Our first ever MST!
This is the first MST we ever did. Sort of. We started it waaay back when, and then finished it around two months later. When we started, it was going to be Mouse, Kitty, and Birdie, but Birdie has booked her life to the point where she barely has time to breathe, so now it's just Mouse and Kitty, with ocassional guest appearances by Birdie.
Editing this was very strange, because our style has changed so much since we started, and even halfway through. Made it hard to keep consistent.
Anyway, this is an MST of "Legolas Finds His Heart," by the infamous kelticdream13. We were working on this way back in November, long before deleterius and lotrsues got hold of it. But when they did get wind of this, hoo boy. She got flamed within an inch of her life, got very upset indeed, and removed the story. The thread where all of this took place, and with links to the..."book"...she published, can be found here.
We decided to post it anyway, because the story was just that bad. If anyone really wants to read it, I have it stored on my hard drive; feel free to email me for it. The address is in my profile.
Now - on with the show.

P.S. I'm actually really bored at the moment - er, I mean, I'm working very hard on things I have to do, but I'm on MSN as typofrog@hotmail.com, and if anyone were to drop by and bug me and tell me that me and Kitty are funny and they love us, I'd try very hard to be gracious about the interruption. Honest I would.


“Legolas Finds His Heart”

Birdie: Oh, good, he found it! I was so worried.
Mouse: What, did he lose it?
Kitty: I know! The Mary Sue stole it! He finally got it back!
All: YAY!
M: Wait – why is there more then?
B: More than what?
M: The title. Doesn’t that say it all?
K: So you mean we actually have to read about it happening?
M: So it appears.
B: NO! I can’t do it! *bolts for door*
K & M: *grab Birdie*
M: Bad girl.
K: If we have to suffer, so do you.

By KelticDream13

M: It begins.
K: What can we infer from the name of the author?
B: She’s really stupid?
M: She can’t spell Celtic?
K: I was getting at her age, but those work too.
M: *shifty eyes* Age. Thirteen. Right right.

The characters and setting of Middle-earth belong to JRR Tolkien and are only being borrowed for the purposes of fanfiction. Any character(s) contained herein that are not an already existing part of Tolkien's universe have been created by the author of this fanfiction and belong to them.

This story is rated PG-17

B: I’m not 17 yet. Perhaps I should leave…
K: Don’t you dare.
M: Okay, people, the ratings go like this: G. PG. PG-13. R. NC-17. Do you see PG-17 at any point in there? No? That’s because it isn’t a rating. See?
B: Shut up. I want this over with.

The thunder rumbled in the sky, like the empty stomach of a Dwarf.

M: ………
B: Dwarves are tasty. I like Dwarves. Yum.
K: Does Lean Cuisine have Dwarves?
M: Are you two pretending to be Orcs again?
B: I be Durbnakh the Devastater!
K: Me Golbrug the Nasty! Mouse be Burzluk the Maimer!
M: Don’t include me in your childishness.
B: *sticks tongue out*
M: Is anyone else going to comment on the traumatizing imagery in that sentence? That’s the worst opener I’ve ever seen. It has to get better, right? It couldn’t possibly get worse…
K: I want some Dwarf Cuisine.

As the lightning lit the sky with a blinding white. The rain came down in a drowning downpour.

M: I was wrong. I was so wrong…
B: Collectible sentence fragments!
K: So we’re all blind. And we’re all drowned.
B: Hey, now we don’t have to hear how beeyooooootiful the Sue is.
M: Is she dead too? Pretty please?

All the animals of the night were safe within their homes, and none except the evil walked upon the earth on this dark and wet night.

A lone rider rode forward.

K: The rider rode. Quite the feat, that.
M: So let me get this straight. Only evil is abroad, correct? So that means, logically, the Mary Sue must be evil. Right? Right?
B: Left!!!
K & M: *look at Birdie*
B: Shut up.

