R
ICHARD
K
IEL
SuperVillian and Margarita Drinker
Rich intends to kill all of you who've visited these pages, eventually.
How Richard Sold His Soul to the Devil and (Unfortunately) Found God Again
Dateline 1980:
At the home of Richard "Eegah!" Kiel we found
Jaws
himself in the company of his long-time drinking buddy and compadre, Mephistopholes. As it turns out, in
1975
after a run-in with the producer of CHiPs over the motivations of the current week's head thug, Rich, who had promptly been fired, was desperate. On the verge of a nervous breakdown, he found himself at Joe's Killarney Pub and Mexican Restaurant sipping on his seventh margarita when Satan stumbled into the joint. Of course, you wouldn't have recognized him, but it was the devil himself, having taken on the guise of Andy Gibb--then again, was there ever any deception involved?
Anyway, Kiel, being such a huge Bee Gees fan, whipped out his copy of "Too Much Heaven" for Gibb to sign. For all of his bad luck that day, this was a lucky stroke. Satan cordially accepted Rich at his table, knowing full well what a humongous catch he'd found. Offering to buy Rich an order of quesadillas and a margarita in exchange for his soul, Satan made small talk about the price of gas and what a great movie "The Godfather" had been.
It didn't take Richard a second to accept Gibb's generous offer. After all, here was his idol offering to buy
him
lunch. Rich had once aspired to croon for a band of his own; the band which he'd started back in high school ("Bag of Hammers") didn't quite make it beyond the Junior Prom. Gibb's ability to succeed without an ounce of talent in his body fascinated and appealed to the washed-up actor who hadn't had a good role since he realized he was a robot in "The Human Duplicators."
So that is how Richard Kiel lost his soul. The Jaws role in the James Bond movies came a year later when Rich was spotted drinking a fierce daiquiri at a pub in Albert R. Broccoli's home town. Although the auspicious success of this repeat-role might indicate suspicious activity beyond the realm of the reasonable and sane--particularly considering Rich's complete lack of acting ability--Satan disavows any participation in regards to the Bond films and attributes it to "dumb luck." Ironically,
Moonraker
ended up being one of the most diabolically awful Bond films to date, and still the Man Downstairs claims no responsibility. (In a press release Satan had this to say: "I had nothing to do with it, nor did I need to. Rich was there, so I didn't have to be.")
Incidentally, in
1982
, due a bad bet on Super Bowl XVII, Jesus begrudgingly saved Richard's soul and Eegah was "born again." Ever since Richard has been traveling the country spreading God's word (among other venereal diseases). He does this not because he has once again found God, but because he needs the margarita money.
If Happiness is a warm gun, Hell is Richard Kiel in Archer, Florida:
The True Story of our Experience with Richard Kiel
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