You thought we died, didn't you?
Well, we didn't. We just sort of got distracted. Shiny objects affect us that way. Also, we have apparently regressed mentally to the level of fourth-grade boys. Our apologies.



AN MST BY MOUSE AND KITTY
Based on "An Ordinary Story" by Candy Quackenbush

Mouse: Hello, and welcome!
Kitty: It’s another fine episode of Cooking With Steve!
M:…
K: I mean, an MST.
M: Today, we have an author named “Candy Quackenbush.” Hi, Candy!
K: …really?
M: Yes. Really.
K: Quack! Honk-honk! (translation: “Hi, Candy!”)
M: She’s written a fantastically boring story called “An Ordinary Story.”
K: Only ordinary by fanfiction.net’s standards, mind you.
M: These stories are a dime a dozen on FF.net.
K: Heck, a penny a dozen.
M: Some days they pay you to take them.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of J.R.R.Tolkien or his characters (sigh).

K: I own his head.
M: I’ve got three toes off his left foot. I beat up a little old lady for them.
K: Wow. Impressive.

I only own Tara, Yumi, and Cathy; sadly yes.

M: Better you than me, sweetie.
K: I’d be sad if I owned them.
M: I like the name-scheme. The Three Sueketeers: Tara, Cathy, and…Yumi!
K: Yummy!
M: Her name is officially Yummy.

[MST note: This was the weirdest cut and paste ever. The end of the sentence started out a question mark, transformed in the MSN window to a smiley-face, then made another transition to a J, which is how it appears here; in Microsoft Word, a strange squiggly symbol appeared before “story,” and the sentence ended punctuation-free.]
Hello my fellow readers! I’m so happy you clicked on my storyj

K: So nice of that question mark to turn into a J. I think it makes more sense this way.
M: I must say, the J does add a certain panache.
K: Or a pancake.
M: Shut up, Kitty; you just ate.
K: Hmmph.
M: Anyway, this helps our brains – it’s not a story; it’s a storyj, so writing rules don’t apply.

First of all, I would like to say that this is my first fanfic, and that I’ll try to do everything I can to please my readers!

M: Let’s take a look at one of these “readers,” shall we?
K: Oh, do let’s!

[An actual review:]
You've got a definate voice but careful, you don't want your voice to stop you from creating an atmosphere. That wasn't a problem in this chapter as the mood was light. I think I can see where this story is going, girl-falls-through-the-vortex-into-lotr isn't exactly an original concept but it's okay to use that concept as long as the STORY is original...

M: And it continues on in that vein.
K: *pulls it out of her veins* Ow!
M: Suffice it say that pleasing these particular readers is somewhat less than wise.
K: But easy, certainly easy!
M: Banging on one’s keyboard with an elbow would please these monkeys, as long as the banging produced the word “Legolas.”
K: You don’t even have to get that coherent; “Leggie” would do, or “Orli.”
M: *shudders* Don’t utter those…syllables. They offend my delicate sensibilities.

Like I said, I own nothing of J.R. R.Tolkien.

M: And like we said, we do.
K: This has been covered.
M: I’d be willing to part with the smallest of the toes for a reasonable price.
K: Like, say, $7000 USD. Or just your soul, you don’t seem to need that.
M: We’re in need of spare souls, since apparently we don’t have any.
K: So, Candy, the question is: Would you sell your soul to own part of Tolkien?
M: I’ll throw in a pair of toenail clippers.

any who! I would

really like it if you reviewed my story p-p-p please (puppy dog eyes!)

K: She PEED on me!
M: p-p-p? What kind of random insertion is that?
K: The kind of random insertion that puppy dogs make.
M: Yeah, that and poo-poo-poo.
K: All over the rug-rug-rug…I understand now! The author is a puppy dog. And not a housebroken one.
M: Why is puppy dog eyes an exclamation? And why is it contained in parentheses?
K: Maybe it’s some sort of incantation? You know, you type it out just right, and puppy dog eyes appear…
M: (giraffe nose!)
K: (zebra legs!)
M: (mouse whiskers!)
K: Hmm. Well, the incantations aren’t making these things appear, so…I dunno.
M: I wouldn’t want puppy eyes rolling about on the floor anyway.
K: True, true.