Leaning into the wind, the drenched cloak clung like a second skin. The horse was a beautiful white, it walked, it's head held high, and it's eyes keen and glowing.

B: The horse is possessed!
K: The Mary Sue is evil, and she’s riding a possessed horse. And she has Legolas’s heart in her pouch. This actually sounds sort of interesting.
M: Might I point out the abundance of completely extraneous commas and apostrophes? Not to mention that beaut of a run-on sentence.
B: *twitch* I was trying not to see all that. *twitch*
K: Actually, Birdie, I think that last was more of a convulsion.
B: Shut up.

Such beauty and breeding and grace the animal had. The rider upon it's back, sat weakly upon it's mount, swaying slightly in the saddle.

M: Oo! Another sentence fragment! *snatches* I’m starting my own collection.
K: No fair! I wanted that one!
B: *convulses on floor*
K: What’s the matter with her?
M: I think she has punctuation poisoning.

When the strong smell came, the rider glanced up, as the lightning forked down and struck the ground not a foot away from the two travelers.

B: Just a foot! So close…*sob*

The rider fell to the ground, and lay still.

B: I think she’s dead! It’s amazing!
K: Could we be so lucky?
M: Nah, then we’d have to read eight chapters of somebody angsting about it. There is no luck in this genre.

The proud horse turned and nuzzled it's owner, and found no response as the rain continued to beat upon the down rider.

M: Down rider?
K: Maybe she’s depressed. *breaks into song* I’ve got the bluuuuuuues…

Several beings were also in the valley that evening, returning from a journey. They made no sound, and left no mark of their passing. They were invisible to all but a sharp eye.

M: Never try that at home, kids.
B: Always have your eyes sharpened by a professional blacksmith.
K: And handle the eyes with care. 20% of all household accidents are caused by careless handling of newly sharpened eyes.
B: But only on Tuesdays.
K & M: What?
B: Shut up.

When the one in the lead motioned to the others to stop.

M: Look, another sentence fragment!
B: Kill it.
K: What, the Mary Sue?
B: That too.
M: Not till the end, ladies. And I’ll take that fragment. Now I’ve got two. Wee.

Sharp eyes and pointed ears took in the surrounding area.

B: This is really dangerous.
M: Not to mention unlikely. How many people actually sharpen their eyes?

Saw and heard the white stallion who still stood by it's fallen master.

B: *twitch*
M: Can somebody medicate her?
K: *silently hands Birdie morphine*
M: Where did you get that?
K: It’s called a plot hole.
M: I need one of those.
B: *descends into blissful catatonia*
K: Who gets the fragment then?
M: You can have this one. I’ve already got two.
K: Cool.

The shadows moved swiftly to the horse and downed rider.

K: Shadows ATTACK!
B: Those are very talented shadows.
M: Why doesn’t my shadow ever do that?
K: Silly Mouse, these are trained attack shadows.

The leader spoke softly to the horse, and knelt down to check the rider. He gently turned over the rider, and pushed the hair from the now muddy face. In the almost black night, the elf saw the

K: …horrible disfigurement, and promptly threw up.
M: You have much to learn, child.

beauty there in the face.

M: Evil wears a fair face, I suppose.
B: Which he couldn’t see, as it was DARK.
K: Now she’s glow-in-the-dark Sue! The speshul powers abound!

He looked up at the three who accompanied him, and spoke softly in elvish.

"We must get her to our healer. She is ill I think. Her skin burns with a fire."

B: Maybe it’ll kill her! Don’t get her to the healer! Get oil!
M: It burns with a fire? As opposed to what? Battery acid?
K: Battery acid is fun.
M: *edges away*

He pulled her into his arms and stood effortlessly. He moved forward, holding her as though she weighed no more than a tiny babe.

B: (as leader) OW OW! I’m burning alive!
K: Babe? Like Babe the pig?
M: *rolls eyes* You know full well what she meant, Kitty.
K: I’m not heeeearing you…

One of his friends lead the horse, as they moved toward home.

