It is remarkable, this ellipse of life we dance around.  Four years into University life, and residents of this legendary suite have begun working harder than ever and even have eight o’clock classes.  Four years into it and we make less sense now than we did at the beginning.

Immigration is at an all-time low in the MTS.  Health care has never been cheaper.  Crime has declined as security measures, such as locking doors, have increased.  Fewer residents are on the verge of marriage than ever before.  Concrete blocks are being made sturdier, VCRs more modern.  Working showers have been repaired and heat is no longer an issue.  We have never been living weller.  (Applause)

My fellow Tar Heels, the state of the MTS is gaseous.  I say this because the MTS will never perish, and will never fade.  As we enter the fourth and perhaps final year of a phenomenon so devoid of rhyme or reason, it is clear that the spirit of the MTS shall prevail for many years to come.  (Applause)

As it is an organization arising inexplicably from asbestos, with no purpose but the existential mandate “to be,” it is fitting that we end our campaign by giving credit to destiny, be it Manifest Destiny or Destiny’s Child.  And so, we shall proudly exit this place wearing our newest shirts, 
“MTS: A Self-fulfilling Prophecy.”  (Applause)

We commit $2 billion to confusion, $3 billion to seclusion, and $5 billion to cold fusion.  (Applause)

We confirm that Duke, State, FSU, Clemson and UVA form the pentagon of evil.  (Applause)

We want dynamite.  (Applause)

God bless us, one and two.  (Applause)

    The MTS is a way of life and a state of mind.  It is thinking outside the box--for only mimes should be trapped within invisible boxes.  It is being as random as possible, with the belief that conformity to order and logical processes is a creative dead-end.  Sense prevents most people from punting mice into women's bathroom stalls.  We are not thus handicapped.  We are not afraid of being militant, if it means fighting for what we stand for, or simply that we have nothing better to do.  Our main weapons are plastic water guns and witty rhetoric.  The beauty of language is that we can trample all over it.  Suddenly, "Welcome to our box-social" becomes "Hippo irks turbo-bot bimbo with ire."  We can end any conversation with "Wrecked him?  Dang near killed him!" and not bat an eyelash.
    We are blue collar.
    We are light-blue blooded.
    We are blue in the face from holding our breath in anticipation of someone understanding us.
    We shall forever be the MTS, wherever we go and whomever we encounter.  The spirit of the MTS is, deep down, the spirit of us all.  No boundaries.  No limits.  No mention of Alec Baldwin.  And no regard for the negative forces of ignorance and communism.  We are driven by a commitment to excellence and by a higher calling in life in the name of intelligence and comedy.

When, in the pursuit of a college education, it becomes necessary to establish a justice league, ensure domestic tranquilizers, and tie our own shoes; the King, in concert with our very own Ehaus government, hath imposed upon the MTS the following enumerated grievances that our only recourse is the actualization of Manifest Destiny...

• That he hath removed the computer lab, but not the keyboards...
• That he hath blocked access to the game room and kitchen with a shrewd lock change.  And that he hath forced the residents to use the middle staircase, which refuses entry by many a key...
• That he hath inserted spy cameras to trample upon privacy, and to trigger an alarm in response to subversion...
• That he hath continually opposed concrete blocks, forcing his balcony subjects to stand awkwardly or to lean against a filthy railing...
• That he hath flooded the MTS in order to conduct mock naval warfare at his leisure...
• That he hath undermined the football and basketball programs, leaving them at the mercy of the ACC.  And that he hath removed bowling from the Union, while flying skateboards remain legal from 4th floor Ehaus...
• That he hath taxed students with tuition and fees, using the money to move everyone south, and converting the undergrad library into a new castle...

We in the MTS hereby declare our independence from Ehringhaus and the entire University, according to natural law and coin-toss.

Such are the conditions and prophecies relevant to the 241st room in the Miles Travis Suite of Ehringhaus in the 4th year of its inhabitance by William Hart and Brian Sellers...

That odorous spirits shall descend upon said room, whereupon they shall visit merrily with its inhabitants, asking such questions as "Hast thou any talking hens?"  To which they must be answered, "Graham Crackers make terrible boats," as was foretold by Jennifer Lewitas.  And should these spirits, joyous in their foulness, proceed Easterly or Westerly after their prolonged banter, then neither blonde, nor brunette, nor redhead, shall evermore visit.

