Lions and Chocolate and Pier Pressure, oh my!
I present to you, gentle readers, a very old MST, finished before the Great Internet Exile. I found it hysterical, but that might have been because I was bored mindless. Who knows? In any case, I give you -


AN MST BY MOUSE AND BIRDIE
Based on ‘Change of Heart and Soul,’ by Lying Truthfully

Mouse: Ready?
Birdie: Chirp chirp!
M: Rightio. Let’s get this party started.
B: *hums along*
M: First, a warning to our readers: This fic makes no sense whatsoever.
B: Don’t read it without an MST if you value your souls!
M: Yes. The author apparently does not understand what quotation marks are. Either that or they saw this fic and ran for their lives, because they are entirely absent from this chapter.
B: If I were quotations, I would run too.
M: But you aren’t, and neither am I. We are MSTers, and thus we must do our civic duty and read it. We lead such hard lives.
B: Do we have peanuts? I think if we have peanuts I can handle it.
M: No, but we’ve got a king-sized Caramello and some Wheat Thins.
B: I dunno. Maybe.
M: And chocolate covered pretzels.
B: Ooo! Chocolate covered pretzels! I’d do anything for those! Lights, camera, MST!

Summary: She had problems and a life of course every day she’d hate it but still live it,

M: Like I said, it makes no sense. At all.
B: None. May I insert some punctuation, just to clarify?
M: Be my guest. I tried it myself, but the result was just as stupid.
B: “She had problems and. A life of course every, day she’d hate. It but still; live it?”…Makes more sense that way.
M: This is admittedly true.
B: Thank you. No autographs; just money.

if it makes it any harder on her she runs into someone she only thought of being in a book,

M: I can’t even snark on this. It’s just…gah.
B: Kinda squishy inside a book. That someone must be pretty darn skinny.
M: I can’t figure out what it MEANS!

when he stays with her he helps her find herself when he learns from her a different way of life.

B: *coughs, gags, retches*
M: *sigh* One guess as to who “he” is.
B: Orli!...I can’t believe I just said that…*hangs head in shame*
M: No, if it was Orlando, *gives Birdie pointed look* I’d have reported her rear end. FF.net doesn’t allow real-person based fics.
B: I called him Orli. Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery.

~*~*~*~*~*~

M: Dude. FF.net has an infection of stars and waveys. It’s like a pox or something.
B: Maybe it’s an alien code! They’re trying to warn us of the dangers of badfic!
M: *examines* You know, you could very well be right.

Grace…Grace… GRACE MCCOY!

M: The voices in her head! They’re yelling at her!
B: Hey, so are the voices in my head!
M: Everyone’s yelling at her.
B: But see, the voices in my head are saying “Die die!” Notice the quotation marks.
M: GRACE MCCOY! Step away from the keyboard!
B: Stop typing now, and nobody gets hurt.

Huh!? I was brought back to reality from the shout of my name looking up from my notebook to everyone staring at me as Mrs. Thorn walked over to my desk.

M: I’m trying really hard to follow what that sentence is saying, and all I’m doing is tying my brain in knots.
B: Let’s look at it together. Apparently, she came back to reality from the Shout of Her Name, which is where she was away from reality.
M: Specifically, it would appear that she was in the Shout of Her Name Looking Up From Her Notebook. Fascinating. Perhaps this is the secret spawning ground of Sues?
B: Sounds like a nice place. We should vacation there this summer.
M: No way. Sues play there.
B: Yeah, I guess we should stick with reality.
M: Which, it seems, is also known as Everyone Staring at Me.
B: Well, it is to me…
M: Well, yes, me too.
B: But it’s okay, because We Stare Back!
M: We do! And we Make Funny Faces!