She came to her senses as she lay there in a bed, in a beautiful room, unlike anything she had ever seen.

B: She came to her senses! Great! Now maybe the story will improve.
M: I dunno… It sounds too good to be true. Did she have any sense to come to?
B: Point.

No windows, just open spaces beyond.

B: She’s in the abyss? I bet it’s the abyss.
M: This story has serious issues. I’m getting so confused.

Morning light came in, and she put a hand to her eyes. Sitting up, she found herself in a unknown place.

B: I’m telling you, it’s the abyss.
M: That’s where she spawned, isn’t it? Why doesn’t she recognize it?...Kitty, what are you doing?
K: I’m practicing my Orc-face.
M: I don’t know why I associate with you people.
B: Because nobody else puts up with you.
M: Shut up.
B: Hey! That’s my line!

The pale natural colors of the room, was pleasing to the eye.

B: *twitches convulsively*
K: *increases morphine drip*
M: If this gets any worse, I’m stealing that.
K: Amen.

The wood of the pillars that made the appearance of windows were carved with beautiful animals, unicorns and small animals.

M: *goes very tense*
B: Mouse… Mouse, please don’t…
M: *shrieks* TOLKIEN DIDN’T WRITE UNICORNS, YOU STUPID [Note from the management: In order to keep our MST’s appropriate for all ages, the rest of this comment has been censored. Sorry for the inconvenience.]
K: But wasn’t Shadowfax a unicorn?
B: Child, you are going to die. As soon as the painkillers wear off.
K: *surreptitiously increases dose again*

The scent of flowers and the outdoors filled her nostril.

M: Only one nostril?
K: Let’s put this in order, shall we? She’s an evil, glow-in-the-dark pig with one nostril and a possessed horse, carrying around an Elvish heart in her pouch.
B: That poor child.
M: Poor? She scares me. This is nightmare quality scariness.
K: You have to admit that it’s far more creative than the average Mary Sue.

It made her smile.

A small knock was heard on the door, and she turned as it slowly opened. A fair haired girl entered, and seemed to glide across the room.

B: She’s gliding. Like a bird?
K: I’m getting more of an ice-skating image. Elfscapades!

She smiled down at the girl in the bed.In her hand she held a small tray with a cup and a bowl. "I am glad that you have awakened. How do you feel?"

Lisa smiled up at the girl.

B: Who is this Lisa, and where did she come from?
K: Is that the Elfscapades girl?
M: No, I’m pretty sure the evil Mary Sue is named Lisa.
K: But I thought she was Babe!
M: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.

"I feel much better. Thank you. Where am I?"

K: In a bad Mary Sue fanfic.
B: I thought it was the abyss.
M: I never noticed any difference.

"You are in Rivendell.

K: Liar.
M: This is not Rivendell. Rivendell would never allow a Mary Sue like you.
B: Especially not one named Lisa.
K: No, it’s clear from your description of the scenery that you are in MORDOR. Duh.
M: I’m not sure even Mordor takes Sues. Not even the evil ones.
B: Are you sure? The possessed horse might get her in.

"Then I am safe. I had hoped I wouldn't be found by the enemy."The girl handed her the tray."Thank you, I am Lisa.”

B: Well, now you tell us.
M: Mouse’s Writing Tips, Part One: Beginners should always introduce the character before referring to her by name.
K: What’s a Sue like you doing in a place like this, “Lisa”?
B: Hey, what’s wrong with the name Lisa?
K: Oh, nothing at all. Practically every other person in Middle Earth is named Lisa.
M: It’s so very Tolkien. Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf, Lisa! It fits so well!
K: There’s Lisa Baggins, Frodo’s second cousin, and Lisa of Gondor, and Lisa Greenleaf, and…
M: And Lisa, granddaughter of Saruman and daughter of Boromir, who are both inexplicably still alive!
B: You can’t be serious.
M: I read ahead.
B: Cheater.
K: You spoiled the whole story for us.
M: Honestly, there wasn’t that much to spoil.
B: Shut up and help me get more morphine.
M: Now, I could totally ruin it and predict that she’ll fall madly in love with Legolas as soon as she lays eyes on him.
B: That isn’t a spoiler. That always happens.
K: Gaah! *gouges out eyes so as not to read spoilers*
M: Liar. You just didn’t want to read the story.
K: Well, that did come into play, yes…
M: *fixes Kitty’s eyes* If we have to read this tripe, so do you.


