Freight Train Runnin' thru the Middle of My Head

Between unpacking and staring into space
Got back from San Diego around 11 last night, completely worn out. I feel sort of like a tattered old rug. Those of you who know me know the wringer I was just put through. Those of you who don't will just have to imagine. I can't really talk about details here, but let's just say that it was a gruelling few days. Many faces, many repeated conversations, many highs and lows. Emotional and mental aerobics.

San Diego is gorgeous, though. I wish I had been able to spend more time looking around. Between the frantic working periods, I was able to eat some great grub (mmmmm seafood and fajitas) and hang out with some old friends.

I'm so glad to be back, but I'm not feeling up to par today. I've been unpacking, laundering, and generally trying to resist the urge to collapse into a heap on the couch. It was a productive trip, but truly exhausting. I'm thinking about making mojitos and blondies tonight...a truly weird combination that sounds like heaven. I'll try to ring in the New Year, but I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't snooze right through it.

The weirdest Christmas ever
Me being me, (a worry wart) I decided that it would be a good idea to drive back from KY yesterday instead of today. That would give me a whole day to prepare for my trip to California, instead of just a few hours. All of our Christmas celebrations were technically over anyway, all the gifts unwrapped, all the relatives visited. And Jason's family generally doesn't do much on the 25th. So, we left Olive Hill around 11:00, drove during most of Christmas, and got back to Carrboro just at dark. We made record time since there weren't many other fools on the road. We've never gotten through Greensboro so easily.

So I spent Christmas evening doing laundry and watching horrible TV. Around 7, we decided we were hungry. But we hadn't gone to the store before we left, since we knew we'd be gone for almost a week. We scoured the cabinets and realized there was nothing but tumbleweeds up there. Nor in the fridge. We set out on a mission: impossible. We drove through all of Carrboro and Chapel Hill, hoping desperately to round up a Christmas dinner. Not surprisingly, not a single place was open...grocery stores or restaurants. It was a funny adventure, pulling into parking lots, seeing everything all dark inside, and pulling back out again. The only car in the lot and one of the only ones on the road. The only things open were gas stations. It was the emptiest, quietest, and strangest I've ever seen it around here. Well, maybe with the exception of the famous ice storm. Unsuccessful, we drove back to the house, where we finally found some frozen fish and french fries buried deep in the freezer. At least we didn't go hungry, but it was the weirdest Christmas dinner ever.

Felices fiestas
Happy holidays to everyone! Jason's family does all of their celebrating on Christmas Eve, so last night was hectic. We opened gifts at one house, ate, then went to another house and opened gifts and ate. I'm so full, hopefully I won't need to eat for at least a week. And it was all good holiday food, the kind you can't eat everyday. Cheese, cheese, and cheese. And fudge. Oh yeah, and some ham. But mostly cheesy and sweet things. I don't know why dairy products and sugar = the holidays. There were huge fruit baskets that most people didn't even touch. We also had Jason's mom's special (oh-so-very-Kentucky) meal, which we all beg for whenever we're around her: fried chicken, biscuits, gravy, green beans, those famous mashed potatoes that I swear must have crack in them. MMMMMMMmmm. I'm a bit sad that some of the new clothes I got might not fit me now, but I don't regret a morsel!

Best gift I received: a 3-piece luggage set, just in time for my trip to California. I seriously needed that luggage, considering the one decent piece I had was beaten to death and won't even stand up anymore. We've had a wonderful time...probably the best holiday I remember in a while. Things have gone well with my family, everyone was smiling and happy in both families, and there is even a dusting of beautiful snow on the ground today. Hope everyone else is warm, safe, and having fun, too. And relaxing, which I've done very well over the break. I even got to watch one of my favorite movies ever, Stand by Me, which was on TV yesterday. Good times.

Santa's helper
It's been a blast so far playing Santa Claus. There was nothing better this holiday season and will be nothing better than the eyes-big-as-quarters on my nephew Logan when he saw the first tiny sliver of the Hulk hands. "Wooooaaaah." And then the rest of the paper was torn to shreds and he was squealing. Best reception of a gift ever. We were reluctant to get these things that have no educational value, but the look on his face was all the evidence we needed that we got the right gift. We always let "the kids" open their gifts early, while we're visiting and can see their reaction (and take photos, to be posted soon). They get three or four separate Christmases, since most of them have separated/divorced parents, grandparents on all sides, and us out-of-towners.