Ms. McCoy since your not paying attention to the Grammar lesson,

M: She owns a not paying attention?
B: The Grammar lesson, mind you, not the grammar lesson. This is the ultimate grammar lesson, from which all Sues learn the meaning of their pointless lives.
M: Obviously, like Grace here, they haven’t been paying attention. Which is why their lives are so very meaningless.
B: So that’s it. And here I thought they were just created that way. How silly of me.
M: This fic is teaching us a great deal about the inner workings of the Sue.

then I hope you don’t mind me taking whatever your working on that’s more important to the lesson.

B: I don’t mind at all. Wanna see my stick-figure novella?
M: Can you see a grammar teacher speaking like this? Ever?
B: Nope. Even my regular old English teachers use punctuation. And not just when they’re writing – they use it in everyday speech too!
M: You really can hear commas, you know.
B: I know I can. *looks down nose at anyone who can’t*

And if so then I hope you don’t mind if I read it to the class.

B: Please! Please!
M: The grammar…makes my brain…go…*pop*…*dead*
B: Oh dear. Have a Caramello.
M: *peeks an eye open* Any Wheat Thins left?
B: Over there.
M: Oh, okay then. *revives and eats crackers*
B: *rolls eyes surreptitiously*

The teacher said as she picked up the notebook.

B: Said what?
M: Nothing. There was nothing that delineated speech of any kind.
B: In fact, according to the punctuation, no one has said anything at all so far.
M: This author – Lying Truthfully? – is very confused as to what speaking entails.
B: So it would appear.

Yes, read it Mrs. Thorn lets see what this girl writes about all the time during classes.

M: The author is talking to the teacher? Traitor.
B: Is that who’s talking? I kind of got the impression the note itself was speaking. Or maybe the teacher was talking to herself?
M: I don’t think anything in the story is speaking, because if that was the case, we would have these lovely little things called QUOTATION MARKS.
B: True. Note to Suethors: Punctuation, if properly treated, is your friend.

Said a boy seated in the neck row near me,

M: There was a whole row of necks? Dude. That’s not an image you want after inhaling chocolate covered pretzels.
B: Neck row… like a neck tie?
M: Um…I suppose it’s possible…
B: A row of neck ties. On the row of necks!
M: But not people.
B: No, just necks.
M: What kind of bizarre school does this girl go to? No wonder the punctuation ran screaming into the night.

of course it had to be Jason.

B: Of course. It couldn’t be Robert.
M: Of course not. It was necessary that it be Jason.
B: Poor Robert. Always getting discriminated against.
M: Do you even know a Robert?
B: No. That’s why he gets discriminated against.
M: *snorts Wheat Thin out of nose*
B: You okay?
M:…yeah, I’m good now. I have no idea why I thought that was so funny.
B: *patpat* Don’t worry, the rest of us think this is normal behavior from you.

Yeah! The class chimed in

B: But they all did it silently, without quotation marks.
M: The author is excited about this chiming. She even had to exclaim about it.

No, What I wrote is not to be read to everyone that wants to sit there and make a mockery of it,

B: How do you make a mockery?
M: Papier mache.
B: Papier mache. That explains it.
M: You can make ceramic mockeries, but that’s very advanced.
B: I would imagine.
M: Now hold on while I attempt to rewrite that sentence so it doesn’t make my brain hurt.
B: We need Kitty for this. This is advanced ficcish.
M: Got it. “No, what I wrote shouldn’t be read to everyone, because they’ll mock me, and deservingly so.”
B: I’m impressed. You get a gold star.
M: Why thank you.

that’s one good reason to why most teachers are hated Mrs. Thorn for embarrassing them to make pier pressure worse I would say.

M: So…most teachers are hated…because Mrs. Thorn embarrasses them with “pier pressure”?
B: Pier pressure: the pressure a pier exerts on the ground beneath it.
M: Thanks, I was wondering about that. I don’t see how you can embarrass someone with pier pressure though.
B: It makes perfect sense. She likes to fish.
M: And others…don’t. So she…makes a mockery of them…?
B: Ceramic mockery, because she’s good at this.
M: And all the teachers…are hated for it…
B: Guilty by association, I guess.

