One goal of Women's Studies is "to provide students with an appreciation of the diversity of women's experiences." Both the interview assignment and class lectures, demonstrate the power of experiences that direct a woman's unique path in life. No other woman I know has endured more obstacles or taken more turns on the path of life than my great-aunt Bebber. In her eighty years, Bebber has been challenged by many and loved by all. For these reasons and many others, May Beverly Hemby, my Bebber, is the ideal interviewee who continues to provide me with her unlimited wisdom. She teaches me that both privileges and tragedies make up her identity. More importantly, she acts as an admirable role model who successfully handles these gifts and the misfortunes. Her life experiences illustrate that there are no constraints or boundaries to being a woman, only challenges that are overcome by a strong and loving soul; the stable soul that defines the woman I want to become.
From
the moment of birth, Bebber has led a privileged life that both influenced
and inspired her generosity as an adult. Born into a relatively wealthy family,
Bebber arrived on January 8th, 1920 at Charlotte Presbyterian Hospital in
Charlotte, North Carolina. Raised within the city limits, she and her two
younger brothers lived in a loving household. During the interview, Bebber
recalls her parent's happy marriage and their strong commitment to family.
She explains, "Eating every meal together was the way it was done," because
family was top priority. In contrast with the past, today Bebber expresses
the sorrow she feels for generation X because of the decreasing number of
nuclear families. She stresses the importance of love and respect in a marriage,
which unfortunately is hard to find in today's society. Because she was so
blessed to have a close-knit family, she has always made sure our extended
family stays just as close. For example, every Sunday night since I can remember
we all gather at someone's house for dinner. Now that I'm away at college,
I am able to appreciate the effort our family makes and I value the times
we share together.
A second example
of how privileges influenced Bebber's life deals with the gift of an educational
opportunity. At the age of twelve, her father, Pappy, bought her stock in
Reynolds Tobacco. As a preteen, Bebber engrossed herself in the stock market
game. Gradually she taught herself the rules of the market and still continues
to make impressive profits today. With the money she has invested, Bebber
helped fund the building of the Hemby's Children Hospital and Camp Thunderbird
for Kids. Through her admirable acts of generosity, Bebber gains happiness
and strength. Whether the privilege was a French tutor at age four or a piece
of stock, Bebber learned to handle what she was given, without becoming greedy.
Although she
has been blessed in numerous ways, Bebber endured many hardships that were
equally influential on her life. Living through the Great Depression, Bebber
remembers the horror she felt standing in line for food as a child. Having
gone from a relatively wealthy upbringing, the Hemby's lost a great deal and
were forced to change their lifestyle. The consequences of the Depression
continue to affect Bebber today. Bebber is very cautious with her money and
investing. She is a packrat who saves everything from wrapping paper to dresses
from the 70's. Her fear of loss stems from the Depression as well as the unfortunate
death of loved ones. Three times married, once divorced and two times widowed,
Bebber has loved and lost. When Bebber married her second husband, Emery Flinn,
she was entering her forties and living in Miami Beach. She assumed the role
of a traditional housewife. Soon after Emery was diagnosed with Alzheimer's,
she also became a loving nurturer. After twenty years of marriage, she remembers
how painful the last four years of his life were for the couple. Though Emery
did not even recognize Bebber, she continued to sit by his side and care for
him until, "Finally, his brain just went to sleep." Almost ten years later,
Bebber lost her third husband, Bill Leahy, to lung cancer. Living in Boca
Raton, outside of Palm Beach, Fl., Bebber played nurse and housewife for the
five years they were married. His final two years were spent in bed, with
Bebber close by all hours of the day. During many years of her life, she carried
a tremendous amount of stress.
The death of
two spouses affected her in several ways. While she had become a devoted housewife,
after their deaths she became a widow without as much domestic responsibility.
With no children or husband, Bebber finally had time to care for her needs.
Moving into a house by herself in Amelia Island, FL, Bebber found emotional
outlets in gardening and bird watching. The outdoors was a medicine that soothed
her mind. Besides strengthening her mental health, Bebber found enjoyment
through traveling. She has made countless trips to countries such as: Switzerland,
Germany, France, Holland, Ireland, England, and Scotland. Bebber also watches
baseball; she became a big fan of the Chicago Cubs. With her hobbies and impeccable
mental health, Bebber learned to cope with the events of her past and present.
As a little girl,
Bebber was taught the normal path of life for a girl was high school, marriage,
and motherhood. Although she completed a year of college and found a husband,
she was considered a failure for her one flaw. The one thing Bebber wanted
more than anything in the world, she could not have. After a miscarriage in
her fallopian tube, the doctors told Bebber it would be a miracle if she ever
gave birth. At twenty-two years of age, Bebber did not fully believe she would
never have children of her own. During World War II, she followed Paul to
Louisville, KT, then to Columbus, GA, and finally returned to Charlotte, NC.