Well I’m gonna

stop yapping and start writing.

K: How are we supposed to know the difference?
M: One is before the chapter heading and one is after, obviously.
K: Still, that looked like it was written yapping. She needs to set clearer boundaries on her yap.
M: She’s too busy decorating the rug-rug-rug to watch it closely.
K: *pause* I now have spicy cheese up my nose.
M: I’ll take that as a compliment.
K: It hurt.
M: Genius always does.
K: When I get it up my nose, anyway.

(Wish me luck!)

M: *waits tensely for animal parts to start wishing for luck*
K: I hope they don’t have their fingers crossed…

Chapter one :Ordinary

K: Sounds shocking!
M: The sheer ordinariness is extraordinary!
K: It’s like we’re on LJ, and she’s giving us the mood theme. I bet the next line tells us what music the chapter is listening to.
M: How much are we betting?
K: Candy’s soul.
M: *shrugs* If you must. I have to say, though, it’s like gambling with bottle caps; not terribly interesting.
K: Think of all the fun things you could do with it, though. Especially if you managed to housebreak it.
M: Do they make litterboxes for souls?

Tara was at her desk and was playing with her pencil while she listened to her teacher drone on
about grammar and such.

M: Pony up, Catgirl.
K: *hands over the soul* Clearly no one paid much attention to that lesson.
M: *plays with soul* I’m going to sit on my bed and play with this soul while I listen to Kitty drone on and on about…
K: *snicker*
M: For the love of God, take it back! It’s infectious!
K: Sorry doll, you win the bet, you gotta keep the spoils. *evil cackle*
M: I’ve never seen a situation where “spoils” was more appropriate.

Now if you’re thinking that Language Arts was her least favorite subject,

you’re way off!

M: But if you’re thinking that she learned anything at all, that’s not much better! She just liked to use exclamation points!
K: Indeed! She did! And she’s talking to YOU!
M: Oops! I forgot to add in the random paragraph breaks!
K: Good thing this is double spaced! The teacher wouldn’t like it otherwise!

Actually, she loved Language Arts!

M: Yes! She loved to kill it and mutilate it and jump on its tattered remains!
K: It’s nice of them to call it Language Arts! If she called it “English” we’d probably think she was studying a foreign language!
M: Why are we using all these exclamation points?!
K: To fit in? But you know, it’s starting to make my throat hurt.

It’s just the grammar stuff she hated.

K: Right. They don’t let her use exclamation marks enough.
M: Did she just switch tenses in the middle of the sentence, or does she think “it was” contracts?
K: She has issues with tension.
M: You know, they make Prozac for pets. Really.
K: It explains the bladder problems though.

(Who wouldn’t?)

M: Me, for one.
K: Me, for two.
M: And then there’s Birdie.
K: And Raen.
M: And roses_and_rue.
K: And that one kid down the street.
M: The one with the glasses, or the one with the scooter thing?
K: Both, actually.
M: Yeah, so them.
K: And sane writers. And people who have to read this stuff.
M: And, you know, anyone who uses the language on a regular basis and cares what other people think of their intelligence.
K: Wait a minute! That question was in…wait for it…PARENTHESES!
M: Dun dun dun!
K: But…for what? It lacks the necessary exclamation for her normal evil magic.
M: Maybe it’s a prophecy?
K: But a doubtful one.
M: Or….or perhaps some sort of divination? Like reading tea leaves or something.
K: She is asking the gods of bad writing who wouldn’t hate grammar?

You see, the reason why she loved it was because she loved to read!

