Write a dissertation based on data collected by someone else; do not attempt
to study what interests you; do not attempt to be original; do not have a
family, friends or a life outside of your research; do not try to put things
in perspective; always take the low road; do what is quick and easy; base
your self-worth, not on the quality of your work, but on the quantity of
paper your work takes up; never question why you're doing what you're doing or
whether or not it makes a difference--it doesn't; and finally--learn a
vocation on the side--just in case.

Ned