Freight Train Runnin' thru the Middle of My Head

Tuesday nights are the best: Buffy and Smallville. I look forward to it all week long. Its hard when its a re-run, though. A big disappointment. And now that we know for sure this is Buffy's last year, I'm a bit heart-broken! What will I watch on Tuesday nights??

Back in the saddle again...sort of. Had dinner tonight with some very fun and funny friends. It was good to get out of the house.

I made the mistake of watching a lot of the news coverage on the war this evening. It was a little too real. I was totally shocked by some of the images that I saw on CNN...dead bodies, destroyed towns, ransacked offices. The more I watched, the more and more I was overcome by a very profound sense of sadness. I can see how it would be easy to sink into a depression from the barrage of news coverage. It is probably best for me to avoid it, although ignorance isn't the solution, either. I've been avoiding the whole topic with my students, although of course it is completely relevant and related. I just don't know how to handle such a discussion with them, particularly in another language. And I'm not sure the climate and community of my classroom are strong enough to take such a heated topic right now. I keep debating with myself about whether or not to invite them to talk about it; I kind of feel that they want to. It is palpable. But I don't know if we are ready to take that road, not quite yet.

Over a week...where does the time go? The weeks after Spring Break are always pure hell because you have to "pay" for the time you took off when you knew you shouldn't. This past week was the most hectic of the semester so far, between heavy grading and hard lesson planning, working on several small projects that have upcoming due dates, my job in Women's Studies, and the fact that our department had a conference this week...I've been aching with tiredness. I'm happy to spend the evening at home, relaxing with my kitties (Hootie and Cola) and Jason. I was even happy to be able to clean the damn living room. Its amazing the little things in life that you really do miss when you're spinning out of control. Hopefully I will be more regular with the blog now that the hell week is finally over.

On a positive note, saw Bon Jovi and Goo Goo Dolls in concert last night. Okay, okay...Bon Jovi is SO cheesy. I mean, really really cheesy. But, I prefer to look at it as "campy" (doesn't that sound better?). Besides, it was a fun show full of all types of eye candy (of the human and non-human variety), and we got to hang out with our great friend Cheryl, who is such a cool person.

On an even more positive note, I met one of my intellectual heroes this week at our conference: David William Foster. He is truly a genuis and an awe-inspiring presence (yet, amazingly, very nice and funny!). I was thrilled to not only meet him but to get his email address for future contact. I was somewhat shocked at my forwardness in getting it, but also proud of myself for doing something that I normally would never ever do. In a way, he inspired me to start thinking again, not just about lesson plans but about my own research. As much as I bitch about it, I do enjoy it. And I think I have some ideas worth working on (I think). So, off I go, then!

Its definitely been a while since I got to the ol' blog. I've been in Kentucky, without any kind of Internet access. To me, it was liberating and relaxing. To Jason, it was probably pure hell. I got to spend time playing with my nieces, Kelsi and Courtney, my nephew, Logan, and my toddler cousins, Adam, Alex ("Alby"), and Nicholas. There's nothing like three days surrounded by kids who love you with every fiber of their little hearts; tiring, yes, but absolutely rejuvinating. Favorite part of the weekend? Kelsi, who's five, running up to me immediately upon my arrival and asking me, "Are you Dr. Betsy now?" I couldn't help but smile, and I squeezed her so hard I thought she might break. Every night I got to read to her until she fell asleep, and in the middle of every night, I was awoken by little hands and feet clawing at me for extra warmth. It is those moments that I will miss the most now that I am back here, where I am Prof. Sandlin, or Betsy-everyone's-friend, or Jason's wife Betsy. I miss Betsy the aunt. She's fun, she's loving, she can unlock many secrets, explain many little mysteries, and she feels completely and utterly loved.

I love teaching, but I hate grading. I mean, I truly hate it. I hate having to justify the subjectivity of it all. I wish students would just learn for the sake of learning, to hell with numerical grades! But my students are absolutely obsessed with them. Its like a disease, I think. I had it too, so I really shouldn't be talking about them like this. But now, on the other side of the desk, I see how absolutely silly they are. Tomorrow my students have their midterm and I'm giving them a sort of midterm average. I think many of them will be shocked, angry, sad, surprised, confused. Maybe some nice surprises in there too, I'm not sure. I'm not a hard teacher, at all. I just demand 100% effort always. Effort is highly rewarded in my classes. We'll see what happens, but for now, I just really dread tomorrow!

I found out that I officially have a job next year! What a relief! Meanwhile, my best friend just found out that she doesn't. Its very very strange and disturbing how life plays dirty tricks on us sometimes. I'm so upset for her that I can't stand my own good news. I feel guilty about it. It makes my stomach hurt, even though I'm also happy. I wish we could share it somehow.

Bought the new walking shoes yesterday. They're light and super comfy. I'm looking forward to downloading some good music to my MP3 player and taking off. I have a ton of work to do today, though, which is the major reason I have never liked Sundays. Too close to Monday, and too much work that I didn't do on Friday or Saturday. So, better get to it. Tons of papers to grade. My students wrote spin offs of Borges's "Borges y yo" based on other Latin American cultural figures. I got some provocative responses! Pinochet y yo, of course, but also Che y yo, Evita y yo, Garcia Marquez y yo, Pablo Escobar y yo...at least they'll be fun to read.

About two years ago I lost 55 pounds, because I decided I was tired of feeling sluggish, sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I was also scared that I might develop diabetes, which so many of my family members have (two of my aunts, two of my great aunts, one of whom went blind with the disease, and now my brother). It took months and months of research, because I decided that this time, I was going to do it the healthy way. I read books on nutrition, websites about women's health, about food preparation, talked to anyone who would listen, asked people who had done it how I could do it, too. Finally, I was ready. I woke up that morning and began watching my portions. I drank TONS of water. I never denied myself anything, but I just ate little portions of whatever I wanted and never craved a thing. I ate lots of peanut butter. I ate lots and lots of veggies, which I had never really done before, unless they were swimming in butter or cheese or both. After about a month of that new eating style, I added walking into the mix. And after nine months of walking about 30 minutes a day 3-4 days a week and watching my portions, cutting out most of the fat in my diet, and drinking diet soda, I lost 55 pounds. I had never in my life felt so proud of myself...I don't even think the PhD rivals the feeling I had when I realized that I had accomplished the impossible (and lifelong) goal of losing weight. It all sounds like a fairy tale, a Richard Simmons success story. Well, its been two years, and I'm starting to gain the weight back. Not a lot all at once, but little by little. Its creeping up on me a pound or two every day. The worst part is, I feel tired again. I have poor circulation again. I don't feel strong or self-confident the way I used to. It just sort of gradually happened that I stopped working out regularly. We moved into a new house, and the walking path that I had and loved was gone. Its been winter, and too cold to go outside. My husband uses the living room as his office, so I can't really work out to my videos in there. Its too expensive to join a gym. The student rec center is too embarrassing. The list goes on and on and sounds more and more pathetic.