"I am Terisille. You are welcome here. There is someone who wishes to see you. If you are up to it?"

K: Terisille. That almost sounds Elvish.
M: Who wishes to see her? It sure wasn’t me.
K: Who would? So far she sounds pretty scary looking.
M: No, sillies, this is where she falls in love with Legolas. And this time I didn’t read ahead.
K: However could you guess that?
M: If I said I was just brilliant, would you believe me?
K: No.
M: *sigh* I didn’t think so.
B: …I’m confused.
K: You usually are, dear.
M: Look, Birdie, a parachute!
B: Huh? What?
K: Are you reading ahead again?
M: No, just confusing Birdie. It’s so easy.
B: No. Not. Shut up.
M: I win.

"Who? I know no one here."

B: Good. Keep it that way.
K: For that matter, don’t go meeting people anywhere else, either.

Lisa placed the tray on her lap and took the goblet and sipped. "This is very good."

B: And she drank some more and she put the glass down and smiled and was Pretty.
M: kelticdream13 is very good at run-on sentences. She has quite a talent.
K: No, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong. *rewrites comment*
M: *waits*
K: “kelticdream13 is very good at run-on sentences and she has quite a talent and she is pretty and she wrote a book.”
M: Ah yes. Much better. Except I’m not so sure about that “pretty” bit.
B: This story is putting me to sleep.
K: Caffeine?
B: Forget that. I’m running out of morphine.
M: This has gone on long enough. As a member of this group, I demand my own morphine drip.
K: Not yet. We’re more experienced; we have to be alert.
M: I hate you.
K: Do you?
M: Sometimes.
K: Love you too.

"It is Legolas.

K: Wait wait. She’s drinking Legolas?
All: Ewwww.
B: So not only was she carrying around Legolas’s heart in her pouch, but now she’s drinking his blood?
M: This story is seriously twisted.
K: Who said anything about his blood? She’s drinking him. In his entirety.
B: Maybe they made a milkshake out of him?
M: Blended Legolas. Yum.

He is prince of Mirkwood. He found you two days ago."

B: Then he discarded you in the nearest trash bin he could find.
M: Unfortunately, you were…ah…rescued by some Orcs. They’re picking you up in a few minutes.
K: Something about target practice. We weren’t paying much attention.

"Two days, but I have to be somewhere."

B: As long as it’s not near me, I’m good.
K: You are somewhere. Rivendell. We’ve been over this already.
M: But I thought it was the abyss…
K: The abyssal version of Rivendell?
B: Moving on!

"Rest, and eat. When you are done, Legolas will come to see you."

K: Isn’t he already there? Being drank? Or would it be “drunk”?
M: Is Legolas drunk?
B: Well, she drank him. That counts as drunk in my book.
K: This story must get awesome reviews: possessed horses, dismemberment, drunk elves…
M: Actually, they all went on about how sweet and touching it was.
B: Dismemberment is touching?
M: I’ve long suspected that the reviewers at ff.net are a bit sadistic.
K: Agreed.

The girl turned and walked back to the door. A half hour later, there was another knock, just as Lisa was finishing getting dressed.

M: It took her half an hour to get dressed?
B: Wow. I take three to five minutes.
K: Hey! She didn’t tell us in minute detail what she wore, or describe the process of dressing. I feel gypped.
M: She’s slacking off here.
B: Good.

She called out and turned.