According to her, the men in the armed services wanted children to come home
to so Bebber and Paul tried to have children. Finally after many attempts
and another medical examination, Bebber solemnly faced the fact that motherhood
would not be in her future. She was forced to deal with what her friends,
family, and society would think of her "flaw" or difference. When I look at
Bebber today, I see neither a "failure" nor an empty woman. Although she many
not bear any visible signs today, Bebber's inability to give birth has had
the greatest influence on her life. Through
religion and passion for others, Bebber sought a purpose in life, other than
bearing children. Religion became a central part of Bebber's life after she
and Paul divorced. The divorce, a very hush-hush issue during the 40's, left
Bebber on her own for the very first time in her life. With no children or
husband, Bebber found comfort in the consistent love of God. As an active
worshipper, Bebber attended religious services and read the Bible on a daily
basis. While in Florida, Bebber met Tim Croft, a Presbyterian pastor, whom
she adored. In fact, her relationship with Tim partly contributed to his transfer
from Florida to Charlotte. The peace she found in his words and in the Bible,
gave Bebber a sense of contentment. Similarly, she found happiness by giving
her love to others. She expressed her passion for children and worked as a
Sunday school teacher, a Brownie Scout leader, and President of Junior League.
Although she never had a paying job, Bebber rightfully takes pride in the
work she does for others. Her love for others, especially our family, is one
of her most admirable qualities. Although Bebber never had children of her
own, she has a motherly relationship with the women in my family. Not only
does she phone to warn me of the latest crime, she says, "I love you" at the
end of the conversation. While
she finds peace in nature, strength in religion, and happiness in giving,
Bebber finds comfort and enjoyment with me. According to my mom, Bebber enjoys
my enthusiasm for life. Similarly, I admire Bebber for the zeal she has for
life. While she might delight in my love for clothes and my desire to travel,
I admire her skills in the garden and her knowledge of the world. Whether
we are sharing our traditional chicken salad sandwich or watching an old black
and white movie, I consider myself blessed for every second I spend with Bebber.
On my twentieth birthday card she wrote, "I am so proud of you," but I can
only hope to become the strong, passionate person she is today. Although
we have a close relationship, the interview opened my eyes to the influence
of the generation gap. Whereas sexual harassment is a concerning issue today,
harassment was not discussed amongst Bebber and her generation. Similarly,
she does not know a victim of rape. In contrast, almost all of my Women's
Studies classmates motioned they knew of someone who has been raped. Due to
such differences, Bebber has certain opinions about the roles of men and women.
Bebber remembers how few female doctors and lawyers were in the work force
during her adolescence as compared to the number during my adolescence. Although
she does see a female dermatologist, she believes women should not compete
with men for ambitious medical jobs. When asked what "feminism" means to her,
Bebber replied that the term has just recently entered her vocabulary. She
connects feminism to Hilary Clinton and believes that powerful career women
should not attempt to out do a man. Bebber never wishes she were born a man;
she respects the male sex for their ambition in life. Similarly, Bebber has
never wanted to participate in war; she believes a man's body, not a woman's,
was built for military purposes. Despite several differences in our opinions
about the sexes, as Bebber grows older she now agrees with me that woman can
be equally or more intelligent than men. Although
she holds a part of the past with her, Bebber continues to change with the
times. While questioning her about Vogue, Bebber flipped through the advertisements
and told me that today women do not wear enough nearly enough clothes. Even
more, Bebber does not find today's fashion attractive. She recalled the beautiful
fabric and delicate workmanship of clothes during her teens and twenties.
Now with the unrealistic models and skimpy clothes, Bebber believes the elegance
of woman vanished with the removal of her clothes. She also pointed out that
the models do not exhibit pride in advertising. Whereas women were once pictured
as "Angels in the Kitchen," now women take on a submissive, inferior image
in advertising. Bebber holds on to the past and wears delicate patterned knits;
however, she is open-minded about my clothes and understands how style changes.
She still remembers the Depression and does not spend money on full priced
clothes; however, she does not object to other people buying an expensive
wardrobe. On a similar note, Bebber holds on to the past and does not understand
why abortion is so popular; yet, she does support a woman's right to an abortion.
Bebber does not think the law should have control over a woman's body. While
she does maintain her own opinions, Bebber shows that she is willing to adjust
to issues of the time.
From the interview assignment, Bebber taught me how experiences, positive
or negative, influenced the woman she became. As a widow, Bebber found strength
in religion. As an independent woman, she took advantage of educational opportunities.
Lastly, as a privileged woman, Bebber expresses her gratitude by sharing both
financial and intellectual wealth to those in need. As Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn,
a famous psychologist and author, states, "Be with the experience itself.
Trust in your deepest strength of all: to be present, to be wakeful." Her
strong presence in my life is a blessing. I now know everything from how she
smoked "rabbit tobacco" in the sixties to how she hordes wrapping paper in
the attic. Most importantly, I understand that woman can produce and maintain
the strength to overcome any obstacle that life presents.
Acknowledgements: May Beverly Leahy, Sandy Burnett, Women's Studies Class and Texts, Dana Gibbons-Bice, and John Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go There You Are.