That study time shall henceforth be graced with silence, no longer broken by La Cucuracha or similar catchy tunes; and that during such time the inhabitants should puncture verily the ceiling in a pattern as the round face who smiles, and therein shall lie the asbestos of wisdom; yay, it shall bring a period of focused study, the likes of which thus far unseen, to the peoples of the Dakotas, both North and South.

That telephones shall be replaced far and wide by telawoman; and that the mysteries of Chapel Hill shall thus revealeth themselves because of such speedy communication; but that the deadly harmonies of a band of cell phones in Middle Campus shall end the prosperity, and plague shall befall Avery, making people mad into voting for Pat Buchanan for every office in the land.

That King Moeser shall confiscate personal possessions, giving Community Direktors authority over redistribution; that possession of a new Bible-Torah-Koran-Buddhist-Hindu Manifesto shall be required for admittance into the SRC and home field hockey games; and that the dining halls, both Chase and its comrade facility in the North, shall undergo renaming, being henceforth known as Stalinchase and Lenninoir, respectively.

That tobacco is wacko, Camus can do, but Sartre is smart-re.

That to keep the house of Ehring, the inhabitants shall forego keeping it simple or together; but that they shall succeed in keeping off the grass, to the dismay of NORML, whose anger shall only be abated by their drug of choice; that the inhabitants shall risk life and limb, specifically the left leg, to make necessary mortgage payments as they come due, in keeping Ehring's house, despite the coming influx of corrupt Canadian Mountees.

That grievances of the inhabitants shall be resolved in maturely-written, tactfully taunting editorials on their respective web pages; and that the communication commonly called 'IM' shall hypnotize every non-asthmatic male between 18 and 40, thus bankrupting the sports industry and forcing women into military service when 'Dubya' chokes on a croissant and conquers France one afternoon; and that, after said hypnotic trance, the Olson twins shall star in another film that the inhabitants should take care not to mock for fear of alienating their young female fans; and that, after said hypnotic trance, Gary Coleman shall continue to entertain millions with his snappy catch phrase.

Amendment I
Student Congress shall make no law whatsoever.  As for the MTS, there shall be no discrimination based on class, major, Communist ideology, or favorite NASCAR driver.  Exempt from these protections are Communists, Communist sympathizers, and people resembling Fidel Castro.

Amendment II
A well regulated militia being necessary to keep the King of England out of our hair.  Indeed.

Amendment III
Should a member become possessed by demon, eskimo, or other being, that member shall be limited to access of only the northwest corner of the southwest portion of the southwest section of the northeast building of the southern part of campus in the souther part of heaven, until further notice from the "Powers that be" of the MTS or any combination of two of the following: George Burns, Jen Daum.

Amendment IV
The fourth amendment is hereby repealed.

Amendment V
Those who plead to be not guilty are probably more guilty than anyone else.

Visitation:
Proclamation??  Okay.  On this the twentieth day of this month, we, as the heirs to the room previously inhabited by Scott Bilton, Miles Travis, Marc Jones, and Chris Hostetler, and thereby leaders of the Miles Travis Suite, Inc., do hereby proclaim martial law over all of Living Well, Ehaus volleyball court and the UNC Shag Club.  Effective until defeated in a battle of wits to be named later.

Study Time:
Bloody Mimes?!?  I’m glad somebody is thinking about them.  We in room 241 believe that it is a grave injustice, not to mention a bad thing, to see the blatant disregard for the well-being of these silent entertainers.  We feel it is our duty to speak out for those who are trapped in boxes and are doomed to climb endless ladders.  Oh, you said “Study Time.”  Well, we won’t stand for any of that.

Phone Usage:
Word has it that people have been using telephones as earplugs, swords, mustaches, shoes, candles, etc.  But I’m here to talk to you about the unethical use of water.  Shows like Baywatch and Dawson’s Creek have been misusing water for years.  As part of the People for the Ethical Use of Water, PEUW, we feel it is our right to not use water for drinking, bathing, gardening, etc.  Besides, we don’t have a phone.

Personal Possessions:
Previous contracts have covered demon possessions, and to date no one has become possessed.  So, this year we in 241 are welcoming personal possessions.  In order to better our odds, we will be hanging garlic from our doors, wearing coconut shells, shopping only on days named for pagan gods, and sending get-well cards to dead presidents.  This year, should a roommate become possessed, all suitemates must disavow knowledge of Alec Baldwin.