M:…um. No.
K: But…I thought…she hated it.
M: See, I love to read. And I had “Language Arts” classes I absolutely hated.
K: As did I. But that’s because they were full of idiots like this.
M: Therefore, I do not see, and you, dear Candypuppy, are a liar.
K: I don’t see either, but I’ve been meaning to have my vision checked.
M: I so don’t see. She’s a mean slanderer. *cry*
K: Furthermore, I find that statement offensive to blind people reading this fanfic in Braille. I’m suing on their behalf.
M: Dude. The internet supports Braille?
K: Oh yeah. Haven’t you ever tried touching your lappy screen?
M: *touches* All I see are little wavey rainbow things. Is that Braille? Or am I just special?
K: I’m pretty sure that’s Braille, yeah. If we knew Braille we could read it.

You might as well

call her a book worm!

K: Book worm!...What? They told me to.
M: Might as well? Well, in that case, you might as well call her a tape worm!
K: Tape worm!
M: ...

It always made her feel like she was a different

person instead of boring, ordinary her!

M: She is indeed very boring. Though not quite “ordinary.” The drugs make sure of that.
K: Being a tapeworm makes me feel different too.
M: *thinks* Kitty, does reading make you feel like a different person?
K: Only when I take my special medicine first.

That was terrific for her, ‘cause her life was,

well, ordinary!

M: How…terrific.
K: Hold the phone here, Mouse. We’re not using our exclamation mark voices! Or our confetti! Or our pom-poms!
M: Erm, I mean, how terrific!
K: *throws confetti and waves pom-poms madly*
M: Kitty?
K: Yes, Mouse?
M: Why do we care?
K: Because we’re, well, ordinary!
M: I don’t care how special reading makes Tara feel. I don’t care when they tell me about it on Hooked on Phonics commercials, and I don’t care in this fic.
K: Hooked on fawnix wurkt fer me! Reading makes me feel like a speshul!

Not that it was a bad thing!

K: It may have been a bad thing, but not a bad thing!
M: Right, because the exclamation points change everything.
K: Well, why would she be using them if they weren’t vital to the meaning of the story?
M: Now…what wasn’t a “bad thing!”?
K: *cue spooky music*…"It.”
M: *shivers* I need a bed to hide under now. Thanks a lot, Kitty. You and your stupid soundtracks.

But too much of it can kill you!

M: *wails* Too much of WHAT?
K: *shrieks* IT!
M: Turn off the stupid sound effects track already!
K: Oh, fine. *pouts*
M: If we can concentrate please, I’d like to know what “it” she’s talking about that’s so deadly.
K: The only thing I’ve seen so far that can kill you in large quantities is my special medicine.
M: *eyes Candy* Dude. Take that stuff off the market.
K: You’re not supposed to leave it where pets can get to it.

Anyways as her teacher droned on and on, she started to daydream about the book she was
reading “The Lord of the Rings”. She was already on the second book!

M: Gasp! She read a WHOLE BOOK! That’s SO IMPRESSIVE!
K: Already? It’s only been three years, though! How does she read so fast?
M: My Lord, why do they make her stay in a Language Arts class when she’s clearly so far beyond that?
K: They take longer to read when you don’t have opposable thumbs, you know.
M: Yeah, and housebreaking and obedience school must take big chunks of her time.
K: And it’s hard when she keeps getting p-p-p on the p-p-pages.
M: Nonono, on the p-p-p pages. C’mon, pay attention.

She just loved the

character’s personalities and the way they acted, especially the guys!

M: Wait. There’s only one character in Lord of the Rings?
K: It’s a good thing, too; I don’t think she’d be able to keep track of more.
M: I know I skimmed parts, but I didn’t realize I missed the part where Tolkien explained that the whole thing was a figment of Aragorn’s imagination.
K: You really must have skimmed if you think it was Aragorn. It was the Red King, Mouse. Honestly.
M: *hangs head in embarrassment* There was a baited trap nearby, though, and you know what cheese does to me.

They were so respectful.

