She sat alone in the dark of her bedroom, the computer screen casting an eerie glow all around her.  Password: Barbara Moser.  She laughed at herself while she typed in her own name.  Funny that something about her was special enough to unlock the world she was about to enter, even if was just a name.  She clicked enter and tried to think of where she would journey while she waited for the connection to complete.  Her mind wandered back.  What was his screen name, the boys she had “met” in a chat room last week? Rap20- yes, that was it.  She remembered he only liked rap music, but had an odd tasted for Matchbox 20, a pop-rock group.  She herself took on the name Star1.  She had always wanted to be a star of sorts, number one in somebody’s mind.  Here, in the world of faceless friendships, she could be that.
 In her daily life, as Barbara Moser, she was far from a star.  She felt more often like trash, dirt- anything which could be ignored, tossed away, or spat upon.  Her mom had a job working for a large company.  Barbara did not really know what she did there, but she knew her mom never came home before eight o’clock every night.  The only time Barbara ever really saw her was during the ride to school.  Even then, her mom was on the cell phone most of the ride.
 Barbara’s dad left when she was five.  She doesn’t remember much about him, and from the way her mother has spoken of him since- she doesn’t want to.  Barbara grew up as what the media called, a “latch-key kid.”  She would ride the bus home after school, sitting huddled in the back as usual, and spend most of her afternoon alone in the house.  This is when she first discovered the entertainment of the Internet.  Her aunt June would come over around six and they would make dinner together.  If aunt June didn’t have class, she would stay with Barbara until her mom came home from work.  These few hours during the week were precious to Barbara.  Her and aunt June would play Scrabble, rent a movie, or just sit around and do homework together.  Other than June, Barbara had her friends in the chat rooms online.
 She decided to be wild tonight.  She would go to the MTV site, where she had met Rap20.  The people in the chat rooms there were older, but Barbara found them interesting.  They talked about music, college, sex.  Not that she, only thirteen, knew much about any of these, but that was the beauty and challenge of an online chat room- you just had to figure out how to play along.  Invent yourself as you went along.
 She found the site, MTV.com- easy enough.  Soon after, she was there, live, and “talking” with the confidence of a natural.
  >Star1: Hey guys- what’s going on tonight?
 She usually had to wait a minute for a response.  Fortunately, because of her screen name, people assumed she was a female and this at least attracted a few interested boys.
  >Wil24: Well, hey there, Star- where are you from? ?
 The talk carried on casually at first, but soon progressed to more exciting levels.  Barbara had had some crazy encounters in the MTV chat rooms.  Young men (and even women, sometimes) offering up private chat room offers for the potential of “cybersex”- whatever that means; although she hadn’t ventured to go, not yet.  She viewed it as something she should save, for later, when the typical conversations got boring- they hadn’t yet.  She wanted to save the unknown.
 Quite simply, Barbara had no desire for it.  She was thrilled just to have people to talk to, people who wanted to talk to her.  In real life, at school, she had no good friends.  There were people she talked to in class, but only casually.  There was no one who cared about her ideas, fears, desires.  Besides, she told herself, no one my age would understand.
 When she was in fifth grade, she was told she was “academically gifted”- AG.  She was moved into smaller classes, along with other AG students.  She was more interested in what she was learning, but she soon lost touch with one of her only friends form her old class- Janine.  They rarely saw each other anymore, and Janine had stopped calling Barbara.  Barbara couldn’t understand why until one day, she saw something written on the girl’s bathroom stall door about her: “Barbara Moser is a smarty-pants dork!”  It hurt that anyone should say that about her.  It really hurt when she saw the look on Janine’s face in the hall the next morning.  She looked guilty, and Barbara knew Janine had written it.  She tried to ignore her pain.  She told herself she would study harder, longer- she did.  She figured maybe she could skip a grade, be amongst older kids.  She got along great with aunt June, and she was twenty-one.  They have to grow up at some point, she had thought.  She was now thirteen and still thinking the same thing.
  >Wil24: So, Star…what are you wearing?
 This is where the questions start going downhill, Barbara remembered.  Maybe she wasn’t in a wild mood after all.
  >Star1: I’ll see you later Wil- I have a paper to write.
