".

CAROLINA is one of the largest universities in the world.
DOOK fans are some of the largest assholes in the world.

CAROLINA: Dean Smith is always there when his players need him.
DOOK: I was going to write a nice blurb here about how dependable Mike Krzyzewski is, but I can't type it because my back is out again. However, I promise I'll be back for the next sentence. Nope, sorry, my back still hurts too much, but maybe the sentence after this one. No, I still can't do it. I guess I can't write any more. Oh, and now that this paragraph is over, I'd like to admit on national television that I never really had a back injury. Instead, my wife ordered me to not write this paragraph. Now, let's all pretend this never happened.

CAROLINA alumni spend the rest of their lives treasuring their days at Chapel Hill.
DOOK alumni spend the rest of their lives emptying their treasury to pay off the debt for their days at Dook.

CAROLINA's Eric Montross relished the taste of victory.
DOOK's Christian Laettner relished the taste of Bryan Davis.

CAROLINA's student stores are often sold out of car flags and face paint.
DOOK's student stores are often sold of The Wall Street Journal and Clearasil.

CAROLINA fans love to remember the latest big football victory.
DOOK fans would also love to remember the latest big football victory, but most of them weren't born then.

CAROLINA celebrated their bicentennial with a speech by the President.
DOOK just went a whole Presidential term without beating Carolina.

CAROLINA: Despite already being worth millions, Michael Jordan returned after an early exit to the NBA to get his UNC diploma, because Carolina players cherish education.
DOOK: Despite being convicted of cheating in Dook Honor Court, Greg Newton returned after a suspension of less than one semester, because Dook University cherishes seven foot tall basketball players.

CAROLINA fans like to imagine what it would be like to play for Dean Smith.
DOOK fans like to imagine what it would be like to have sex with a girl.

CAROLINA has produced SunSite, one of the largest academic sites on the net, offering thousands of research documents 24 hours a day.
DOOK has produced about five of the largest no-life geeks on the net, posting dozens of obnoxious messages to this newsgroup every day.

CAROLINA was the first public university in America, created with the noble idea that higher education was not just for the wealthy and privileged.
DOOK was created so rich Yankees who were too stupid to get into an Ivy League school would have a place to spend four years and $100,000.