M: They…were?
K: Yes. Very respectful. To their Language Arts teachers. And Boromir was certainly respectful to Frodo.
M: So that bit where Denethor went bonkers and set himself on fire was an expression of respect then?
K: Pshaw, Mouse, she hasn’t read that part yet. Second book, remember?
M: Oops, silly me.

Very awesome!

K: Is this just the author’s randomly inserted op-p-pinion?
M: (as Candy) Liek OMG, Legoals is such a hawttie! and so respectful my mom would just LOVE him so he should totally take me to prom!
K: Do sixth graders have a prom?
M: They can if puppies can.
K: PUPPIES? *hiss, spit, snarl*
M:…I thought we had gotten past this.
K: *eats Mouse while she remembers that she’s a Kitty*
M: *causes massive indigestion for revenge*
K: *decorates the rug-rug-rug with Mouse*
M: God, Kitty...Gross.
K: This conversation has gone rapidly downhill.

“Why can’t guys act like that in real life?”
[Please note that this sentence is, in fact, in italics. I’m not sure why it matters, but whatever. Thank you.]

M: Because the authorities frown on swords and axes and things.
K: Guys do act like that, occasionally, towards people. Not so much towards puppies; a thwap on the nose with a newspaper will do it.
M: And society has grown fond of frequent bathing.
K: Even shaving, for the privileged few.
M: And haircuts. Mustn’t forget haircuts.

She thought angrily to herself.

M: Why is she angry at herself? Because of this whole rug-rug-rug incident?
K: It’ll pass, shnookums, it’ll pass.
M: Well, she hasn’t really shown much improvement. I’m sure she’s getting frustrated.
K: Doggy Depends to save the day!
M: *cuddles Candy* Don’t worry, sweetie, this is part of the growing process. We’ve all been there.
K: Except those of us who aren’t dogs, of course.
M: Well, yeah.

“I mean

the only things guys do today is say “dude” or “what”

M: So her thoughts need quotations because…?
K: I’ll tell you one thing, if that were true, the world would be a much safer place.
M: Amen. I’ve heard guys say a great many things that weren’t “dude” or “what.” And in many cases, the dude/what scenario would have been preferable.
K: For that matter, I’ve seen them do things that weren’t speaking at all!
M: *falls over in shock* Did you get it on video?!
K: I shoulda, I shoulda.
M: *deep, regretful sigh* We could have been famous, Kitty. Like…like that one chick who lived with apes or something.

she smiled to herself as she thought about

this.

K: Glad she didn’t smile to me.
M: What, you don’t like puppy smiles?
K: They usually mean a present is on the way.
M: They…do? Since when?
K: Since I decided it.
M: Oh. *looks at Candy with concern* Maybe we should get her to a vet. All this decorating can’t be healthy.
K: Maybe we’re overfeeding her?

Suddenly-“Tara, tell me what the demonstrative is in this sentence.” asked her teacher.

M: *examines sentence* No, that was definitely a command. One does not ask commands.
K: “Tell me how to end a sentence in quotation marks,” commanded her teacher.
M: (as Candy) You mean there’s RULES for that?!
K: (as Candy) I can't just make stuff up?
M: (as Candy) That’s how LOTR did it, I’m SURE!
K: (as Candy) I hate grammar!

“Oh crap! I daydreamed again!”

K: Way to say that out loud.
M: I don’t understand her persistence in italicizing and quotationing. Is she speaking with emphasis, or…um…
K: Or what?
M: So I guess she’s just talking really forcefully. How odd.
K: Indeed. And shouting “oh crap!” at your teachers is always useful. It never fails to distract them from the commands they just asked you.

she thought “Umm… Ok don’t panic!”

K: She’s talking to herself! Multiple personality disorder!...unless she’s telling the teacher not to panic, which is just weird.
M: Great. A stressed-out, multiple personality disordered puppy with diarrhea. Absolutely brilliant. Way to pick the pets, Kitty.
K: Back to the pound with this one. Why’d you let the cat pick the dog? Honestly.
M: Cats are supposed to be smart!
K: All dogs seem that dumb to me.
M: *eyeroll* We need a potted plant or something. We can’t handle this pet stuff; I should have given up after the fish fiasco.
K: You should have known better!

she thought again.