That’s enough out of you Ms. McCoy I’ll be taking this and be seeing you after school.

M: This girl has serious problems with the voices in her head.
B: Yes, very serious problems. Especially when they threaten to see her after school.
M: Indeed. I’d be frightened too.

The bell rang dismissing the class for home.

B: Go, class!
M: Run away from the fic! Run away, and never look back!
B: Lion King. But it’s supposed to be “Run, Simba. And never return.”
M: …uh, yeah. *pats Birdie*
B: *beams* I’m so good at trivia.

Grabbing my messenger bag and heading out of the class down the hall to my locker.

M: And that, friends, is a fragment worthy of KelticDream13.
B: Maybe the author is aspiring to write like KelticDream13. That would explain all this.
M: *twitch* Kill her now. NOW, I say, before she reaches her goal! Soon she’ll be publishing books about Orlando Bloom!
B: Kill her? With what? All we have left is the Caramello.
M: Stuff the caramel up her nose, I don’t care!
B: Would that really kill someone, do you think?
M: I dunno – the Wheat Thins in my nose nearly killed me, but that might have been the salt.

Switching books that I need for homework for the ones that I didn’t need.

M: She did it again. Two in a row. I’m very nearly impressed.
B: So she just got the books she doesn’t need and put away the ones she does. Intelligent move.
M: Teachers don’t generally accept the “I left my book at school” excuse, so maybe she just wants to fail.
B: I would if I were her.
M: Why? To avoid the pier-pressure-wielding Mrs. Thorn?
B: No. To avoid her.
M: You’d want to fail school to avoid…yourself?
B: Yup. If I were her, I would definitely avoid myself. Wouldn’t you?

Hey Grace so how was 7th hour?

B: Is her locker speaking to her?
M: *stands up on chair with bullhorn* ATTENTION, LYING TRUTHFULLY! PUNCTUATION IS YOUR FRIEND! …then again, maybe it isn’t, seeing as how it appears to have abandoned you completely.
B: Smart move. *nods to punctuation*
M: But punctuation never did keep very good company. KelticDream13 had more than she knew what to do with.
B: I figure she was holding it against its will.
M: A viable possibility.

Tauney said as she came up behind me.

B: Tauney?
M: Tauney. Is that like tawny?
B: Probably. She’s not a big believer in grammar, so spelling can’t mean that much to her either.
M: Tawny then. So she’s a yellow-brown color?
B: Of course. With a little green thrown in for good measure.
M: Maybe she’s a lion. Lions are usually tawny.
B: A lion? Truthfully?
M:…
B: Get it? Lion Truthfully!
M:…
B: *rolls on floor with laughter*
M: Hardy har har.
B: *hyperventilates*
M: *thumps Birdie on the back* It wasn’t even a good pun. Get a grip.
B: It was a wonderful pun. You’re just jealous of my superior wit.
M: Yeah, that’s it. So jealous. Look at me, I’m turning green with envy.
B: Sarcasm doesn’t beat humor.
M: No seriously. My insides are curdling with jealousy over here. It feels sort of like indigestion.
B: Shut up and lay off the sugar.

Great, I have another meeting with Mrs. Thorn before I head home.

M: Gack, she didn’t even start a new line!
B: I thought she hated Mrs. Thorn.
M: She does. Mrs. Thorn makes everyone hate all the teachers with her fearsome pier pressure. And she threatens them with fish.
B: Then how is it great that she has a meeting?
M: Sarcasm?
B: But…it….doesn’t….
M: Here, I found peanut M&Ms.
B: Hey, cool!

I stated closing my locker and heading down the hall Tauney following behind catching up to me.

B: Does that make any sense to you?
M: Um.
B: Is that a no? Because I am having serious issues with this particular…line. I refuse to call it a sentence, because that insults all the other poor sentences.
M: *makes a valiant attempt* “I stated ‘Closing my locker,’ and floated my airhead self down the hall, with my lion-friend trotting after me, trying to catch me. To EAT ME.”
B: Yay! Can I have some?
M: No. It’s poisonous. Mary Sues are deadly even without ingesting them.
B: Oh. Darn. I’m out of M&Ms.
M: What, already? Pig.
B: *eats all the Caramello just to spite Mouse*

What did you do this time?

