Some Things That Make Me Laugh

• Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic? This is so funny, I think that it is my favorite thing on this page. It is a true answer that one college student gave on a chemistry final to the age old question "is hell exo- or endothermic?" (I know that one keeps me up at night.)
• Light Bulb Jokes *NEW* Here is a pretty comprehensive list of of lightbulb jokes for colleges in North Carolina. I am sure there are others out there, but these are the ones that I can actually appreciate.
• Duct Tape *NEW* Ok, so people say that duct tape can fix anything... but I do feel like there are some exceptions. This joke is a very good example of how the stuff should not be used.
• Quotes Just a few random quotes that I enjoy, they range from Mark Twain to A. Whitney Brown to Jack Handey.
• Fun Facts A list of "facts" that I found on various sites on the internet. While I cannot prove most of them, I only put the most humerous ones up, most of the rest of the ones I found seemed pretty creditable (is that a word?), so just don't get mad if you don't believe them.
• How to Identify Where a Driver is From A great look into the driving habits of people from differnt places around the world (most are just focused on the US though).
• The 2000 Federal Census For Rednecks For two years I lived in one of the redneck capitols of the world so I have seen it all before. While this is a rather derogaroty view of a particular way of life, I am sure most will find it funny. If you are easily offended don't read this one. Now don't say I didn't warn you.
• You Know You Are an 80's Child If... While some of this may make you laugh, I put it up mainly because I relate to so many of the things on the list. I am the embodiment of an 80's child... at one point in my life I was She-ra, princess of power!
• Things that Make You Go "Hmmm" Some funny things to think about if you are bored and feeling semi-philosophical but don't want to get too deep.

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Quotes

To do is to be (Descartes). To be is to do (Voltaire). Do be do be do (Frank Sinatra).

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." Carl Jung

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Al Capone

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating." Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." A. Whitney Brown

"'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." Mark Twain

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic." Jack Handey

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."Jack Handey

"If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny." Jack Handey

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Fun Facts

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. (Damn gravity, what was Isaac thinking?)

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. (just for Dana)

Despite the many rat-infested slums in New York City, rats bite only 311 people in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

I bet you tried to lick your elbow, didn't you??

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The 2000 Federal Census for Rednecks

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

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You know you are an '80s child if...

Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.
You played with "My Little Ponies".
Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.
You ever read Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Babysitters Club, or Sweet Valley High.
You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
You wanted to be on Star Search.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.
You wore a banana clip or one of those slap-on wrist bands at some point.....or heaven forbid one of those t-shirt rings on one side during your youth.
You were styling with your french rolled pants.
You wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer just so you could be "hip".
You had slouch socks and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt. Cabbage Patch Kids!!
You knew what Willis was "talkin''bout."
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power, and He-Man got cancelled.
You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours, back when they were new episodes.
You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
You wanted to be a Goonie. ("Goonies never say die.")
You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
You even wore flourescent-neon if you will-clothing...
You could breakdance, or wished you could.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
You remember M.C. Hammer.
You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".
You own any cassettes.
You owned a pair of L.A. Gear, Keds, or Converse tennis shoes.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, Transformers, PinWheel with Molly the Mole, Double Dare, and Zoobilee Zoo are familiar to you.
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "Care Bear stare".
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You spent hours in the basement building and re-building Lego cities.
Big wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go.
"Party like it's 1999" seemed SO far away!!

**If you can identify with at least half of these, you are a child of the 80's!!!**

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Things that make you go "Hmmmm"

* If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
* If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
* If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
* What do chickens think we taste like?
* What do people in China call their good plates?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
* Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
* Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
* If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
* If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
* If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
* If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
* If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

HMMMMMMMMMMMM???