Legolas Misses, and Regrets it Forever

Based on Pursuit of Legolas
By Sorceress Jade

Kitty: Alrighty then. Music: on. Motor: revved. Fanfic: Tripey.
Mouse: Let’s do this. For the good of the English language.

In the days before the fellowship were to leave Rivendell

K: Meaning they’re in Rivendell, or they don’t exist yet, or…
M: Or just that the author has a problem with verb tense? And what is this “the days” stuff? Is there a whole era defined as “the days before the Fellowship left Rivendell”?
K: Long, long ago, in the days before the Fellowship, and before the Movies, and even before FanFiction.net…
M: There was a Mary Sue, and lo, she was beautiful, and lo, Legolas loved her, as he must love any Mary Sue he comes across.

on their perilous journey, in the gardens could be found many a creature lost in thought.

K: It’s the creature lost-and-found!
M: How can they be found lost, though?
K: Shush. We mustn’t question… who is this? Ah, Sorceress Jade. We mustn’t question her; her usage of Grande Speeche indicates that she is Intelligent and a Wonderful Writer.

And here it is that we come upon the Elven archer, of great skill and bravery, Legolas.

M: I wasn’t coming upon him. I want nothing to do with this author, and resent her claims that I was doing anything at all with her. *sulk*
K: Hey, you don’t want to miss out on this. This is THE Elven Archer, implying that he is the only one of his kind. Rivendell’s zoo has him on loan.
M: I’d like to take this opportunity to compliment Sorceress Jade on her excellent supply of commas. Clearly she has punctuation to spare!
K: Yay! Now we can stock up and send some to kelticdream!
M: I also admire her ability to sound like a nature-documentary host. “And on your left we have the rare Elven Archer, in its natural habitat!”

He sat propped against a boulder,

M: Give me a moment to recover from the sudden tense change. Mild whiplash…
K: Are you ready now?
M: *pauses* Do you have any painkillers?
K: No, I think we gave Birdie all the morphine to get through kelticdream’s stuff.
M: Crud. All I’ve got is some ambien.
K: Oo! Share, share!
M: No. You can’t have any. I refuse to let you sleep while I slog through this.
K: You’re mean.

his faithful shadower, the youngest daughter of Elrond the Elf King lay at his feet, gazing upon him adoringly.

M: Elrond’s daughter is a puppy? Wow. I didn’t think he’d admit to that kind of thing.
K: Why do they always insist on making Elrond an Elf King? Elves don’t have kings.
M: Because he had a pretty tiara.
K: Then why doesn’t Arwen get to be king? She had a tiara too!
M: She was already a princess. I’m sure, by the way, that she’ll be deeeelighted to discover her baby sister.
K: Nah, she’s used to it. Elrond really gets around in these fics, you know.
M: So does Legolas, apparently. Why, he’s been gadding about with every last one of Elrond’s daughters, countless humans, dozens of wizards’ daughters, and untold thousands of Mary Sues teleported over there from the Real World™.
K: Well, yes, but everyone knows that. He’s worse than that Orlando Bloom dude.
M: Terrible, just terrible. We should warn this puppy to watch herself, lest she end up with a nasty Elvish STD.

He could not, and one might find nor had he the mind to, convince the Elven miss to leave him in peace.

K: …So he left her in pieces.
M: Aw, come on, she spelled peace right. There’s enough horror here without making stuff up.
K: I know. I’m trying not to see what’s actually there.
M: Is it that traumatizing?
K: *points to towel on head*
M: I’m still trying to figure out what “one might find nor had he the mind to” is supposed to mean.
K: Maybe it isn’t actually English?

For she seemed to follow him whither he went.

K: Whither… whither… *stares at Jade’s usage of the word “whither,” wide-eyed and twitching*
M: *looks back a sentence* And what’s this “elven miss” crap? Nobody uses “miss” that way. Nobody.
K: Well, she’s not all there. Not quite on target, you know… a “miss.” By the Elven Archer.
M: Ah! That makes so much more sense. You’re so smart, Kitty.
K: I know.