I got to see all the kids, every last one of them, even the ones who live elsewhere. It was the first time it has happened that way in probably 3 years. The big event was the church Christmas play, in which almost all of the kids participated. It had been about 10 years since I went to any kind of service there, and many of the same people were sitting on those pews when I walked in. Some of my own second and third cousins came up to me, asked me if I was me, and then gave me hugs. It was strange but nice to see all these people again. I felt like I had slipped into a time warp.

There's so much more I could say about the strangeness of being home, but I think I will leave it for another day. Right now I'm at Jason's parents' house. There is warmth here, and a beautiful Christmas tree, and sick parents. But it is a happy place, and I'm glad to be here.

Stuff and things
I'll be unable to blog for several days. I feel okay about that. Like I haven't had anything much to say lately anyway, so why not just take a breather. Going to Kentucky tomorrow, which is like going to a different planet these days. No internet access. No computer. Finally there is a satellite dish, because cable won't reach that far. Growing up, we only had a few local channels and PBS. It probably did me a lot of good, actually, but I was jealous of my friends who could watch videos. I had to wait for Friday Night Videos, if I could stay up that late. Most of the time I just fell asleep and missed them.

There will be lots of playing with nieces and nephews, despite the cold that I now have full force. Resting will be hard with all these kids around, me being the fun aunt and Jason the fun uncle. There are certain expectations. There will be piggy back rides. And stories. And playing with all kinds of toys. Maybe putting some toys together. Maybe some drawing. Taking turns with the digital camera (they like to see themselves right after each shot is taken). I should rest up today.

Snowed-in (sort of)
We've postponed our holiday travels just slightly because it's snowing like crazy in West Virginia, right in the mountains that we have to cross in order to make it to Jason's part of KY. And it's supposed to snow in the Smoky Mts, too, which is the part of the world we have to go through in order to get to my hometown. So, with our little Ford Escort not quite up to the task of some 3-12 inches of mountain snow (depending on which part of the journey we're talking about), we decided to wait it out. Maybe the roads will be cleared over the weekend. I'm sort of disappointed, but happy to have a little more time to prepare. I still have gifts to wrap, laundry to do, things to pack, and other stuff that needs to get done. But I'm wishing I could just curl up in front of a movie or with a good (fun) book, maybe with a cup of hot chocolate or tea.

My throat is starting to get sore, and I think I'm headed toward a cold. Please let it be a cold and not this nasty flu that is going around!! I've been taking vitamins, drinking water and green tea, but something has found me anyway. And just in time for the holidays.

Strengths and weaknesses
It's hard to assess your own strengths and weaknesses. How to talk about weaknesses without appearing too weak? Or not talking about them enough, thus appearing arrogant?

Also, why do I drone on and on instead of giving succint answers? I am a verbose person. Not so much in daily conversation, but when talking or writing about my professional interests. Why? Is it a fear that I'm not going to be understood? That I am not making myself clear enough? Some incorrect notion that more is more?

Last year I was in New York City after the holidays and it was simply gorgeous. I loved the look of New York at Christmas time. I was 28 when I saw NYC for the first time. 17 when I saw the ocean for the 1st time. This year, immediately after the holiday I'll be in San Diego...my first-ever trip to California. Earlier this year, I saw the Rockies for the first time and went the farthest west I'd ever been ('til CA). If I ever have kids, I'm going to make sure they see lots of things early on and have lots of different experiences. I don't really regret my (admittedly sheltered) childhood, but I feel like I'm still a child in a lot of ways, discovering things for the first time, wide-eyed. And I'm almost 30.

How do I pack for San Diego in December?? Will I get a new suitcase for Christmas that's big enough to hold all my stuff for the trip? Should I wear a button down shirt or something more casual under my suit? Too many questions.

I'm sleepy. It's dark today, and I'm overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, my body tells me to shut down. Hibernate. Put my head in the sand, and maybe when I pull it back out again all the pesky stuff will have gone away. Too bad it never actually works that way. I nap when I'm stressed. Makes no sense, but that's the way it goes. I'm fighting that urge right now.

6 minutes to write
That's what I have: 6 minutes 'til my next appointment. Then home to study my brains out. Why am I studying? Didn't I finish this school thing, you ask? The learning never ends, my friends. Neither does the sinking feeling that you haven't learned enough and never will. It's called "academic fraud" syndrome, and apparently I have it. I feel like I have what we call in the biz "scholarly promise" but no goods to show for it. But, I look forward to the day when I can sit in the library and make good on the promises. Next semester = teaching 2 classes that I taught this semester and coordinating, which I also did this semester and now have the hang of. Hopefully that will leave me more time for academic fun and regular fun, too.