B: (as Grace) I existed, mostly.
M: (as Grace) And I refused to use any sort of punctuation at all in a grammar class, which I’m pretty sure they don’t even teach anymore in the U.S.
B: The only wonder is that any teacher would willingly subject herself to Grace’s presence.

She took away my notebook threttening to embarrass me in front of the class which I don’t need right now.

M: Oo! This gives me an opportunity to use my latest purchase!
B: What is it? Chocolate?
M: *hauls out a huge, red, leather-bound book, covered in dust* The Dictionary of Badfic Language! An indispensable tool for the dedicated student of ficcish!
B: *impressed* Look up ‘thretten’; I’m pretty sure it’s not English.
M: Thretten (v.) To wind thread with a Swedish accent.
B: Mrs. Thorn is so evil. What’s she winding thread around?
M: Grace’s throat?
B: That’d be nice. Give her more thread!
M: Hey, this calls for sympathy. I know it’s embarrassing when some smelly fish-lady winds thread around your throat in a Swedish accent. That stuff will give you nightmares for years.
B: Has it happened to you?
M: *sniffles*
B: Aww, Mousey, I’m so sorry.
M: *small sob* It was horrible.

Well I’ll talk to you later Grace, see ya.

M: Well, that was abrupt.
B: They must not be very good friends.
M: The lion was trying to eat her. That tends to sour relationships.
B: So does a lot of unnecessary angst.
M: Between the two of them, this friendship was doomed from the start.
B: You just can’t be friends with lions. Especially ones with stupid names like Tauney.

Tauney said as she left.

M: You know, I’m not even going to comment on the horrible grammar and sentence fragments anymore.
B: “She said, ‘As she left.’”?
M: *shrug* It makes about as much sense as anything else that’s happened so far. Though I do want to know what kind of lion she is that she can talk.
B: Maybe she’s Aslan in disguise!
M: Aslan wouldn’t be caught dead near this thing. Neither would Simba, for that matter. Quit referring to decent stories; the comparison is making me nauseous.

I waved bye and walked into the classroom to see Mrs. Thorn sitting at her desk.

M: Whoa whoa whoa. So suddenly it’s after school?
B: Yeah, the bell dismissed them to go home.
M: Then why did she leave the classroom? Why not just stay and get it over with? What teacher would let you go like that?
B: *shrugs* I’ve got more M&Ms; trifles like that don’t bother me.
M: I mean, it doesn’t make any sense! Why would…I just…meh. Hand over the chocolate.

Take a seat Grace.

M: (as Mrs. Thorn) Just stick it in your bag and go. Quickly, please.
B: A whole seat? What an honor.
M: It was the one she defiled by sitting in. Sue germs, you know.

Grace this is the 3rd time this week, and the 5th time this month I had to take your notebook away from you.

B: Oh no! How could she? Tsk tsk.
M: A shame, really.
B: It’s really serious when the teacher has to TAKE YOUR NOTEBOOK!
M: The sheer horror of it…it fair boggles the mind…
B: My teachers keep their own notebooks so they don’t have to borrow mine.
M: So do mine. Mrs. Thorn must be very poor – notebooks are only seventy-five cents at Wal-mart.

You need to stop writing and pay more attention in class. You’re a smart girl and have pulled up your grade in many of your classes I don’t want to see you slipping again because of lack of focus.

B: *yawn*
M: (as Lying Truthfully) I have such ANGST and MISERY! I shall write a blatant self-insert about my HORRIBLE PROBLEMS!
B: Are lacks of focus like banana peels? Slipping people up?
M: Yup. They do that and screw up peoples grades. Evil little buggers.