M: Why and what was she “calling out”?
K: Perhaps she meant to say “She called, ‘Out!’ and turned”?
M: Ouch. This relationship is not off to a good start. But then, I suppose that’s what evil Mary Sues do.
B: Naturally.

The door opened and a tall fair elf came into the room.

K: Ooo look, mommy, a circus man!
M: You? So weird.

She looked up at the tall elf,

K: Isn’t he the only elf?
M: And didn’t she already tell us he was tall?
K: Shut up, I’m making a point here.
M: Fine then, Miss Bossy.
K: *glare* Anyway, if he’s the only elf there, why does he need to be distinguished as the tall one?
M: I have a funny feeling the evil ‘Sue is going to be short.
K: Naw. Couldn’t be.
B: And petite. As always.
K: Delicate.
M: Fragile, even.
B: Aren’t they all short?
M: Naa, some are tall. Just never normal height.
K: With long flowing black tresses and beautiful glossy blond curls.
M: *checks* This one’s a redhead.
K:…or fiery red, like the heart of the hottest fire. Whatever.

and into the expressive eyes.

K:…which may or may not have belonged to the tall elf.
M: What are they expressing? Fear? Hatred?
B: Or just the fact that they’re eyes?
M: *pictures eyes holding up little pictures and signs*
B: Charades!
M: I should teach my eyes to play charades. It’ll match my talking lips.

She found that the blond elf was quiet appealing to her.

K: But not loud appealing, because that’s just rude.
M: That sentence is just so wrong.
B: Ears!
M & K: *blank look* What?
B: Shut up.
M: I think the morphine is causing brain damage. We need to hurry before we cause permanent impairment.
K: No, she’s always like this.

He was gorgous.

M: Gorgous.
B: Gorgous?
K: Gorgous…
All: *silence*
M:…so, is that, like, gorgon-ous?
K: That could be it. Gorgons are pretty cool.
B: Monster-Legolas. That’s a new one.
M: And if he looks at her, she turns to stone!
B: That is the best idea I’ve ever heard. Go gorgon-ous Legolas!

She smiled up at him, as he came closer.

K: The proper behavior in that situation would have been to back away slowly. Not come closer.
B: You never want to get too close to Mary Sues. Especially the evil variety.
M: I like the extraneous comma. Very artfully placed, it is.
B: “If you can’t use commas correctly, don’t use any at all.” How many times does Thumper’s mother have to say that?
K: At least once more, Miss Turner.
M: Once again, I don’t know why I associate with you two.
B: Because you loooooove us.

He bowed his head slightly, and smiled back at her.

B: Why is he bowing to her?
M: Because he’s afraid that otherwise she’ll sic her possessed horse on him.
B: He saved her life and he’s bowing to her?
K: *sigh* Birdie, Birdie, Birdie.
M: You clearly have much to learn.
K: Legolas always saves the Sues’ lives, and is always grateful for the opportunity, because they are so beautiful.
B: I really hate what they’ve done to my fandom.
K: I wonder if the horse has a name.
M: Well, that was random.
K: *ignores* I think we should name him Stewie. That seems like a good name for a possessed horse.
B: I hereby dub the horse Stewie.

"I am glad you are well again.

B: (as Legolas) Yes, because now you can leave.
M: (as Legolas) Elrond wouldn’t let me throw you in the well, the meanie. Something about water poisoning.
K: Who was implying that she was well in the first place? Certainly not her psychologist.
B: Stewie told him. Treacherous horse.
K: Gaah! Death to Stewie!
M:…or at least exorcism.

Terisille tells me, that you are anxious to be off.

K: More comma action! Woot!
B: It’s like karate-chop action, only cooler!
M: But we always knew kelticdream13 was good with commas. Or…enthusiastic, anyway.

That you are in a hurry.

K: That you write incomplete sentences.
M: That you don’t understand the function of a period.
B: That you can’t write.

May I be of help?"

