1. The first area that you should focus on is making sure that your thesis is truly explained in your paper. You said that through art, observer, and architecture Suh creates his vision of a diverse society yet throughout your paragraphs it seems to boil down to humans beliefs on diversity and the importance of the observer. Try to focus more on art and architecture and how they relate to diversity so that your paragraphs don't seem to be as repetitive. Your argument is strong and very well thought out but I think you need to add more support to your original thesis.
2. In your second paper you specifically mentioned the one yellow figure that is placed in "Floor". Even though you haven't decided to talk about the relationship between color and diversity, I think it would be good to mention this when discussing Suh's own perspective on diversity and the importance of individuals working together to create a peaceful world. It's possible that I missed a similar relation, but if not then I think you should include it in your paper.
3. You talk about how Korean's must serve in the army and that they must work together to achieve the desired goals of that army. I think this is a strong argument behind Suh's motivation for creating a work of art that resembles such a unifying group. Your arguments, in almost every paragraph, appear to be the same and even worded in a similar fashion. Maybe you could discuss the differences between his view of the army and the military today or the military of the United States. We have a lot of discrimination in the military- race, gender, sexual orientation- maybe talk about how we as Americans need to view his work of art in order to create a stronger national defense and more unified society. -I really liked the way you incorporated your research and made connections between historical figures of the world. Your paper is very well written and your overall argument is very strong.
1 Comments:
1. The first area that you should focus on is making sure that your thesis is truly explained in your paper. You said that through art, observer, and architecture Suh creates his vision of a diverse society yet throughout your paragraphs it seems to boil down to humans beliefs on diversity and the importance of the observer. Try to focus more on art and architecture and how they relate to diversity so that your paragraphs don't seem to be as repetitive. Your argument is strong and very well thought out but I think you need to add more support to your original thesis.
2. In your second paper you specifically mentioned the one yellow figure that is placed in "Floor". Even though you haven't decided to talk about the relationship between color and diversity, I think it would be good to mention this when discussing Suh's own perspective on diversity and the importance of individuals working together to create a peaceful world. It's possible that I missed a similar relation, but if not then I think you should include it in your paper.
3. You talk about how Korean's must serve in the army and that they must work together to achieve the desired goals of that army. I think this is a strong argument behind Suh's motivation for creating a work of art that resembles such a unifying group. Your arguments, in almost every paragraph, appear to be the same and even worded in a similar fashion. Maybe you could discuss the differences between his view of the army and the military today or the military of the United States. We have a lot of discrimination in the military- race, gender, sexual orientation- maybe talk about how we as Americans need to view his work of art in order to create a stronger national defense and more unified society.
-I really liked the way you incorporated your research and made connections between historical figures of the world. Your paper is very well written and your overall argument is very strong.
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