Le Webmail Nouveau

Everyone has encountered the New Webmail- unless, of course, you’re a “badass” who prints out multiple copies in the computer labs (an honor code violation, mind you) and you’ve had your onyen disabled as a result for many, many moons. However, I digress, back to the new Webmail, let’s call it Webmail Nouveau for entertainment’s sake. So, Webmail Nouveau looks more professional because it is a more mature program. It lacks all the puerile luxuries of the old one- most poignantly we’ve been robbed of our color scheme options! Now my important messages must be a pale pink with italics lettering, instead of the hot magenta color I once had the privilege to select, which did not need damn italic lettering for emphasis! I knew my messages were important because that color said it all. It had style, it had flare, it was there! (If you catch the reference, shame on you for watching that horrible Fran Drescher show.)

Webmail Nouveau transcends both time and space. Well, maybe not space, but definitely time. In fact, I believe that it is safe to say that it exists in an alternate universe where time does not exist, and neither do we really. The tasks which the old Webmail executed in 2.0007524 seconds- you could imagine it hurrying about like the program equivalent of Quasimodo- Webmail Nouveau executes when it’s damn good and ready. Oh-kay! On any day, at any hour, students, faculty, staff and possibly even those damn witty campus squirrels somewhere on campus are starring blankly at an illuminated screen with a Carolina blue bar across the top while Webmail Nouveau mocks like the Count from Sesame Street: “One green bar green bar green bar! Two green bar green bar green bar! Three green bar green bar green bar! Four...” And that’s the point where we, in all our ADD glory, roll our eyes into the back of our heads and shake angry fists at the Carolina blue sky.

The only time Webmail Nouveau seems to desire and advocate expediency is when you’re trying to delete the 1,000 spam emails with subjects in Spanish from Pedro. Webmail Nouveau hurries to foil these plans by reloading under the guise of checking for new mail. You don’t fool me, Webmail Nouveau. I’m hip to your tricks. Oh, and when Webmail Nouveau is feeling particularly sassy and decides to spice things up you get the old reload and shuffle. Now this shuffling of our email is completely and utterly useless. It’s only function is to suck hardcore. Is there rhyme or reason (or possibly a program glitch) within the madness? The world may never know because by this point users are so *bleeping* frustrated that they would much rather open some educational program like Blackboard which is semi-controllable and has delusions of grandeur. The contents of Blackboard are controlled by your professors or non-existent TA’s and if it’s ever updated you’ve generally got about 2-3 days before you must confront it.

Webmail Nouveau was not employed to benefit email needs, but it is part of the University’s nefarious plan to aggravate students to the point of academic pursuits! Webmail Nouveau challenges students to learn patience and focus. It just might be the cure for the common ADD. Luckily, we still have it’s arch nemesis: Instant Messenger to the Rescue! (Cue theme music.)