 She loved throwing in comments like that: “I have a paper to write; I’m heading out to a party”- anything to make her seem- and feel- older.
 She exited out of the MTV site and decided to go somewhere else.  She sat back in her chair and sighed deeply.  No, she thought, maybe I’ll just go to bed.  She looked at the clock- 1:12 am.  Yes, it was late.
 She turned on her little light by the bed and shut down the computer.  Putting on her pajamas, she glanced over to a small poster her aunt June had given her.  It showed two young girls in pastel pink dresses, walking hand in hand through the rain.  Under them it read: Friendship may be well reckoned the Masterpiece of Nature.
 Yes, she thought, At least I have June.  But what happens later, when she finishes school and leaves?
 She pushed the thought out of her head and tucked herself into bed.  A lot can happen in six months.  I still have six months.

 Barbara woke up the next morning to the sound of her radio alarm.  Talk radio, she hated that- not the kind of thing you wanted to hear at 6:30am.  She lay in her bed, gazing outside, it was raining- again.  Walking over the window to see if there was any sign of a clear day ahead, she flipped on her computer.  She checked her email first thing in the morning to see if any of her nightly escapades had won her a friend.  Outside it was gray- darker clouds were swirling in as the sky pebbled the earth with drops of cold water.  Even the power lines stretching out into the distance looked angry.  When it rained they looked irritated at the fact that they had to stay in that one place their whole lives.  On sunny days they looked proud, standing upright, like strong iron women holding the weight of the world’s communication on their shoulders.  Not today.
 Barbara checked her email and found no one new had written her, just a couple sweepstakes offers and one sweet forward about “Friends for Life” from her aunt June.  Sure, she thought, but not for long.  She brushed this thought out of her head and quickly got dressed for school.  Her mom would surely be ready soon, and in a hurry as usual.
 Barbara’s mom always took her to school.  Barbara had always wished June could take her, but Barbara’s mom insisted.  “It’s the only time I really get to talk to you” her mom had said.  What a joke, thought Barbara, you don’t even talk to me then.
 “So… how’s school, honey?” Barbara’s mom asked with a toothy smile, glancing sideways at her from the driver’s seat.
 “Fine mom, just fine. Actually, I got an A on my last math test, you know- that really hard one I told her about last week?  June helped me study for it, I think that helped a lot.”
 “Yes, well, June is a very smart woman.  I’m glad she could help you.” Barbara’s mom said these last words as she dialed someone’s number into her cell phone.
 Yep, that’s about all I can expect, thought Barbara.  This was when she usually just turned her head sideways and watched the road and occasional street signs go by.  Fortunately they lived a little farther out than the suburbs, and the drive to school was pretty.  Barbara always thought of the old song “America the Beautiful”- wasn’t there something in that song about “rolling waves of grain”?  Well, this is what she remembered from third grade, and she always though of it when they drove to school.  There was one farm they passed every day that she especially loved.  It was set back from the road and had a little animal feeding area that she had been to just twice.  There was a small man-made pond to the left of the barn and ducks would hang around there all day if you brought some bread.  Behind the farm was open land, nothing but green grass and large old trees sporadically placed across the open space.  Pure freedom, Barbara thought.  She imagined running across the field and laying in the tall grass, watching large puffy white clouds drift by.  Maybe someday she could live on that farm, or maybe she would just die dreaming about it.
 Her peaceful thoughts started to depart when she saw the sign that told her she was near school.  SCHOOL ZONE- 25 MPH.  Barbara jokingly wondered what so magically changed when you crossed a certain line that would make the speed limit change.  She also hoped there was a very distinct change between the white lines on the road and the rest of the world.  That way her life might be different one day, when she did not have to participate in the school life that existed between the two magical streaks of white on the road.
 “Bye, hon- have a great day- I’ll see you tonight!”
 “Bye mom,” Barbara said as she opened the car door into the soft drizzle of rain.
 “…actually, honey- I probably won’t be home until late tonight,” Barbara’s mom stammered as she dug through her oversized purse.  “We have this big case, and well- well, you know how it is Barb.”
 “Sure mom, whatever, it’s okay, I’ll see you later.”  Barbara shut the car door and ran to the front entrance of Carroll Middle School to avoid the rain.