"Tell me again, Legolas, of your trials with the creature Gollum."

M: Did I miss something? Cause as far as I know, Legolas never had any “trials” with Gollum. Or anything to do with him.
K: Maybe when Tolkien wrote “Aragorn,” he really meant “Legolas.” It was just, you know, a typo.
M: *ponders this* That might work. Awfully consistent typo though.

She looked up into his pale blue eyes with burnt gold ones of her own.

M: o.O She burnt out her eyes!
K: It was probably Legolas trying to get rid of her.

"I have told many times of my doing with the creature. Do you not tire of the tale little miss?" His eyes sparkled with mirth.

K: Looks like he was so upset about missing her that he decided to name her Miss.
M: (as Legolas) Darnit! No matter how many arrows I shoot, they all fall short!
K: (as arrows) Like we’re going to touch that crap. Do your own dirty work.

"You shall find, my warrior, that when you return from your journey no longer shall I be a miss but a maiden.

M: The difference being…? Assuming “miss” is even an acceptable designation.
K: Look on your elven aging chart, doofus. Clearly “miss” is younger than “maiden.”
M: Clearly. So how old is this… ah… “miss”?
K: I’d say the human equivalent would be “teenybopper.” Just a guess.
M: Is she old enough to refer to anybody as “her warrior”?
K: Maybe he became her slave by losing the bet and missing her?
M: It’s all coming together…

Not as fair as Arwen, my sister, but neither plain.

M: Her pseudo-Shakespeare is really getting to me, Kitty.
K: Neither of what plain? Neither plain is what? I’m so confused! What plains are we choosing between? Which plain had a fair on it?
M: I like fairs. Especially that teacup ride.
K: But there are none, at least not on either plain.
M: So the elven miss didn’t get to ride on the teacup ride? How sad.

No more would your eyes look upon me in jest."

M: Quoth the raven, “Never more!”
K: He doesn’t look upon her. Just his eyes.
M: Personally, I find that’s the only way to look at her without screaming.
K: Funny, I don’t really remember Tolkien’s characters speaking in a bad attempt at Shakespearean English…
M: *checks* But she says she’s read the Silmarillion and everything.
K: Oh. Must have been a different Silmarillion. You know, the one for special people.
M: The picture book version?
K: The makers of “See Spot Run” present: Silmarillion in 30 words or less!
M: With full color illustrations provided by the wonderful artist behind “Look at the Ducks!”
K: Dr. Suess’ “Lord of the Rings” is forthcoming this fall. Watch your local bookstores!

"My, but you are a mighty pursuer."

M: *is confused* She was pursuing? When?
K: And is “pursuer” even a legitimate word?
M: I mean, I can see why he would run away, but I don’t recall that happening. *looks closely* Maybe this blank space here contains invisible writing detailing the chase.
K: Of course. Doesn’t it always?
M: It explains so very much. Those blank spaces are terribly eloquent.
K: Heck, I’d go so far as to say the blank space is her best writing ever. She should write the whole story that way.

Legolas had jumped to his feet and now stood above her, hands on hips, with a wry grin upon his thin lips.

K: As opposed to his full, pouty lips, which he had left behind in Mirkwood.
M: Kitty… Kitty, I just can’t do it… *goes pale*
K: *hugs to console* You can cry on me, hon. I feel your pain…
M: I just read ahead a bit, and… *cries*
K: Don’t do that to yourself!
M: *sobs hysterically* It’s so bad! So bad!

"Not as brave, I fear, as I have wished to be. But for each thing there is a time. Me thinks mine may be now. Give us a kiss, noble elf, before you leave for your peril!"

M: *stares numbly* I told you. Didn’t I tell you?
K: Me thinks we are Gollum, doesn’t we, preciousssssss?
M: It’s methinks. One word. And beyond that, I can’t say anything at all, because I have not the slightest clue what she’s trying to say.
K: Well, she’s saying… um… Something about a kiss. I think.
M: Maybe someday we can make language a complete impediment to understanding. (nods to Calvin and Hobbs)
K: Sorceress Jade is working hard for that cause.
M: She’s a leader on the battlefront, bravely throwing herself into the fray. Bravo, Sorceress Jade. Bravo.