Smoking:
Smoke signals have been an important form of communication since the days of Roman candles.  However, the current method was perfected by Chief Sitting Duck of the Algonquin tribe.  This style is based on the principle that smoke produced by burning wood will, in fact, rise, and on the novelty of creating smoke rings with a peace pipe.  This ancient method shall be implemented by the M.T.S. in the absence of phones.

Housekeeping:
Should a fly be found in 241, we shall unleash, in order, one day at a time, a spider, bird, cat, dog, goat, and finally a bear.  We in the M.T.S. reserve the right to bare arms, as well as the right to arm bears.

Communication:
This year the M.T.S. will seek to locate Elvis by learning to communicate with aliens via rubbing together an iguana and a kimodo dragon to produce a high pitched sound, which will combine with a loud yodel to reach the farthest galaxies of the universe.  Pounding hound dogs with blue suede shoes only brought out Elvis impersonators and, in one unfortunate instance, Rosie O’Donnel.

Other:
We will not instigate revolution...unless provoked
We will not eat green eggs and ham...unless provoked
We will not dump kerosene in the Old Well
We will not have sacrifices for non-Biblical purposes
We will not give freshmen directions to the Blue Oyster Bar
We will not impersonate drag queens
We will not secede from Living Well...unless provoked
We will not feed the bears
We will not breed roosters for game purposes
We will not sing in three part harmony
We will not get suckered with a sucker
We will not offer "no wait" advising to freshmen in front of Steele Building during the first week of class
We will not grow beards just to see what the rednecks will do
We will not return to our room if we see our shadows
We will not hide behind the 5th Amendment
We will not abuse the 19th Amendment...unless provoked
We will not force freshmen to walk the plank
We will not acquire additional suites via hostile take over
We will not organize a coup against Koo
We will not gig frogs in the fountain at Bynum
We will not tar and feather democrats...unless provoked
And, most importantly, we will NOT, under any circumstances, show it to the Laker Girls!

Q. Considering the cable is falling off the wall, is duck tape still reliable?
A. Careful reading of Scripture reveals its establishment of duck tape as the wonder-cure for all the world’s problems (see some verses toward the back or something).  The sample which has caused such distress has been deemed counterfeit, and the offending parties face severe sanctions for their misdeeds.  Worry not, for the MTS shall continue to cover the earth with our favorite silver tape.

Q. Where have the concrete blocks gone?
A. Thorough debate ensued over the fate of last year’s debris, and in the end it was scrapped.  Our faith in concrete naturally decreased, as even duck tape failed to keep it together.  Perhaps this year, we shall keep it simple and avoid similar disaster.  However, that would make the RA’s job far too easy, and butts were made for sitting anyway.

Q. Who is your pick for Miss America?
A. We have good reason to go with none of the above for this honor.  The world’s strongest man competition has grown jealous over the ratings of the pageant, and we feel the Swiss shall produce the first foreign Miss America, a 300-pounder, when in the final round he drags a busload of models through most of the Appalachian Trail.

Q. Do you have any specific plans for this year?
A. We have placed orders for large hoops, flame-retardant clown suits, and smaller version of the Mystery Mobile, but to date our Circus of the Cosmos remains tentative.

Q. Is the Red Scare over?
A. No, we assure you that paranoia still reigns in the MTS, which is reason to avoid participation in suspicious activities—e.g., advocating equal portions in the dining halls, settling for a tie, or the like.  The spirit of “Root ‘em out” Joe McCarthy lingers.

Q. When will you have a woman of the week?
A. We promise that, on the day that all men become women, we shall consider naming a woman of the week, although naming the most manly woman of the week may trump this idea, should the fearful event come to pass.

Q. Why did you block off a desk?
A. The corner desk is not completely blocked off, as it is still accessible to pious people who cleanse themselves appropriately.  However, there will come a day when the flag shall be torn from top to bottom, and on that day the MTS shall weep, because studying will resume.

Q. What’s wrong with your smoke detector?
A. Although the trouble signal has flashed for our new detector, we assume the new surveillance system is currently operating at full strength, despite our subversive efforts.  We suspect the supposed defect was a ploy to allay our paranoia, but we remain frustrated by the spy cameras and the evil forces gathering in the “inaccessible” game room.