M: (as Legolas) Please, let me help you leave. I’ll do anything I can.

"I was to meet someone.

K: *stammers at grammar*
M: Here, let me just fix that. *scribble* There. “I was stealing someone’s meat.”
B: That doesn’t even vaguely resemble the original sentence.
K: Shut up, I like it. But it should be two meats.
M: Yes, of course.
B: *shrug* Two meats are better than one.
M: Always. Especially when there’s a two-for-one deal at McDonald’s.

Someone who could help me find what I have lost."

K: Another complete sentence, brought to you by the letter Q!
B: I’m sorry, dear, your mind is irretrievable.
M: She needs help finding what she’s lost. That’s different from the things she hasn’t lost. She doesn’t need help with those.
B: I do.
M: We know, love.
K: *patpatpat*

"What have you lost?"

K: Didn’t we already establish that it was her mind?
M: Yes. Yes, we did.
B: She’s really into repetition, isn’t she?

"Me. I have lost me.

B: I’m so glad she’s gone.
K: We all are.
B: Let’s try not to find her now that she’s so conveniently lost.
M: *moans* I wish we were still doing Sorceress Jade…
K: Wow. To be wishing for Sorceress Jade… that’s bad.
M: kelticdream13 is so beyond Sorceress Jade. Jade is just a babybadfic author. kelticdream13 is full-blown horror.
B: She’s only 13, though. She has time to get better.
M: *bursts into tears*
B: What? What’d I say?
M: You don’t understand. This author is in her forties. When people gave her constructive criticism, she rebuffed it on the grounds that… oh Eru…
K: *is very pale* Out with it!
M: …on the grounds that she is a published author, and therefore must know more than any critics.
B: *cries*
M: It gets worse. The book is called “Night Travels of the Elven Vampire.” It’s about an elven vampire werewolf former-pirate from another planet who falls in love with a psychic.
K: You lie.
M: No. The cover has a badly photoshopped picture of Orlando Bloom on it. And the entire thing is written just like this fic. I swear.
K: We are going to move on, and pretend we never heard that.
B: I can’t handle this unless I believe that she is 13. I just can’t.

I don't know who I am."

B: Sauron’s granddaughter, nitwit.
K: Doesn’t “lost” more imply not knowing where something is? As opposed to, say, “I’m undefined.”
B: Did they try to divide her by zero?

"Who were you to meet?"

K: Me. I came to meet me. Did you miss that whole last part?
M: Whose meat were you stealing?
B: Who in the world would consider meeting you?
M: Look how we’re on three totally different wavelengths. Our friendship is so very syncopated.
K: Syncopated?
M: Shut up.

"A wizard named Gandolf.

B: I’ve never heard of Gandolf. Have you guys?
K: Sounds suspiciously like a rip-off of some other famous character…can’t put my finger on who, though…
M: Ack! Gandolf! How can you not have heard of Gandolf?!
K: Is he related to the gorgons?
M: *shakes head* Gandolf is in almost every badfic ever written. He is the most prevalent OC ever.
B: Strange how so many people invent the same character like that. Even though he wasn’t in LotR at all.
M: Indeed.

He was to meet me.

B: Why would anyone want to meet her?
M: Maybe it had been arranged and he was being forced.
K: Bah, that would make too much sense.
M: And I thought she was meeting him anyway.
K: Role switch!

He probably didn't wait for me.

M: No, that’s called running away.
K: Why do I not entirely blame him?
B: That’s what I’d do if I were him.
K: (as Gandalf) Run, Shadowfax! Show us the meaning of haste!
M: (as Gandalf) Quick, she’s coming! Faster, darn you!
B: It’s no use. Stewie is too fast.
M: *sigh* Stewie is her trump card.
K: And a very trumpy card it is.

Since I was supposed to meet him yesterday."