And she too jumped up. But having keen elf warrior senses, he guessed her move just soon enough and now dashed across the gardens, the maiden-to-be in hot pursuit.

K: Keen elf warrior senses?
M: Keen Elf Warrior Senses™! On sale this week at Wal-Mart!
K: And whose clever idea was it to call her “the maiden-to be”?
M: Somebody’s 4th grade English teacher was trying to teach them not to refer to a person by the same word every time.
K: Unfortunately, Sorceress Jade didn’t grasp this lesson as well as was hoped.
M: It’s better than “miss,” in any case.
K: How? Because it’s longer? And hyphenated?
M: Well…
K: Or is it just so exciting and delighting and spectacular spectacular? *does the dance*
M: Alright, when the story is over, you can have the ambien. Just quit dancing. Please.
K: No problem. That song is over anyway. Now I think Legolas was better off alone.
M: That’s it. Your winamp privileges are hereby revoked.
K: Meanie. *thinks* So why was “maiden-to-be” better than “miss”?
M: Well, first off, because it’s like rilly mean of Sorceress Jade to keep rubbing it in like that. I mean, poor Legolas only missed once. And second, it’s a way to remind us that the Mary Sue will, eventually, thanks to Legolas’s poor shooting abilities, grow up.
K: Hit me with your foreshadowing stick, oh Sorceress Jade!
M: I don’t think that even counts as foreshadowing. Beating us over the head with this chick’s age, more like.

He hopped over rock and log, jumping about merrily.

K: He skipped and nanced like a nancy nancing elf, you mean? (nods to VSD)
M: (as narrator) The poor maiden-to-be suddenly realized she’d made a horrible mistake… next time she stalked an Elven Archer, she’d make darn sure he was straight first.

His pale hair bounced about him as the darker featured Rowen gave chase.

M: Bouncy hair! Boing! It’s like rubber!
K: It’s very cheerful hair. He’s got his own hair fan club. Look at them all hopping around with him.
M: *mental image of little hair-gnomes dancing with Legolas*… *twitch* That image will haunt me. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
K: Ha! I win!
M: Oh really? Watch this.
“Dear Sorceress Jade,
Will you please do me a rilly big favor? I have this friend, she’s a huge fan of yours and thinks you’re the bestest writer ever! Could you write a story about her?”
K: If you give out my name, I will send the hair gnomes to get you.
M: “Her name is Kitty, but she goes by Caitwyn with her friends….”
K: GAAAH! HAIR GNOMES ATTAAAAAAAACK!!!!
M: *dies*

And they came upon a pondering Frodo, out for a walk and a think.

M: (as Frodo) Thinkthinkthink. Think.

Legolas made as if to hide behind the small Hobbit.

M: Because Hobbits™ are usually huge. As opposed to the non-capitalized variety, which aren’t.
K: But this particular Hobbit™ was a small one.
M: Consequently, he grew up with an inferiority complex.
K: I love her use of “made as if to”, too. (as Sorceress Jade) How many words can I possibly use to describe this event?
M: He made as if to pretend to sort of almost hide behind him, but not really.
K: *bows before new sorceress who has overthrown Jade*

"Save me, brave Frodo, for I fear she wishes to thieve me!"

K: Thieve me. To thieve me.
M: Thieve? Him? That… doesn’t… it just…
K: Anyway, shouldn’t his hair gnome infantry be able to save him?
M: Keep your hair gnomes away from me. Those things are scary.
K: (as Legolas) Save, me brave Frodo, because I am girly and want to make very exaggerated to you that I am flirting with this girl!
M: I didn’t realize Legolas was such a pedophile. I mean, come on. This chick isn’t even a maiden yet. As has been made abundantly clear. Repeatedly.

Only of a kiss, or mayhap your heart if I can catch it!"

