It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a
box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through
the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ever
experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed
him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my
idea."
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Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period."
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day."
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car--too accustomed to beating up rentals.
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win."
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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The flight attendant tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't
have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I
have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendant gets the head flight attendant who asks the woman
to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get
the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The
co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets
up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head flight attendant asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to
move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't
going to Jamaica".
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NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to
Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a
one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he
wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate
it all to my alma mater--Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the
same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to
my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one
million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
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For years two brothers -- one a lawyer and the other a deaf-mute
accountant -- worked for a mobster. Whenever the mobster and the
accountant needed to communicate, the lawyer brother would use sign
language and serve as an interpreter.
One day the mobster realized his books were short $3 million. He
called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to
the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this son-of-a-bItch I want to
know where my money is!"
The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that his
brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about.
Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed
at the lawyer brother, "Tell this bastard that he lets me know --
right now -- where the damn money is, or I'll blow his brains out!"
The lawyer told this to his brother, who immediately explained -- in
frantic sign language -- that the money was hidden in a suitcase
under his basement steps.
"Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster."
The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the balls."
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A Scotsman is sitting at the bar with a traveller and the traveller
asks him what his name is. The Scotsman sits up and points out the
window and says " you see that stone fence? It runs for more than
five miles, I built it with my own two hands, every stone is placed
just so, tis the finest fence in all the land, but do you think they
call me McGregor the fence builder? noooooooooooooo
A little while later the man points out the other window and brings
attention to a huge wooden boat in the port. You she that ship? I
built that too. Worked on it for three years, every piece of wood
and every peg, night and day i worked but do you think they call me
McGregor the ship builder? noooooooooo
Still later he made the strange turn on the bar stool and look out
at the church in the distance. You see that church? It was built of
stone and brick by these two hands. Eighteen years, it took me!
But do you think they call me McGregor the Churchbuilder? nooo
He then lowered his voice saying....
But you go and f*** one goat .........