The Gumby Chronicles: A PARODY
[Gumby Soze | The Gumby Library | Gumby Exposed! | Talk to the Gum]

Welcome to Gumby's pad. We'd like to thank
you for coming; he'd like to tell you to bugger off.


"To sleep, perchance to..." "Dream, Gumby, dream!" "Oh yeah, dream. I never remember that one." "Maybe that's because you're always drunk, you souse! I don't see how anyone can remain that drunk on margaritas alone! You must be downing them directly from the blender... and another thing--do you think you could try putting on some deodorant for a change? I know you're going for the hip European thing, but having to smell you all day isn't my idea of bliss, okay? And put out that damned cigarette, you wuss!"
-Excerpt from The Gumby Chronicles
July 21, 1988 on the set of Gumby 1

So Kiel walks up to the pool there with margaritas in both hands. He says they're a concoction of his own: margarita with a splash of vodka and scotch; he calls them "Senorita Shields." So Gumby, of course, tries the rancid stuff, and after a few sips he's getting even more irritable than usual. He gets up out of the lounge chair he's been sprawled across, takes off his sunglasses (which were intended to help with the hangover), and starts kicking Kiel in the shins. Of course, Eegah gets visibly upset, but he's so drunk he can't see the Gumby for the pool and ends up falling in. So, I'm sitting here with pen in hand, trying to get some interesting Hollywood anecdotes (like the one where Gumby was drinking in the closet at a party at Marlon Brando's place when he heard Jack Nicholson walk by muttering something), and now there's water all over my notepad, and there's a rat-like Richard Kiel (better known as Rich to his drinking buddies) drowning in the pool. And if it wasn't for the lifeguard on duty, Gumby would have kept Kiel under the water long enough to kill him. But the lifeguard knocked Gumby's clay foot off of Kiel's head, knocking Gumby to the ground in the process, and held on to Kiel's hand long enough to get the crane over to lift the behemoth out of the pool. Needless to say, the lifeguard's arm had to be amputated two days later. (By the way, the water had lowered by over a foot by the time they got Kiel out.)
-Yet another excerpt from The Gumby Chronicles

I had just gotten out of rehab when Emilio invited me to a party at Judd's place. Frankie Goes to Hollywood had just finished their set when Gumby swaggers in, grabbing Molly and kissing her hard on the mouth. He slapped her and she fell into Anthony's lap. Gumby and Judd went to do some lines in the guest bathroom and asked me to go with them. I refused. Rob tried to get me in a threesome with Mare. Thank God Gumby showed up. He pushed me aside, then went off with Rob and Mare. It was a bad scene.
-Ally Sheedy, from Gumby: The Reagan Years

So, I was sitting there talking to Gumby and who shows up but Eegah himself, Richard Kiel. So it seems he and Gumby go back some twenty years, back when they were both in Hollywood seeking fame and fortune with the siblings and half-siblings of the Brat Pack's cousins. Gumby used to visit Richard all the time; they used to paint each others' houses. And when they were sober, they'd even have occasion to visit one another at their day jobs at the Quick-e-Mart and the 7-11, respectively. Indeed, those were the days for both "men" (considering Gumby is but a grouchy lump of clay and Eegah is, well, Eegah), drinking scotches until dawn together, watching football together, beating each others' wives, getting cirrhosis of the liver together... ah, the memories. Sadly enough, these days neither can find work, so Gumby's been peddling life insurance door-to-door and Kiel has been converting inmates at the Florida Correctional Institution (and "Shaunds") to Christ. It's honestly hard for me to say which "actor" has fallen farther. At least they've fallen together--except their one falling-out where Kiel had passed up a lucrative beer commercial deal which Gumby then picked up. Kiel was furious and would have nothing to do with Gumby for months. Then one day the call came: Richard had killed again. This time it was the valedictorian of his daughter's graduating class, Kiel having run her over in her driveway; and in a subsequent rage he had murdered his children's babysitter. When Kiel didn't know where to turn, Gumby was his last hope. The little green guy came over with some beers and he set out to tell a tale of beer and reckless driving which Richard would later use to convert people away from the "trappings of the Devil." It was, of course, on that night that Kiel had sold his soul.
-Excerpt from Gumby and Me: The Biography of Richard Kiel

"Yeah, I know Gumby. We used to go visit Bukowski every Sunday to swap tales. The way he downed margaritas put us both to shame. All right, that's enough. Get the !@#$ outta here, kid."
-Sean Penn, from "Rolling Stone" magazine

Oh, that jerk-off? He worked at Cartoon Network as an intern for a summer. He'd laugh at anything we said: "I was mugged and beaten last night, then left for dead in my own sick"; "Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Very funny sir!" Stuff like that. You know, anything to suck up to the bosses. Well, we got him back. Once he became a 'star' (he makes quotes sign with fingers) we got the rights to his new series, Gumby, and added stupid voices and laugh tracks to it. @#$! interns.
-Andy Merrill, of Cartoon Planet

"Richard and I used to have to feed him when he was down on his luck. He was a pain in the ass. Richard would sit him down and try to talk sense into him....he seemed to think he couldn't act without the margaritas."
-Pam Grier

"Gumby. So pliable....so flexible. Have you seen him lately? Would you tell him to call me?"
-Jeanne Kirkpatrick

I remember Gumby walking into a party George Plimpton was having....Jackie O handed him a scotch and soda. He knocked it from her hand and in his usual belligerent manner told her to get him a margarita. Later on, when Norman Mailer approached Gumby to shake his hand, we presumed, Gumby turned his back on him. It was a smashing good time.
-Gay Talese, The Paris Review Crowd: the 50's

Richard "Eegah!" Kiel | MAIN