Both: *stare*
M: *phones Bad Olde Englishe Police* Yeah, got a real horror here. Shall I leave it out front? Right then. Bring plenty of tranquilizers – this thing’s nasty.
K: *is still staring* Wha…?
M: She wants to thieve him. Of a kiss. Or something.
K: *kills the usage of “mayhap”*
M: (as Legolas) *searches for heart, then remembers where he left it – IN LISA’S POUCH! dun-dun-dun!!* (nods to kelticdream13, mother of all Mary Sue’ers)
K: Would that be Mary Sewers?
M: Mary Sewage!
K: Yeah, baby.

She cried, reaching her arms over the head of Frodo.

M: Not over Frodo himself, mind. Just his head.
K: It was sitting on the ground off to one side.
M: And Rowen didn’t do the reaching. Just her mutinous arms.
K: *rereads* No, it seems to say she reached her arms. So I guess her arms were suspended in the air above Frodo’s head. And she was reaching for them.
M: With what? Her teeth?
K: Exactly.
M: I actually prefer her arms reaching. At least it’s consistent with “Frodo’s head.”

This was a stretch as she was still fairly small, but Legolas skipped off over the pathway from her grasp.

M: Do you know what that says? It says that since she’s short, Legolas getting away is an unexpected outcome. Which makes SO much sense.
K: What is that called, not splitting an infinitive, but… what…
M: Being a Crappy Writer?
K: Ah yes, that’s it.
M: Not Making Any Sense?
K: That too.

Frodo watched in amusement as the bowman gave good game to his huntress and wondered briefly if he would allow her to fell him.

M: Gave… good… game…? Fell… him…? *has aneurysm*
K: Since when is she a huntress? Isn’t she too busy being a miss to be a huntress?

Alas, away over a knoll the elf princess ensnared her prey.

K: Alas, a bad fanfic writer she is. Great shame to Tolkien she does.
M: This is one heckuva big garden. The thing’s got hills.
K: And apparently Rowen planned this attack out. She even set snares. Behind the hills.
M: Nice catch, huntress. That Elven Archer’s head will make an excellent trophy for the living room.

She had him splayed on his back, wrists pinned above his head as she sat astride his chest with a triumphant smile.

M: Kiiiiin-kay.
K: This sounds like a rape scene. Sheesh.
M: How old is this “miss”? She sounds a little too… uh… wise… for a “miss”.
K: Indeed.
M: Maybe Big Sissy Arwen the Fair Maiden was giving her tips.
K: Let’s not even go there, okay?

"I dread what your father would think of my skill as a warrior ere he found me in such a compromising position.

K: Compromising? I’ll say!
M: Ere? Dunno, what does he think of you? And shouldn’t you be more worried about what he’ll think afterwards?
K: Very little, that’s what. In both cases. I mean, he missed the Mary Sue, for crying out loud, and she’s huge!
M: Elrond doesn’t much like Bowmen who can’t even hit his plague of Mary Sue daughters.
K: (as Elrond) I paid you good money, and you can’t even shoot her!

Yet what more might he think!

M: *blinks* What?
K: Just go with it.
M: He might think… more? I just – I just can’t get my mind around the sheer stupidity of it…
K: That’s why you pretend it didn’t happen. With that sentence, I don’t think there’s any other way.
M: What more… might… he… think… *starts to hyperventilate* Why did we let Becky have all the morphine? Why, for God’s sake? WHY?! *breaks down sobbing*
K: But the show must go on, Mouse. We have to find the will to carry on with the show!
M: Hey! I thought I took away your winamp!
K: *whistles innocently*

For though you have bullied me, I fear it seems that you, fair maiden, may be seen as compromised as well.

K: No, she’s definitely the one doing the compromising. See the Mary Sue straddling your chest? That’s her compromising you. She is the compromiser. You are the compromise-ee.
M: Wow. She’s really piling on the Shakespearean Englishe with this sentence. “For though…” “I fear it seems…” “May be seen as…” Honestly, I’m almost impressed.
K: I’m not.
M: I mean, with the badness of it. I’m not saying she’s good or anything. Really.

