Subject: Miscellaneous Unproductive Time
From: mikf (Michael Farrell, Personnel Director)
To: department-heads
Subj: Miscellaneous Unproductive Time
It has come to my attention recently that many people have been
turning
in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time" (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a
problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during
their
unproductive time.
I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on
my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your
unproductive
time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any
difficulties.
Thanks! Jim
Attached: Extended Job List
Contents:
Job number Explanation
---------- -----------
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
While Coworker is not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who
is not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who
is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who
Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (see jobs #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5909 Sexual Intercourse
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying
Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company
Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g.: vacation, wedding...)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6213 Making Passes at Coworker
6214 Sexually Harassing Coworker
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality
They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see
#6603)
6602-XXXX Doing job XXXX at your own Business (e.g.:
6602-6213, Making Passes at Coworker in Your
Business
6602-5600, Complaining About Difficulties in Your
Business)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
From: ts (Terry Hill, Office Manager)
To: mikf
Subj: About those job numbers...
Mike, just look at Peter's timesheet for this week.
Day Job description Job number Hours
--- --- ----------- --- ------ -----
MON Feeling horny 5511 2.5
Bitching about this job 5600 1.5
Calling up girlfriend on
company phone 6203 1
Pretending to work while Terry
is watching 6221 1
Break 5310 1
Waiting for bell to sound
so I can leave 5321 1
TUE Feeling horny 5511 2
Bitching about low pay 5601 1.5
Making passes at Kathy 6213 1
Printing copies of "Kama Sutra"
on company laser printer 6200 2.5
Break 5310 1
WED Sleeping 5504 1.5
Feeling horny 5511 .5
Break 5310 1
Pretending to work while Terry
is watching 6221 2.5
Sending copies of "Kama Sutra" to
friends in Hawaii using company
fax 6200 2
Joint in men's room 8000 .5
THU Making passes at Kathy 6213 3.5
Bitching about this job 5600 1
Feeling horny 5511 2
Break 5310 1
Waiting for bell so I can leave 5321 .5
FRI Finding lookout to make sure
nobody enters broom closet 7931 .5
Having sex with Kathy in broom
closet 5909 1
Bitching about this dead-end job 5600 .5
Feeling horny 5511 1
Getting Eric to turn in my
timesheet so I can leave early 7931 .5
Miscellaneous unproductive time 5309 4.5
---
Your policy needs to be revised ASAP.
-Terry
From: mikf (Michael Farrell, Personnel Director)
To: th
Subj: Re: About those job numbers...
Terry,
I looked at the timesheet and you are absolutely right. I can't believe
what a mistake I made.
Obviously, Peter left early on Friday, but due to my oversight, was
forced
to put code 5309 down. This is a serious inaccuracy. I've added a
couple of
job numbers which will fix this problem and future problems:
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
Distribute these numbers as before, and this won't happen again.
Thank you for promptly discovering and pointing out this error,
Michael
From: th (Terry Hill, Office Manager)
To: mikf
Subj: Re: About those job numbers...
Michael,
I think you missed the point of my letter. The point was that what Peter
was doing on company time is unacceptable. However, because of
your new
system, he was able to put down officially approved numbers for all of
his activities. I'd never be able to fire him, because in case of a lawsuit,
our policy would be publicized, and we'd become the laughingstock of
the
industry.
A copy of this letter and Peter's timesheet is being sent to the president.
Please work with him to resolve this issue.
-Terry
From: gary (Gary Lorenz, President)
To: th mikf
Subj: peter's timesheet.
mike and terry, i'm disappointed that you couldn't work out a solution
without
appealing to higher authority.
i have promoted peter to office manager in another department. mike,
you will
need to add the following numbers:
8100 - Bragging to Girlfriend About Promotion
8101 - Using Position of Authority and Power to Score with Office
Babes
i think this is a situation where we all win. terry doesn't have an
employee
that he is unhappy with anymore, mike doesn't need to abandon his new
job
numbers which he has obviously put a lot of work into, and peter gets a
better
job and the official "okay" to enjoy the fruits of his labor.
gary.