K: There we go again, now they’ve switched back.
M: By the way, that was another of kelticdream13’s infamous sentence splitters, brought to you in part by Stewie, the possessed horse.
B: Stewie scares me.
K: Why exactly are they meeting at Rivendell anyway? Is there a special reason for this?
M: And was the part where she nearly died planned for? Because the odds are pretty slim that somebody rescues you and just happens to take you where you were going in the first place.
K: Perhaps she came with instructions.
M: Hey, I like that! A Mary Sue instruction manual…
B: (as instruction manual) If found, please kill on sight.
K: Unfortunately, that phrase in elvish, when read upside down, happens to say “Take me to Rivendell.”
B: Such a sad misunderstanding.

I know him. He seems to know a lot.

B: But it’s all a lie. He doesn’t really know a lot. He just pretends to.
M: Legolas (if that is in fact the identity of this unknown speaker) is so VERY articulate.

He is probably on his way here as we speak."

K: Because he…seems to know a lot.
M: I’m not seeing what “he knows a lot” has to do with anything that was just said.
B: He doesn’t know a lot. He seems to know a lot. See?
M:…..right. Anyway, if Gandalf was supposed to meet her (or she was supposed to meet him; whatever) yesterday, why is he only now on the way?
K: Yeah. Are they like synchronically late?

"Maybe if I hurry I could catch him."

B: With a butterfly net.
M: Why…? I thought he was on the way. To meet her. Why would she need to catch him?
K: He’s probably still running away. I would be.

Legolas put a hand on her shoulder, and gave a gentle squeeze.

M: But why? I fail to understand the random utterances and actions of her characters.
B: I don’t think she understands them either.
K: I have a feeling dice may be involved.
M: (as kelticdream13) Well, Legolas and my character are obviously going to fall in love, so I’ll just insert some spontaneous random intimacy about here…

"I will help you find him.

M: (as Legolas) So…I’ll just go look now, huh? Be back…um…later. When I’ve found him. Yeah.
B: (as Legolas) I think I’ll go look in the stables. Where my horse is. That sounds like a likely place.
K: (as Legolas, to Gandalf) Quick man, hide, hide!

But it is not safe for a lady to be out and about alone, espeally in these evil times."

K: *snerk* What lady?
M: Espeally. Espeally.
B: I love espealling.
M: But it’s very dangerous to be espeally these days.
K: But only if you’re alone. So let’s be espeally together!
B: Aw, I’m touched. Espeally touched.
M:….Moving on now. So it’s dangerous for her to be outside and alone in Rivendell?
K: Yup. Rivendell’s just crawling with dangerous creatures these days.
B: Mary Sues all over the place. You’re lucky to get out with your sanity intact.

"I can take care of myself. I....."

M: (as Lisa) I can, really! I don’t need you! Look at me trail off while I wait for you to insist…
K: Who are you kidding? You can’t even talk for yourself. You’ve already been saved from certain death once, and this is just the first chapter!

Her voice trailed off. Keeping something a secret.

K: Woohoo! Go complete sentences!
M: It’s a special skill of kelticdream13’s.
B: And it’s even a Gerund sentence fragment.
K: Gerundimawhatsit?
M: Wow. Birdie even knows grammar terminology. Me, I just know how to use it.
B: *preens*

Legolas smiled, and felt a warmth towards the young human woman before him.

M: Is Legolas feverish? Quick, get him to the infirmary!
K: No, the warmth is the warmth of having recently lit her on fire.
M:...that is nothing but wish fulfillment.
B: *ignores* More gasoline! Build the fire higher!
K: Pour it on!
M: I’m telling you, he has a fever.
B: Fine then. Her presence made him ill.
K: She’s hazardous to the health of all elves, and should be exiled.
M: Better.

He had not felt such an attraction in many years.

K: In fact, he still didn’t.
B: Indeed, she repulsed him.
M: No, Legolas sweetheart, that isn’t attraction. It’s a fever. I recommend ibuprofen.
B: Or morphine. I have some morphine you could have.
K: What, you have more, and you didn’t share it with us!?
M: I thought we were espeally friends!
B: Erm…I lied?
M: I’m not your friend anymore.
K: Neither am I.
B: Fine. Fic’s almost over anyway.