Elrond would have my head, or mayhap something else!"

M: *snicker*
K: Don’t say it. Don’t you dare.
M: Believe you me, Elrond would loooooooove that something else…
K: You said it, didn’t you.
M: *hangs head* I couldn’t help it. It was just there, begging to be said. Completely unavoidable.
K: At least you didn’t start with a comment on the first part. Those with dirty minds can think it for themselves - I forbid you to say it.
M: *shuts mouth tightly*

There was a twinkle in his eye, but his words passed over the chaste girls understanding.

M: Dude, she’s straddling your chest. I think I can safely say she understood perfectly well.
K: The chaste girls? Where did they come from? It sounds like a band… are they like the Spice Girls?
M: Maybe it’s the name of the hair gnomes.
K: Actually, it sounds more like the Barlow Girls. (nods to Barlow Girls and Superchic[k])
M: *watches the allusion go flying over her head*
K: Most do that. It’s okay, though.
M: You can’t make jokes even your fellow commentators don’t understand.
K: I can. I can do whatever I want. I mean, nobody’s understanding Jade over here.
M: I really will ask her to write a story about you. Watch me.
K: Do it and die, baby.
M: Or better yet, I’ll ask kelticdream to do it.
K: Not if I get there first!
M: You wouldn’t dare.
K: Wouldn’t I? Wanna test it? You make one move toward Jade, and your death sentence is signed.
M: *shudders* All right, all right… You’re not supposed to turn my own threats back at me. It’s cheating.
K: I don’t really care what means I use, as long as I win.

"Indeed I have caught you. Me thinks you should not journey again from Rivendell but stay here.

K: Again with the me thinks!
M: *kills the evil me thinks* DIE!
K: Don’t journey from Rivendell but stay here? How could he “journey from Rivendell but stay here”?
M: Perhaps he’s considering an out-of-body experience, and she’s advising against it?
K: Makes more sense than him journeying away from the place he doesn’t live. Seeing as how he doesn’t live in Rivendell, and leaving would merely be ending the visit.

For if I could bring you down, good hero, surely the evils of Mordor would have you."

M: (as Legolas) Well, see, you didn’t actually “bring me down.” I just let you get close so I could finish this. *kills Rowen*
K: (as Legolas) And the evils of Mordor are preferable to you anyway.

And she pushed his wrists into the ground with much strength to prove her point.

M: This is so not the behavior of someone who doesn’t understand why her father would be upset to see her straddling Legolas.
K: “With much strength”? Is she switching from Bad Shakespearean English to Bad King James English?
M: (as Sorceress Jade) There’s a difference? Cos y’know, all these old things sound the same to me…
K: Eh, close enough. They’re both English, which is clearly a foreign language to her.

Before she was aware that it had happened, she was no longer pinning her hearts desire to the grass;

K: Whoa. Blackout.
M: Me thinks Legolas spiked dear Rowen’s drink with some Elvish roofies.
K: Me thinks so too.

but rather, lay draped in his arms as he slowly walked down the hill.

M: I KNEW IT! Roofies!!!
K: Legolas, you bad, bad boy…

Through a small grove of trees the paved path that he sought was just visible.

"And what gave you the idea that I did not wish to be caught, dear Rowen?"

K: I thought he was calling her “miss.” To remind himself never to let it happen again.
M: He forgot in his disappointment that the drugs wore off so soon. There wasn’t enough time to kill her.
K: We feel your pain, Legolas.

Too surprised at the development, she was silent, but basked in the strong arms of her quarry.

M: How exactly do you bask in arms? Sunlight, I can see. Emotions even. But arms?
K: And what was she too surprised for?
M: We’ll have to cut her some slack. She’s obviously still disoriented from the drugs.
K: But it was the Mary Sue who was drugged, not the author!
M: Silly! You’re forgetting the first rule of Mary Sue fanfic: there is no difference whatsoever between the author and her character.
K: *slaps self* How could I forget?
M: It’s okay. It’s late, you’re tired. Mistakes happen.