M: A noteworthy accomplishment, to be sure.
K: Twice in one day? To Guinness with you!
M: She needs a medal or something.

“Those?” she guessed.

M: Ah, the point-and-guess method. A very cerebral approach to education.
K: How do you think I got into college?

“Correct!” said her teacher smiling.

M: Wow. I should have picked up that whole point-and-guess thing before I graduated. I could have been valedictorian.
K: *quickly edits sentence*
M: *watches with interest*
K: “'Correct!' said her teacher, Smiling." Now the teacher has a name!
M: When did dog obedience school teachers start teaching their students Language Arts?
K: It was Miss Smiling’s own idea.

Tara gave a sigh. “Well that was lucky!”

M: Yes, let’s just announce to the teacher that you have no idea what you’re talking about. Absolutely genius move.
K: Almost as good as the “Oh crap!” and the “Don’t panic!”

“Now what about this sentence?” asked her teacher again.

M: Miss Smiling had to ask her twice? She really is daydreaming.
K: Again.

“I just had to say something didn’t I?”

K: Apparently not.
M: But…she…didn’t say anything…*so confused*
K: She had to, but she didn’t, so…she died.
M: Logical.
K: I do like me some logics.
M: Does that mean we’re done then? Because, as Candy has explained herself, Tara really is very boring.
K: In an ordinary, but speshul, sort of way!
M: No, she’s only special when she’s reading. And she’s not reading now.
K: Ah. So, just ordinary! Which is terrific!
M: But if she’s too ordinary she’ll die!...except didn’t she already die? Please?
K: She died some time ago of too much “it,” didn’t she?
M: Can we move on? I have a headache.
K: Probably from all the fumes.
M: Yeah, the stink from the rug-rug-rug is really making my eyes water.

Just when she was about to guess the bell rang!

M: *sigh* And here we go with the shouting again. I’ll handle pom-poms if you bring the glitter.
K: Woo-hoo! We’re on Saved by the Bell!
M: I used to live for that show, man. Zack was my very first crush.
K: I always had you pegged as the Screech type.
M: *ignores* And in the third grade I had this elaborate fantasy that I got stuck in a wheelchair and my family moved and the entire cast lived down the street and we became best friends.
K: Sounds…um…delightful?
M: And you know what? I didn’t post it on the internet.
K: That’s crazy talk!
M: I mean, the fantasy is pretty standard stuff, but the way I kept it private…that’s just bizarre. A truly revolutionary concept.
K: I know! What will you think up next, you crazy rodent?

Tara sighed with relief!

M:…as she decorated the rug again!
K: So did I, Tara. So did I.
M: You did?
K: Sigh, I mean. Not…decorate.
M: *suspicious look* Are you sure? Some of those look awful small for the puppy. You do have a litterbox, you know.
K: I always bury mine, thankyouverymuch.
M: If you say so.
K: I do.
M: This MST runs like a conversation between sixth-grade boys.
K: Naw. Maybe fourth-grade; this is strictly toilet humor, no I-just-started-sex-ed humor.
M: Oh ugh, I remember that. Tampon jokes are never funny.
K: Except when they are.
M: Well, yeah.

“Now remember class,” said her teacher “you have an essay due on Monday don’t forget!

Ok have a nice weekend!”

K: For a Language Arts teacher, she seems to have comma issues.
M: Where did Miss Smiling get her degree?
K: I demand to see her diploma!
M: Oh wait! I know what happened here. Clearly, Miss Smiling always dreamed of teaching Language Arts, but she never completed the schooling, and ended up teaching puppies not to poo-poo-poo on the rug-rug-rug. So now she pretends.
K: And that’s why obedience school now has a Language Arts class!

While Tara was gathering her books she spotted one of her classmates

in front of her, and she could tell by the look on his face he was thinking “Yeah, a nice weekend for you!”