Mrs. Thorn I don’t have a lack-of-focus I wont slip like you said I’ve brought my grades up and am going fine can I please just have my notebook back please and I’ll be on my way.

M: *gasps for air* The run-on sentence…. *pant pant*
B: That was serious. Even KelticDream13 never managed run-ons of that caliber…
M: Two in a row, even!

Grace I will let you off this time and I will give you back your notebook, but I will have to inform your parents about this. Here you go.

M: Because having your notebook taken away is serious business. This could go on her permanent record.
B: She could even go to the state penitentiary.
M: That Mrs. Thorn is just awful. No wonder all the teachers are hated.
B: It’s all the pier pressure.

She said handing the notebook back.

M: *whaps Lying Truthfully in the head with a hardbound English textbook*
B: Harder! Harder!
M: I am ashamed that I speak the same language as this person.
B: Well, you’re learning Japanese, and I know some French. Technically speaking, we don’t have to speak English.
M: *grimly* We’ll just have to become fluent and switch over entirely.

Taking the notebook back, Great just what I need another thing to happen to get mother pist and then the lecture.

M: Oh. My. God.
B: It’s a miracle!
M: Some indication of speech/thought as differentiated from narrative!
Both: *throw small party*
M:…anyway.
B: So her mom’s pist, eh?
M: Sounds serious.
B: Maybe we should send some cookies over.
M: Poor thing gives birth to a complete Sue without even rudimentary grammatical skills, and then gets pist in the bargain. Some people have no luck.

Bye Mrs. Thorn I said as I left the classroom and headed for the student parking lot.

M: This idiot DRIVES?! What moron let her slip through the testing?
B: She must live in Florida.
M: No, because as a resident of Florida and a graduate of its somewhat dubious educational system, I can assure you that they definitely don’t have grammar lessons there.
B: True. But Sues don’t live in our version of reality anyway. Case in point: Isn’t it odd that Grace reprimands her teacher in a very disrespectful manner, using a horrible run-on sentence, but then goes on to say a cordial ‘Bye’ before she leaves?
M: That’s Sue-logic for you.

~*~

M: SECRET ALIEN MESSAGES!
B: This must be serious if the aliens feel the need to warn us yet again.
M: My thoughts exactly. Brace yourself.

Your home late what took you I had to get a ride home?

B: Wow.
M: The aliens were totally justified.
B: Her home is late. I hate that.
M: ‘you I had to get a ride home’ – bzuh?
B: I wonder what took her. I don’t remember her being taken by anything.
M: Note that the unidentified speaker (if s/he is, in fact, speaking; there has been no indication to that effect) is not sure whether her home is late, whether something took her, or whether they had to get a ride home.
B: All excellent points.

Mat I’m not in the mood please ok, sorry I have to shuffle you around the place but I had to stay after school, now can you just leave me be.

B: Ouch. And the brother’s been fried.
M: She really jumped on him, didn’t she? And he was actually darn polite for a younger sibling.
B: I dunno – he’s whining that he had to get a ride home because he couldn’t wait for her to finish a five-minute meeting.
M: Okay, so they’re both rude, and their mother is pist.
B: I think this family needs counseling.

If mom needs me I’m in my room.

M: Wow. I think that’s the first nominally acceptable sentence she’s written so far.
B: It actually doesn’t make me cringe. I don’t know how to respond.
M: She’s making progress!
B: How far our standards have fallen.
M: We need a quality literature injection, stat.

Heading upstairs and shutting the door to my room, placing my bag on the floor, I went to my bed and flopped now on it staring at the ceiling, this was only one day of the week that I had to go through theres still 4 more school days and 3 weekend days counting Friday and nothing ever changes.