He set her down once they reached the grove, a mere breath from the path, yet concealed.

M: So he had to carry her, even though it was just a “breath” away?
K: (as path) *breathes*… And there it is!
M: And how exactly do you conceal a grove in the middle of the garden?
K: Elven Invisibility Walls™?

"And what of this kiss maiden?

M: Look! SHE GREW UP! She said someday she’d be a maiden, and she was right! Who knew it could happen in less than five minutes?!
K: A kiss maiden? Is that like, a maiden who’s from KISS? With the face paint and the hair and stuff?
M: When she said she wasn’t as fair as Arwen, she wasn’t kidding.

For I must have something to pine to return for here at Rivendell,

M: To pine to return for. To – to pine… to return… *turns to Kitty* Does that make the slightest bit of sense to you?
K: Typo maybe? “I must have two pines to return for”?
M: So that’s what he went to the grove for! Thank you, Kitty. You are the master of translating fanfic into English.
K: Any time.

where I have never till this season made my home."

K: You still haven’t made it your home.
M: Legolas never made Rivendell his home, did he? I mean, wasn’t he the Prince of Mirkwood and all that? Doesn’t he have duties there?
K: But princes can just abandon their duties and move in with Mary Sues.
M: Oh yeah. I’d forgotten Rule 14 of Mary Sewage. “Teenie Magnets have nothing better to do than chase Mary Sues. All other pursuits are extraneous.”
K: That’s the one.

Then her bravery found her again.

K: It had gone off to the loo, and gotten lost coming back.
M: (as bravery) There you are! I’ve been looking for you for hours! Geez, I can’t leave you alone for a second…

Yet, with trembling mind, she reached up and he did gently lean down, and their lips

M: Her mind trembled?
K: Brain-quake!
M: And lo, her brain did tremble in sympathy with the readers’, and lo, she did reach up, and he did lean down, and verily did they kiss.
K: And lo, the readers did wonder where the mind was from, and how she did steal it and take it captive for her own, and how recently this did happen.

(oh Elven lips each of whom have told many a tale)

K: Each individual lip?
M: ‘Cause, y’know, normal lips don’t talk. It’s a special Elven skill, passed down from generation to generation. That’s why Elves are so solitary – whenever they get bored, they can hold entire conversations with their own lips.
K: Talking lips. Neat. Who needs vocal cords when you have talking lips?

met and created one more tale for future telling.

K: Future telling… by the lips?
M: As opposed to past telling. The lips can tell tales, but they haven’t mastered time travel yet, alas.
K: Lousy useless magic lips.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~

M: PAGE BREAK!
K: Magical stars and waveys!
M: It’s so pretty!

Well, since everyone seems to want it, I might like to write another.

K: Everyone is apparently a very small minority.
M: Do we count as everyone?
K: Clearly not, as we don’t want it.
M: *feels left out*

However, for all the fun I have with wording I’m always come up short in the plot arena.

M: No frigging kidding.
K: For that matter, hon, you come up at least as short in the wording department. In fact, I’d say all your departments and/or arenas have pretty well crashed.
M: And burned. And imploded. And –
K: We get it.

If you’ve got any ideas that my writing style could pull off, or that you’d just really like to see, send them my way and I’ll see what I can do. It’d be a great help.

M: “Dear Sorceress Jade, I recommend a writing class. And perhaps a plot. And a working knowledge of English. Love and kisses, Mouse.”
K: Your writing style couldn’t pull off a hat. Ideas? Well, I’d really like to see you dead. Or at least your Mary Sue. Heck, even just this story.
M: I’d like to see a nice, blank white page where this story is now.
K: I like that idea.
M: *pauses* …hey, Kitty?
K: Yeah?
M: Guess what?
K: What?
M: We’re done!
K: Yay! *throws a party*
M: You can have your ambien now. For the nightmares.
K: You’re so sweet.