He said to me, write something, anything, but I said, I can't, I won't, I shan't! How can I. I'm not creative. I'm bland as a sweater in the month of April. Whatever that means I don't know. Reading? It's hateable. It requires thinking and you know I hate to think. And writing? Writing is hard. It's harder than a coupon booklet, in that all the coupons are for a men's clothier. You know what I mean. Like many males of my generation, I hates to shop for clothing.
Therefore if you haven't guessed it yet, this is a story about my day shopping for clothes. It started this morning at 9 oclock. I got into my red Ford Festiva and zoom I left the grand parking lot of the Grand Willow Apartments. The day you may ask? It was cool, crisp, and a nice 78 degrees, with a wonderful 80 percent humidity or so Joe Tambert the weatherman told me later that night.
I had to pick up my friend Jack Lampbone. I wish instead I was picking up his sister, or anybody else with a vagina for that fact. You see, I'm 36 years old and I never have had a girl friend. Not one single one! I'm shy, I guess. I'm just one of that sub culture they call the non-datable. Women frighten me, they have this distance thing, I guess.
Anyway, me and Jack begin our twenty mile journey to Jacksonton to the nearest Walmart. By the way, I think the world of Walmart! I remember the day I bought that knife! And oh what a knife it was, with that simulated wood handle! I guess you could almost figure it was real. Still, there is a sad story associated with that knife. This Walmart knife fell into the dog food bowl and my poor poor dumb dog, Dogbo started to eat it thinking it was real food. His mouth got all bloodied and sore. Had to take him to the vet. Some dogs just don't understand.
Two miles into the trip my friend Jack had this strange craving to pick strawberrys and demanded that we go on an eight mile excursion to Delbert's Strawberry Stadium. I said and I quote, "Common Jackson!!!!!!! I want to get to Walmart and only Walmart! No Way. Please?"
But Jack insisted and like most of our arguments, he won. So we headed to Delbert's Strawberry Stadium. But not until we picked up a hitch hiker. Zolo the 1/4 white, 1/8 black, 1/8 hispanic, 1/16 german, 1/16 arab, 1/16 texan, 1/16 alaskan, 1/4 mexican. "Where do you want to go?" I asked. "Why the Strawberry Stadium!" Zolo responded. I was now changing my tune. Oh boy! Time for picking those succulant tasty, oh boy those strawberrys!
Then we arrive. There he was, the strawberry merchant standing right in front of me. He must have weighed about 175. Had a nice medium complexion. Brown hair. Blue eyes. And that San Diego Chargers T-Shirt! My favorite team, I guess. He said, "that will be $10 for the first pound, and $7.50 for each additional one." "Do you take the Discover Card?" "Hell no! Cash and cash only you bastard!" "Then I can't buy, but maybe Jim has the money" But where was Jim? I just could'nt find him. So I decided, what the hell, I'll just go to KMart without him. Who needs him, or did he actually come with me?
Before, I knew it I was at the KMart in Baskerfield Calif. I went straight to the Video display. I changed my mind, I wasn't going to shop for clothing after all. No, I wanted Videos and video products and lots of them!
But first I was going to get the video that would complete my collection. Yes, you guessed it! A video of the Mary Tyler Moore episode where Lou Grant divorses Edie.