Jason got me a knitting kit (learn how to knit instantly!). Maybe I'll have time to give that try? We'll see!

Bouquet of chocolate
One of my students gave me a really nice little gift: a beautiful bouquet of chocolate inside a coffee mug. Doubly useful. So much to do, so little time. I apologize if you don't hear from me for a while. While the semester is finally ending, a bunch of other professional fun is just beginning. Everyone else is heading out of the library, I'm heading in. Oh well. Soon I will get to see my nieces and nephews and play again, if only for just a few days.

Another white elephant
Just got back from the 3rd? 4th? annual white elephant Christmas party hosted by my friend Karen. For those of you who have no idea what a white elephant party is, we have nicknamed it the "unwrap some crap" party. Basically, you bring a "gift," which is something you had in your house that you don't want any more. Then you take someone else's junk away with you. This year I made out like a bandit: a beautiful zippo lighter that the owner didn't want. Why??? I don't know. I gave away a lovely gift basket that I had filled with hotel soaps, shampoos, samples of lotions, and other such goodies, including an unopened sleeping mask from Continental Airlines. Hey, one of the soaps was from Spain, so that's kinda cool, right? We also gave away some Mardi Gras beads, since we have plenty.

I ate way too much, but then again, what are holidays for? Jason and I made our famous bean dip, which we learned how to make from our friend Shellie during the glory days of our Ohio U. experience. It was the staple at every single party/potluck/event that we went to back then, and we've taken it from Shellie and made it a staple here, too. People request it now. I also finally got rid of most of the 8 dozen cookies (not kidding) that I baked earlier in the week. I'm not much of a chef, but I love to bake things. I like the mess of it, the accomplishment, and...let's face it...the reward. Especially cookies, because they're my favorite sweet thing. I'd take a warm chocolate chip cookie over the fanciest dessert in the fanciest restaurant pretty much any day.

Tooth is much better. Thanks to everybody for caring so much. I get lots of questions about it, and people always want to know if I'm feeling better. I think the 2nd, double dose, treatment might have done the trick. It's still sore, but tons better than earlier this week when it was excruciating. Now it's just a bit bothersome. I'll take it.

p.d.
I forgot to mention that dry socket means I have to go to the dentist every day or every other day from now for treatment until it heals. It's like a Christmas dream coming true!!

What day is it?
Since classes ended, I have no sense of time. I have to keep asking what day it is. Tomorrow doesn't feel like a Friday, because I have to be on campus proctoring an exam at the insane time of 4:00-7:00 p.m. Needless to say, none of us are happy about it, but that's life.

Update on the now-extracted wisdom tooth: I have what is called a "dry socket." This is a horribly painful condition that can develop after a tooth extraction when a blood clot doesn't properly form to cover up the hole where the tooth used to be. It leaves nerve endings all exposed and stuff. oooouuccch. I knew something was wrong, but I wasn't sure what. I went back to my fave dentist today to get the sutures out and sure enough, "dry socket." When will the tooth drama ever end?

Exhausted but still going
This week is pretty darn hectic for me, being the coordinator of Spanish 1 and 2. I've been running around getting exams ready, working on syllabi for next semester, and I'll have to spend several days checking in final grades. And generally putting out fires whenever they start. I'm tired. I remember the good ol' days when "reading day" for the students meant a relaxing day at home for me.

On the good news front, had a great time with my friend Tacia today. I did carve out enough time for our annual shopping fest. This year we headed to Triangle Towne Center. Such fun! I didn't want to come home because home = work!

One more day
I can't believe it, but tomorrow is the last official day of classes. Incredible. Seems like only yesterday, I was sweating as I walked home from school and now I'm wearing three layers and gloves. And doing final grades. And thinking about next semester's syllabi. Insane.

The weekend was a great one: did some shopping, ate some good food including Elmo's (my favorite), lots of hanging out with Jason, saw The Last Samurai (okay, not great, but entertaining). Tomorrow is the last time I have to get up at 6:00. That is cause for celebration!

I'm okay, you're okay
With the rash of health problems among people I know recently, it's becoming necessary to send out the message. I'm fine, seriously!

