These are letters between Agnes and her special friend John!
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
-------------------
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
-----------------
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I
don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling
but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
--------------------
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
---------------------
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one
for
every
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
--------------------
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my
front
steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I
can't
sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
---------------------
December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those f***ing birds? 7 swans a-swimming.
What kind
of
god damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and
they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous
wreck.
It's not funny. So stop with those damn birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
-----------------------
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking,
but
they had to bring their f***ing cows. There's shit all over the lawn
and
I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
---------------------
December 22, 1994
Hey! shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing.
And
Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since
they
got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and
they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
------------------------
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Jerk,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't
sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why
this
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
----------------------
December 24, 1994
Listen! f***head,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some
of
those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids
and
have
been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are
dead.
They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,
you
rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which
you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy
Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With
this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
William Bender