the conference conundrum

I love the week of the Big Education Conference. All the profs are at the conference; lots of grad students are right beside them, presenting on joint research projects or well-supervised dissertation research. The entire building clears out; classes are cancelled; email is quiet. It's like a second spring break, a working vacation. I can get into a rhythm with my work, actually accomplish something - like those teacher workdays when we actually got to work in our rooms rather than attending some ridiculous in-service on classroom management run by well-coiffed ladies who'd never set foot in a high school classroom.

Of course, there's always that nagging feeling that I should be presenting at the conference myself. I should have submitted a proposal last August. I should be farther along with my research. I should have someone working with me, pushing me harder than I'll push myself.

I'm torn about conferencing. I know it's not really about the presentation. It's the line on the CV, the schmoozing with people more important than you, the networking with people who can hire you, the seen-and-be-seen atmosphere to propels the academic reputation. I've never been very good at that game. I know I have to learn the rules pretty quickly, though, with the end of grad school just over the horizon (perhaps wishful thinking but I have great plans for the summer) but I don't have to like that I'm joining in.

I did enjoy that last conference I went to, though. Having someone there to introduce me to people, let me tag along for lunches, invite me to join group dinners, made the whole situation much more pleasant. I can speak in social situations, I just need to feel some sort of connection to the person with whom I'm sharing the spring rolls.

It's hard for me to talk about what I do. I always seems to downplay it, pass it off as something not fully formed or very interesting. I'm much more likely to make a quick quip and ask a question about their work than I am to launch into a lengthy explanation about the potential of weblogs in teacher education. Strange. It isn't as if I'm not committed to what I do. The half-read books piled around my apartment, the lack of social invitations on weekends, the notes to self taped to my office walls, the computer screen tan - I wouldn't choose this life if I didn't believe in what I was doing. Still, I find myself at a loss for words when faced with questions about what I'm researching or writing or working on at the moment. All of which makes me more than a little reluctant to submit to the scrutiny of the educational establishment. Not exactly the best state of mind for somehow who does indeed want to find a faculty position in the academy.