 Inside the halls were almost empty, except for a few teachers walking bulky carts full of papers and large teacher’s manuals or television sets with VCR’s.  Barbara usually got to school early, just to wander around or read, but mainly because she had to; her mom left so early in the morning it left her no other choice.  Sometimes, when she got the nerve and had a little change, she’d venture into the cafeteria for a cinnamon roll and milk.  Not today, though- she couldn’t bear the thought of the teachers’ and occasional students’ glances.  Not having any friends made Barbara painfully, although maybe falsely, aware that something was wrong with her.  She often thought of what the teachers and students thought of her and made whole dialogues in her head about the negative judgments they passed on her.  I am truly alone, she thought.  You are only truly alone when you can create the thoughts of another person in your own head and not care whether or not they are correct.  She failed to notice that these thoughts she created hurt her and distanced her further from reality.
 Her self destructive thoughts broke into reality when she saw Mrs. Kobler walking towards her.
 “Hello Barbara, ready for today?” she said with a cautious smile.
 “I almost forgot.  Yes, I guess so.”
 “It won’t be as bad as you think, promise.  See you in class.”
Not as bad as you think.  How could she have forgotten?  Barbara had written the script for her verbal book report last week, so she could practice and possibly lessen her intense fear of class presentations.  She had practiced one night and had not thought of it since.  Maybe I repressed it, Barbara thought.
 She started to feel the butterflies in her stomach.  Her mind immediately went to the last presentation she had given on butterflies and their seasonal flight patterns.  She was so proud of her report; one, because she put a lot of time and effort into research and collecting actual specimens, and two, because she had always felt a deep envy and respect for butterflies.  They were the beautiful effects of recreation.  Barbara often felt she should never have been created in the first place- but maybe a recreation would help.   People came up to her after her butterfly presentation and called her a butterfly murderer.  She was offended.  She had only collected butterflies that were already dead and would never kill one herself.  She tried to tell them this and then the class thought she was sick for handling already dead insects- didn’t they have horrible diseases?  She just couldn’t win.  And now she had to do a book report on Huck Finn; she had hated the book.
 Her mind was overwhelmed.  Her thoughts raced to ways out of the presentation.  She could call home sick- but her mom would never come and pick her up.  She could still make herself throw up and go sit in the nurse’s office for the day- but the thought of throwing up made her stomach turn in a different direction.  She had heard of kids skipping school and sneaking off to the woods behind the school.  This idea made her incredibly nervous, but still not half as nervous as the idea of the presentation.  She could explain later, but the fear inside her needed to be relieved now.  She headed for the back side of the cafeteria, which led to the food service pick-up/drop-off area behind the school.
 She stood in front of the door, gazing out into the woods behind the school and feeling hazily crazed.  I’ll never do this again, just this once.  There’s nothing wrong with skipping school once, and I’m a good student, it shouldn’t hurt me too bad.  I deserve a break from this place, it’s hard sometimes.  It’s so hard, I have to go.  I have to go… go!
She opened the door and bolted, head down to feel like no one would see her, towards the woods.  She noticed the rain had stopped, but  ran carefully over the loose mud.  I’ll never be able to explain myself if I am covered in mud.  She looked up to find out exactly where she planned to enter.  She saw a little orange marker and figured that was her sign.  Entering into the trees, Barbara found it was darker and cooler.  She slowed to a jog and turned to see how far she’d gone.  She could still she the school, but there was no way it could see her.  She was safe.
 She pulled off her raincoat and laid it flat next to a tree.  Sitting down she thought she heard movement- not small animal movement, like a quick hop or scurry past some brush-  more like a brushing, like human legs grazing across foliage on a path.  Her nervousness returned, and intensified with every step she thought she heard coming closer.  A cold sweat broke across her forehead and upper lip.  She huddled closer in to the tree and closed her eyes.  If I can’t see it, it’s not there.  She kept repeating this and just as she almost believed it, there was a knocking on the other side of the tree.  Like someone knocking on the front of a large mahogany door.  Her fear left for a second and she almost wanted to say, “Who is it?” for shear humor, but couldn’t find the voice to say anything.  When she realized how tight and dry her throat was, she closed her eyes tighter.
 “Hey, who the hell are you?”