Q. Doughnuts or Barbecue?
A. Such horrible thoughts should not be entertained, for how are we to even think of losing one of our favorite staples?  Were it for only a night, we would certainly choose barbecue and embark on 15-501 toward Bullocks.  Then, the next night, we would journey down I-40 to Krispy Kreme.

Q. Tell us about the skeleton in Will’s closet.
A. Please rephrase your inquiry in the form of a question.

Q. What will you do after graduation?
A. We reckon the MTS shall part ways, and so we have brainstormed individually for these answers.  For Brian, the call of the wild will prove too tempting, and off to California he’ll travel, dying his hair to blend in as he films the antics of the West Coast.  After that, he will likely prefer the higher peaks of the Himalayas to his Smokey Mountain home, exporting bluegrass music and flannel to Asia and uncovering such treasures as Noah’s Ark and an ancient version of Monopoly.  For Will, stalking famous cartoon characters will prove futile and he’ll discover that shipping “nose candy” has nothing to do with Pixie Sticks.  Left with only a broken baseball bat, he will entertain Latin America with a fabulous stand-up act similar to “Who’s on First?”  When the act grows stagnant, he’ll search for Brian, but wind up in the Alps instead, finally leading Switzerland out of neutrality.

Q.  Is the “666” on Brian’s leg a birthmark?
A.  Much argument has taken place regarding the possibility that Brian is Evil Incarnate.  While the birthmark in question is considered by some proof in favor of this hypothesis, it is now known that the mark is a burn, not a birthmark.

Q.  Why do y’all use mousetraps for Christmas ornaments?
A.  What exactly do you suggest we use?

Q. Why are you so special that you need T-shirts?
A.  This question requires a two-part answer: 1. Stuff 2. You!

Q. Are your slogans God-inspired or influenced by O.J. Simpson?
A.  A little bit of both, depending on who it is develops any particular slogan.  Justin once developed one based on a Hanes ad.

Q. Was Martha Stuart one of the aliens who abducted you?
A.  Yes, Martha is an alien.  No, she was not among those who took us to the beautiful and peaceful planet of Zggleik.  Tours to Zggleik start at $199.99.

Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A.  Ah, this is simple.  The chicken, because where else would an egg come from?  No, the egg was first, for what else would be the origin of a chicken?  Oh, we’re so confused.  Why don’t you ask something easier?

Q.  What’s wrong with you?
A.  This brings to mind the diathesis-stress model, in which biological predisposition interacts with environmental and socio-cultural factors to heavily increase the likelihood of a given disorder.  So, to answer your question, we don’t really know.

Q. Have y’all invented anything cool?
A.  We once developed a machine capable of both match-making and solving astronomical integrals.  However, a bitter war broke out between Pizza Inn and NASA for purchase rights, and the machine was subsequently destroyed so that mankind could never use it for evil purposes ever again.