K: Clearly Tara/Candy/puppygirl has vision problems, if she can only see one of her classmates.
M: She says she “spotted” him in front of her like it was an accomplishment.
K: And anyway, I thought all guys did was say “dude” and “what.” No mention of thinking complex thoughts there.
M: This one is abnormal, thanks to the stellar teaching of Miss Smiling.
K: It would have to be pretty stellar, to get puppies to say anything at all.

she smiled to herself, just an ordinary day!

M: She’s really pounding home this “ordinary” thing, isn’t she?
K: She’s got a theme and she’s running with it. Like a dog with a bone.
M: Next she’s going to whack us in the head with a two-by-four with ORDINARY written on it in big block letters.
K: A very ordinary two-by-four, mind you.
M: Nothing special about this two-by-four! No, it’s just ordinary!
K: …unless it’s reading. Then it’s Special.

Authors note: Sooo what do think? Good? Bad?

M: Let’s take a vote.
K: It needs to be cleaned off the rug-rug-rug, that’s my vote.
M: Your job, then, since you picked the stupid dog.
K: You helped!
M: I wanted a turtle!

Please say I’m good ‘cause

it took me like 30 minutes to come up with the beginning of the story!

K: Why does she even give us a choice then?
M: It took her…half an hour to conceive this?
K: “Conceive” isn’t quite the word I was thinking, but you’re close.
M: But it took her HALF AN HOUR to come up with…this!
K: Yes, we’ve established that.
M: I don’t see why we have to “say she’s good” just because she took an abnormally long time to think up half a page of NOTHING AT ALL as the beginning of a story that every girl on the planet has already thought of.
K: So we’re considering thirty minutes an abnormally long time to think up a chapter?
M: For this?
K: Well…
M: Yes. Yes I am.
K: But…
M: I mean, look at it.
K: I guess you’re right, now I’ve looked at it again.
M: A ferret could type this out in less than five minutes.

Sorry if it started out

slow.

K: Like you.
M: So, you’re apologizing, but you didn’t bother to…fix it?
K: Mouse, what have I told you about common sense in these fics?
M: Sorry, sorry, the logic momentarily overwhelmed my defenses. Won’t happen again. Move along.
K: *pauses to reread* You know it’s bad, but you’re not going to do anything about it except post some lame apology, huh?...erk.
M: *sympathetic hug* Logic attacked you too, eh?

I promise you it won’t be like that in the next chapter. Oh yeah, it’ll also be longer too!

K: So you’re threatening us now?
M: *dryly* The joy, it frizzes through my veins and numbs my appendages.
K: Frizzes?
M: Yes. Frizzes. Like bubbly soda-pop.
K: That’s fizz. Frizz is what my hair is doing.
M: Oh, so it wasn’t joy, it was your hair?
K: Apparently.
M: Kind of an odd mistake to make, if you think about it. Clearly the fic is infecting my…um….
K: Do you still have Candy’s soul?
M: There’s the problem!

I’ll try to write the next chapter as soon as I can! P.S. review!

M: She’s big on the threats, huh?
K: She is! (as Candy) Review me or I’ll decorate your whole house-house-house!
M: *shudders* I liked that rug, too.

Quote of the moment: “The sad thing about the truth…is the truth is sad” (A Series of Unfortunate Events)

K:…
M:…
K: Why does that book deserve a quote? And why would it go in a Lord of the Rings fanfic?
M:…thank you, Candy, for that completely random and utterly pointless quote. It changed my life.
K: The sad thing about your writing…is that your writing stinks.
M: As does your formatting.
K: Amen.
M: So yeah, on that rather useless note, we finish the chapter.
K: Though if you consider it in that light, it’s totally appropriate.
M: Kitty?
K: What now? We’re done, aren’t we?
M: Can you clean the rug please? I want to take Candy and her dratted soul back to the pound.
K: Let’s just take it with her. It’s beyond recovery.
M: *mutters to self* Stupid thing. Stupid bet. Stupid story.