M:…and all the progress just went down the drain.
B: Is she going for the longest run-on award?
M: Can we just…skip that sentence? There’s some very strange timeline interpretation going on in there, and I suspect that attempting to figure it out may make my brain melt down.
B: Mine is already gone.
M: Which is why, readers, Mouse and Company strongly recommend you back up your mind before reading badfic. We find that CD-RWs are very handy for this.
B: Mouse and Company? So Kitty and I are just Company?
M: Fine. Mouse, Kitty, and Birdie. Happy now?
B: It should go in alphabetical order, I think. Actually, I know it should.
M: No, because it’s my LJ and I do most of the work, and Kitty is around more often. It goes in order of involvement.
B: Fine. I’ll just go…drown myself in root beer to help me suffer the pain of rejection.
M: You do that. As soon as we’re done.

Huh…

B: My thoughts exactly.
M: Looks like that last sentence fried her brain too.

I drifted of to sleep never know what time I will wake up.

M: Mid-sentence tense change! GAH! Honestly, people, how much intelligence does it take to keep your tense consistent in JUST ONE sentence?!
B: Too much, apparently. But hey, maybe she won’t wake up.
M: *hugs Birdie* We can only hope.

~*~

B: These aliens are very persistent.
M: How much worse can this possibly get?
B: I don’t want to know. *plugs ears* Don’t tell me.
M: In any case, we’d better pass around the last of the chocolate covered pretzels for fortitude.
B: Excellent idea!
M: There are three left. That’s one and a half for each of us. Emergencies only.

huh… what time is it? 11:49 shit!

B: Is that like AM and PM? In a different language maybe?
M: *huddles into chair* Have half a pretzel.

Mom’s going to be pisted I missed dinner and didn’t take care of the rest of the list of stuff she has me do.

B: Poor woman, pist again.
M: We really need to bake her some cookies. I’ll meet you at 3:00 shit sharp.
B: Sadly, I have heard that sentence uttered before.
M: Really?
B: College life will do that to you.
M: Pisted. Hee.

~*~

M: I’m glad we still have a pretzel each. This is going to get downright deadly.
B: *clings to pretzel desperately* It won’t be enough! I know it!

after finishing the dishes and everything I neglected walking back into my room after and getting my night clothes on it was 3:32 in the morning and it was just wonderful because I have to get up in like 4 hours.

M: *sigh* Another mid-sentence tense change. When this is over, I’m so going to reread The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
B: She neglected walking back into her room?
M: Yes. And I’m sure Walking Back Into Her Room appreciated the neglect. Attention from this girl could kill.

Drifting back of to sleep I wondered if anything could get any harder for me.

B: I’m sure it could. For instance, we could show up in your room and make your life very, very difficult.
M: Because her life is SO HARD. She had her notebook taken away, she got a really polite, well-meaning lecture, her mother is pisted, and she had to do the dishes!
B: Not to mention that her family must be utter slobs, because it took her three and a half hours to wash the dishes.
M: And she’ll only get four hours of sleep, which is just awful, despite the fact that she slept for at least six hours after school.
B: *sobs at the sheer misery of it all*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

M: Courage, Birdie! We’re almost done!
B: *clenches jaw* I can do it. I won’t give in yet.

ok this was my first chapter please let me what you think of it well I got to go to bed its late really late please R&R!!

B: What? It’s over?
M: Where was the plot?
B: That was a chapter?
M: Nothing happened! Unless you count the severe, painful mangling of the English language, that is.
B: No, that’s standard procedure, though she did elevate it to new heights. It doesn’t count. Nothing happened.
M: Well, according to the reviews, later Leggy shows up and falls in love with her.
B: Of course. That’s what he’s for.
M: Dunno what that business with the Ring and Mirkwood was, but it’s obviously of secondary importance to his role as Sue-Lover. Apparently he helps this one deal with her absolutely traumatic life.
B: Very important. Much more important than the survival of Middle-earth.
M: Middle-what? *dismisses with a pshaw and a wave*
B: Pshaws are fun. *pshaws*
M: Well, anyway, that was it. Enlightening, that was.
B: *cough*
M: A good dose of groundless angst was just what I needed today.
B: Of course. Really clears the sinuses.