Q. Where’s Waldo?
A.  Have you checked Hinton James?

Q. Are you hungry?  Tired?  Need to go potty?
A. No thanks.  We should be alright for the time being.

1. Do not punch me in thy face.
2.  Thou who hath smelt it, thine own self hath dealt it.
3.  No dueling, only drooling.
4.  When Lori and Sarah walk in, everyone else must walk out.
5.  Ontogeny recapitulates the Super Bowl.
6.  Write in plain English (see 5).
7.  No "X"ing out previous theses (see 4).
8.  What's a theses?
9.  Theses are statements.
10.  Beetle, cockroach-better to just be yourself.
11.  Too much snapping leads to the Tango de la Muerte or "Death Dance."
12.  Justin is always Right.
13.  Shaddix is always wrong-ly viewed by blind prophets.
14.  You gotta believe, dawg!
15.  Will is a deadly sharp shootin' fool.
16.  Crack is illegal in Living Well.
17.  If a professor refers to an author as "the master" or "the father" or "the greatest," his/her work will suck.
18.  Cute people don't make good Presidents (see Jimmy Carter).
19.  Get a new pen.
20.  I like my pen, punk.
21.  Copyright Wars can get ugly.
22.  So can Justin.
23.  Computers don't make errors, what they do they do on purpose.
24.  Thou shalt love thy sisters in the FeMTS.
25.  He's got Betty Davis eyes.
26.  He is Justin (see 25).
27.  Keep off the grass!
28.  Girls just wanna have fun.
29.  So does Shaddix.
30.  Penguin Classics books are printed better than Oxford.
31.  You can't cover up a lack of inexperience.
32.  Looking for Will?  He's on the phone.
33.  Looking for the phone?  It's on Will.
34.  Shut the door, por favor.
35.  All I wanted was a pack of Skittles--what I got was a stupid Snickers.
36.  To the sinner shalt be granted Snickers.
37.  Look, all I wanted was sweet and chewy, not chocolate and gooey.
38.  Do not release the Kracken for instructional purposes.
39.  Make 4 prophecies each day.  Fulfill 2.
40.  Against all odds, afternoon classes will suck more than 8 AM classes.
41.  Do not wear white clothes to chemistry labs.
42.  Lizards ain't phones.
43.  Monkeys For Everyone!  Todos los monos.
44.  A pie in time saves key lime.
45.  The weather is here, wish you were Alec Baldwin.
46.  Salamanders are fire proof.
47.  However, they may still be killed by flaming arrows, but not the fire part.
48.  Odds are 1 in 5 billion you will be killed by space debris.
49.  Gallophobia is the fear of France and all things French.
50.  Being paranoid is kinda like being psychic.
51.  YOUR MAMA!
52.  Not everyone is allowed to post theses (see 51).
53.  You'll die of a brain tumor before you are in a plane crash.
54.  I wouldn't be in a plane crash if I were deceased.
55.  WILL IS STUPID!! (see 54)
56.  Life is the only STD with a 100% mortality rate.
57.  Juniors go to bed at midnight, freshman...10 am.
58.  If life is a disease, what is chicken pox (see 56)?
59.  Revere the eggplant.
60.  Cucumbers are superior to eggplants.
61.  Therefore, revere cucumbers more.
62.  Let it be known from this day forth that vegetables are prohibited.
63.  Thesis 62 is hereby repealed.
64.  Stop doing the foot charge.
65.  Left handed people are more likely to commit suicide...with their left hand.
66.  "Then see to it you remain a Mensch!"
67.  Everclear is the fruit of the devil.
68.  Justin shall not sing!
69.  Theses shall not be ridiculed by non-participants.
70.  Phones ain't worth the paper they're printed on.
71.  Baker, put some clothes on, you hick.
72.  I'm so tired I could sleep in a horse.
73.  When doing a 5 page paper at 3 in the morning, look on the bright side...
you're not being attacked by rabid monkeys.
74.  Some are far too obsessed with feather-like objects.
75.  Don't donate anything...it may come back to find you.
76.  "Slavic people"...I'm slavic, I can slur all I want!
77.  From now on Will's name shall be O'McHart.
78.  Sounds like a bad breakfast cereal (see 77).
79.  When thou wakest, thou shalt not braketh wind.
80.  Thou shalt spell 'break' correctly, or either have wind broken upon thy offspring.
81.  Thou shalt not use crummy grammar such as "or either."
82.  There shall be a 96th thesis.
83.  But not a 97th.
84.  Thou shalt appreciate play on words (see 79).
85.  All sock puppets shall speak in French accents.
86.  Cancel the Keys trip, we're going to Peabody!
87.  We've got enough campaign parafanalia to run our own campaign...for Brad Overcash.
88.  Get your silky paws off my filthy drawers.
89.  I see Russia, I see France, I see Canada's underpants.
90.  May you be as a biscuit on monkey bars.
91.  As any project continues, inspiration wanes and stupidity increases.
92.  I wasn't clenching my fist to say "I love you."
93.  The bear without a name shall be named.
        *and the bear shall put his name on his right bicep in Chinese
94.  Everyone in the MTS shall get a tattoo.
95.  Are you a nerd?  Cause this ain't no nerd suite.
96.  I said there would be a 96th thesis, and my prophecy came true.
97. (see 83)
97.5.  Any project, given extents at its conception, will exceed those extents upon completion.
98.  Late Valentine's are only okay if there was an attempt to give them on time.
99.  Theses shall halt at 100.
100.  The End.
101.  Thesis 99 is false.
Thesis the Last: I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book.  If anyone adds anything to them, God will add unto him the PLAGUES described in this book.  And if anyone takes words away from this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in the Tree of Life and in the Holy City, which are described in this book.