Nearly all of my students and some of my colleagues have colds, mono, the flu, bronchial infections, or other, unnamed maladies. Then there's Jean and Trish, also sick. Jason? so far, he's healthy. I don't know how he's managed it.

Did almost all of my holiday shopping last night, with a few exceptions (still looking for walkie talkies, but I'm about to give up and go toward building sets...again...maybe K'Nex instead of Lego's this year). Last night I got excited and wrapped a bunch of the gifts, and they look really cool with all their colors. No big tree again this year, but the little funky silver one that Jason gave me last year is campy perfection.

Meanwhile, I'm grading final papers. A fun way to spend the weekend (yeah, right). Actually, it's poetry analysis, so I'm enjoying seeing what the students have learned. It has been interesting so far!!!!

Wisdom tooth part II
My wish was granted, long live Jambi. Wisdom tooth outta there. Here's the low-down:

* 3 separate doses of anesthetic. The first one didn't work. Neither did the second, as we found out when she started extracting the tooth. After I literally screamed (something like "ow ow ow ow"), she brought on the third dose. That's six shots with a long needle. On came the panic attack.

* The epic battle: tooth vs. dentist. Tugging, tugging, rocking, and pressure. More pressure. Tears rolling down my face. She was very apologetic, but the "darn thing just didn't want to come out ha ha ha." At this point, I'm shaking. I hate her.

* Tooth finally comes out, but a root stays behind. More tugging. Unsuccessful. More tugging. She gives up and decides to ask for a tiny surgical drill. After some drilling, the root finally pops out to which the assistant exclaims, "Wow, I've never seen that done before!" This did not help my nerves.

* Six rolls of gauze and still not clotting.

* One vicodin down. Which means I'll be sleeping soon.

I had a root canal a few years ago, and that was an easier, less painful process than this particular extraction. Yipppeeee! But I'm okay, I swear. Despite the cold, the rain, the tooth, I'm a-okay. Glad to be home, where it is warm, there are Christmas lights, and kitties.

Wisdom tooth
I know I'm probably too old to still have my wisdom teeth (well, 3 of them). But one of them has got to come out soon or I might a) scratch my eyeballs out, b) become addicted to Orajel, c) resign myself to fasting so I don't have to chew, or d) start begging on the street for some high powered drugs.

Tomorrow = dentist. A "consultation," I guess. Why can't they just yank it on outta there? Why do I have to go back for more fun and frivolity later? Coffee has magically healed it for the time being, believe it or not. I just had a cup and poof! no more toothache. Well, a more tolerable one. A dull ache instead of a throbbing nightmare.

Why do toothaches, colds, and diarrhea all seem to happen at the absolute worst possible times?

Can you buy motivation in a jar?
I have the strongest urge to waste time, so here I am doing it. It's hard to ignore the voice in your head that tells you not to do all the things you're supposed to be doing. It is a very persuasive voice, that one. I did laundry today, though. That's somewhat productive, isn't it?? I cleaned like a crazy person, including the bedroom closet (now properly stocked with winter attire). I also gathered all the Christmas presents I've bought so far and took stock of them. Still a long way to go.

I feel guilty when I do "nothing." Honestly, though, I'm having trouble getting the books from the library that I need to continue with what I like to call "my supposed book." I say "supposed" because it is still just my dissertation for now. One day it will be a book, so they say. But in order to turn it into said book, all the books of theory that I need to get my hands on are currently checked out or missing. I'm thinking of working on something new, just to get the juices flowing again. Maybe a new article? Editing an paper I wrote for a class and sending it off to a journal?

Then again, I could just keep doing what I'm doing now: listening to all my Dave Matthews CD's, back to back (that's a lot of music, friends), cruising through the internet, checking my email too many times, and watching the sun slowly sink.

Fiber optic snowman
My mother-in-law gave me a very funky fiber optic snowman while we were in Georgia. It is somewhere between cheesy and campy, and I just love it. It makes me happy in some very basic, simple way. I love Christmas lights, honestly. Athens, Ohio does the coolest thing around this time of year: on Court Street, which is a bit like Franklin Street in Chapel Hill but shorter and funkier, the town puts white lights on the tops of all the buildings. So the whole street is outlined in gold at night. It is a sight that I miss. Jason used to have Christmas lights in his dorm room all year round. At one point he had a set of lights that had like 10 different settings, including one that just about gave us epilepsy. I think a small part of him would like to put lights like that in our house now, even though technically we're "too grown up" for such things. For now, we study by the rippling lights of our fiber optic snowman and smile.