But he did feel something for the beautiful green eyed redhead before him.

B: Something…
K: He calls it “something” because the level of sheer hatred is beyond words. Not to mention the disgust, the fear, the pity…
B: I have no pity.
M: He isn’t listening to me. He’s obviously very ill and needs medical attention.
K: *patpat* Don’t worry. He’ll be right as rain after the fic.
M: I’d like to point out that in the last paragraph alone, we’ve had a secretive Sue, love at first sight, and an extraneous beauty description.
K: Check, check, and double-check.
B: Wow. The sheer number of clichés she managed to horn into a single paragraph is absolutely stunning.

He would help her.

K: Right off a cliff, he would.
B: Very helpful, Legolas is.
K: Very helpful.
M: And now, as a special treat, we’re going to…ah…comment…on the little summary she had at the top of the page at ff.net. Enjoy.

Note: The story is a love story, of a love between a elf and a human.

M: A elf. A elf. Hon, that’s basic third grade grammar.
K: She didn’t get that far. She says she started writing when she was 8, remember?
B: But still! She wrote this when she was like 40!
K: She may have been 40 when she finished, but she was 8 when she started. It took a long time.
M: Ah, I get it now. All those letters to arrange on her magna-board.

The problems caused by this.

M: Behold the amazing sentence fragment!
K: She should so patent that.

There is danger, adventure,action too.

M: She likes talking about her stories like she’s one of those raves on video boxes. She does it everywhere. It’s sort of amusing in a really stupid way.
B: There is bad spelling, nonexistent grammar, sentence fragments too.
K: Almost…done…

What would someone give for love?

K: What would someone give to have this story burned and its author’s keyboard smashed to smithereens?
M: I’d give up my plastic ponies. What about you?
B: I’d give anything! Anything! Just make it stop, please! *dissolves into tears and cowers under computer desk, rocking back and forth*

Do for love?

K: See above.

How about secrets?

K: Yep, those secrets. How ‘bout ‘em?
M: I’ll have two. On the side, please.
B: How about this weather, eh?

Now if anyone wants to read more of this adventure, review.

M: (as kelticdream13) I am insecure! Validate me! Tell me I am wonderful!
K: This in itself is almost enough to keep me from posting a review.
B: So you have to review the “adventure” before you’re allowed to read it?
M: No, I think she’s saying that unless people review it she won’t keep writing.
B: (as reviewer) Bad. Stay away. At all costs.
K: No, don’t review! She said that’d make her keep writing!
M: She’s like a review-powered robot.
K: Bad Birdie. Perpetuating the badfic – how could you?

No further shall this go, if you don't.

M: Like Yoda I speak.
K: This is a really common problem in badfic, isn’t it?
B: Well, Yoda is pretty cool. I wanna be like Yoda.

Just remember(those who write nasty) no one ask you to read it, you didn't pay for it either.

M: Can I insert a mini-rant here?
K: If you wish.
M: Okay. This nonsense about how "if you don't like it, don't read it"? It annoys the snot out of me. How was I supposed to know I didn't like it if I didn't read it? And if I hated it, why shouldn't I say so? If I don’t, you’ll never know that you suck, and you’ll never get any better.
B: Because you’re supposed to be a mindless, spineless jellyfish, like most of the badfic writers are.
M: Oh. Wups.

So keep the nasty opinions to yourself.

K: Ooops. Too late.
M: Wupsie again. Does this mean we’re stopping now?
K: Yes, but only because we’re done.
B: We are?
M: Really?
K: Yep.
M: Good lord, I thought it would never end.
B: I’m never hanging out with you guys again. Sleepovers with you are no fun.
K: Yes, you will. Deep down you know you loved it.
B: I’m not going to dignify that with a response.